Stephanie

Momm to Bentley Charles

October 18th, 2011 Stillborn at 38 Weeks

Hagerstown, MD

Blake and I had been anxiously awaiting the arrival of Bentley Charles Nalley. We had been preparing so much and we were so ready. It was October 17, 2011, and I woke up that morning and said goodbye to Blake as he left for work. I decided to go ahead and stay awake instead of sleeping  in. I showered, ate some waffles, and got all “pretty” and no place to go really. I walked through my check list of things to take to the hospital and to ensure that Blake and I had bought and packed everything that we would need. I knew we had everything, but I am a control freak when it came to Bentley because I wanted him to have the best. I wanted to ensure that Blake and I were the best parents we possibly could be.  I had an OB appointment scheduled at as a routine 38 week appointment at 4:10pm that day. 

The day seemed to be taking forever, so lunch time came, and I made a sandwhich and ate a muffin, then I decided to go for a walk around the neighborhood and talk to Bentley as I felt him moving in my stomach. We took a loop around the neighborhood so I had some “alone” time with Bentley. I often would sit and talk to him especially when no one was around, and I was laying in bed or taking a walk. I felt him moving….he kept kicking me, and I was thinking “well, maybe today will be the day”. I came back to the house and I packed a few things for Blake so just in case it happened today…we would be ready from the appointment. By this time, it was 2:30ish, and I still had plenty of time to wait until my appointment time. I decided to take this time and go sit in Bentley’s room. I sat in the rocking chair that we had gotten for his room, and I sat there and had the longest conversation that I had ever probably had with him. I went person by person in our family and our friends and I told him about everyone. I explained how anxious we all were to meet him, and I told him how much each person loved him, and that I couldn’t wait to do all these things with him. I explained our hopes and dreams with him. I talked to Bentley about my grandfather and grandmother, Blake’s grandfather, and our good friend Chuck who we named Bentley after. I explained to him that I wish he would get to meet those people who meant so much to us. I told him stories that I had with my grandfather, and I explained how much that each of them loved him, and that they would be helping me get through labor to meet him. I didn’t think he’d get to see him before  I did….Well, FINALLY 3:45pm came, and Sharon (Blake’s mom) and I left to go meet Blake at Robinwood for my routine 38 week appointment. We met Blake, and Blake and I were so excited. I had been dialated the weeks previously, and Bentley had been extremely low the entire pregnancy that we were ready….I thought that today was going to be the best day of my life…Blake and I went into Robinwood alone while Blake’s mom sat in the car with Bailey (our dog). We assumed it would be a 5 minute appointment. Blake and I waited in the waiting room to be seen until like 4:30…so the appointment already didn’t start out so well. We finally get taken back to the office, and they send Blake into the patient room, and I do what I had done every appointment previously. The nurse does my weight, I pee on a stick, and then she takes my blood pressure. I had no protein or sugars, so that was good. She then tells me that blood pressure was high–it was something like 135/92. I had never had high blood pressure any other time. But, the nurse told me to lay on my left side when I went into my room, and just stay laying like that until the doctor came in. The doctor came into the room, and says “Go ahead and sit up.” I explained that the nurse told me to lay like that, and he says “No, don’t worry about it–I am not concerned with it because you don’t ever have high blood pressure.” He goes ahead and begins to look for Bentley’s heart beat. He was having difficulty finding it, then Blake and I heard it for what seemed like a splint second. I know I heard his heart beating. I was very familar with that sound simply because I had a doppler, and I used to listen to his heart ALL the time. The doctor says that maybe Bentley isn’t active. In my head I thought…hmm, when I’m not active my heart still beats….but I figured he was the doctor. He checks me to see if I am still dialated and I still am the same, so he comes back and he tells me that he wants to do a sonogram. I start to get really concerned. Blake and I walked into the sonogram room, and the ultrasound lady begins to look at Bentley. She immediately got up and ran out of the room. I KNEW something was wrong. Blake and I went into a complete panic. The doctor and lady comes back in with a box of tissues, and he simply states ” Stephanie, Bentley’s heart isn’t beating, I’m sorry” I screamed, Blake screamed….we were in shock. I yelled that he was lying to me. I screamed it was a bad joke. I couldn’t comprehend what he was saying…it all seemed so unreal.  The doctor walks out of the room, and he gives Blake and a moment. Blake calls my mom and his mom. My mom and his mom couldn’t understand what we were saying, but they knew it wasn’t good. His mom came from the parking lot, and my mom rushed from work to the hospital. The doctor explains to me that I need to deliver. I told him that he was crazy that there was no way, no how I could do that. It wasn’t fair…I wanted Bentley so bad. The doctor pushes us into his office while we are in complete hysterics and explains that I need to go deliver, and I will deliver. He asks us if we can drive to the hospital. Granted I know the hospital and Robinwood are connected–but I just heard the worst begnews of my life, so heck no, Blake and I were in NO shape to drive….they never even offered to escort us to the hospital via wheelchair in the walkthrough in the link. The nurses and workers of the office just simply STARED at us…all in line, and it made us feel that they didn’t care. It made me feel like I was holding up their dinner or they had somewhere better to be. It was apprx. 5pm at this point. Blake and I along with his mom head to the hospital. My mom and dad were headed there too. 

I arrived at the hospital only to find that I needed to wait because the doctor hadn’t called ahead to notify them right away or they just weren’t prepared for me to get there…Blake and I were in complete shock..my knees were weak. I was sick to my stomach. I longed for Bentley. I wanted him so bad. Blake was so excited to become a father..I didn’t understand why this was happening.. I arrive at the hospital and I get checked in. The doctor explains that delivering vaginal was the best thing for me to do because they weren’t exactly sure what caused Bentley’s heart to stop beating. They said there was a higher risk to me and that it would be a more difficult recovery time. I thought they were crazy. I didn’t know where I was going to get strength to deliver Bentley. 

Around 9pm on 10-17-11, they inserted medicine to dialate my cervix, and we would begin the induction process. Blake and I just cried and cried. I just didn’t understand, and I still don’t understand the why. We were surrounded by friends and family, and our church family almost immediately. I am thankful that we had that support after hearing the worst news of our lives. I had amazing nurses taking care of me…They had explained to me that labor make take days….because there wasn’t anything natural about this process…they were medically inducing me so they just weren’t sure the timeframe, and that I should be prepared for several days. I thought again they were in sane. 

We didn’t sleep at all, but they removed the medicine around 9:30am on 10-18-11, then around 11ish they came in give my epidural. It took forever, but we finally got the correct pitocin ordered and they began the it around noon. I wasn’t quite sure how I was going to do. I was so nervous. I am so thankful for Blake. I had him by my side the entire time, and he was amazing. There are not any words to describe how thankful that I am that he was there for me. My labor went pretty quick, and I had really great nurses in the delivery room with me, and I had the most person to deliver Bentley that I possibly could. God had placed the right people at the right time. I had a waiting room full of people praying. I had people at the church and all over the area praying. I appreciated that, and it was so nice because I felt it. I felt the love and support that I had during that time. 

Labor began progressing pretty quickly. I delivered Bentley at 3:54pm, Tuesday, October 18, 2011. He was 6lbs. 19 inches long, and he had the most unique color of hair. It was brown with some light blonde with a red tint to it. He had my nose, and he had Blake’s toes. He had a head full of hair, and he even had a receding hair line already! He was so precious. He was perfect. When I delivered, they discovered that the cause of Bentley’s heart to stop beating was because the cord was a nuchal cord x3…which simply means the cord was wrapped tightly around his neck three times..

I was able to spend time holding Bentley. Blake and I both spent time holding him and loving him. I never got to hear him cry. I longed and I prayed so hard that they would all be wrong, and that Bentley would begin crying. I prayed for a miracle. I don’t know why this happened, and I probably never will, but I have faith that Bentley is safe in Heaven. I know he’s being loved right now, and I know he knows how much Blake and I both love him. This was the hardest thing that I have ever had to do…and I wish there was a different outcome because Blake and I miss Bentley so much, and this is going to be a LONG LONG LONG recovery process. But, I am blessed to have 38 weeks. I sit and think about the memories we had during the 38 weeks–it is amazing…it doesn’t make the hurt any less though…We lost our son…I know he is my guardian angel, but I just wished that I got to have him here with us. 

Well, this is a lot for one sitting….I just relived the day…and I will write more later…but I wanted to begin to write about everything…we need continued prayers and support..I pray to God everyday for strength…I never thought I’d be burrying my son a week after I delivered him. We held a service on October 24, 2011 at Resthaven. It was grave side. And, it was beautiful. We will ALWAYS love our son…he will NEVER be forgotten! We now begin to live a different way of life…

Stephanie blogs at  http://bentleycharlesnalley.weebly.com/.
You can contact her at  s.nalley@hotmail.com.  
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Comments

  1. Stephanie, I am so sorry for the loss of your precious Bentley. My son was stillborn at 33 weeks on 9/12/00. I have said a prayer for you that God would give you his joy and comfort, and that you would hold your son someday in heaven.
    Blessings.

    • Thank you so much….I am sorry for your loss too. It really is the worst thing in the world…

    • Stephanie, I am soo sorry for your loss, we lost our little girl at 38 weeks to same reason, she would be 6 yrs old now, not a day goes buy that I dont think about her. I will always keep you in my prayers , keep in the knowledge that you will see him again and hold him in your arms for eternity. God bless you.

  2. Marjorie Romulo says:

    I’m so sorry for your loss Stephanie. I wish i could say something to ease your pain. I loss my son October 19, 2011. Like you i prayed for a miracle. We don’t know what God has in mind allowing this to happen. I pray that He embrace you and comfort you in this very hard time.

    • Thanks, I am sorry for your loss as well. There really is no words, just it sucks, and it’s awful. I pray for you too. I prayed for a miracle…but I know I will see Bentley again. I miss him everyday, but God’s strength is the only way through…I know.

  3. Mercedes Contreras says:

    Stephanie,

    My heart and prayers go out to you and Blake. I lost my son Samuel at 41 weeks on November 11, 2010 due to a cord accident. I read your story and relive the moments when I said goodbye to my son. I’m so sorry. It’s been a year and it’s still difficult for me. I miss him everyday but I know I will see him again if God permits. I’ll be thinking about you during the holidays and praying God showers you with his love.

    Mercedes

    P.S. ESPN was my favorite tv channel and radio too! :)

    • Thank you. Wow, I meet more and more people with a story like ours, and it’s just awful…there are no words. Thank you for your thoughts and prayers. We appreciate it so much. ESPN only thing that keeps my mind busy to an extent. My husband loves it though lol.

  4. Hannah Roberts says:

    I am so sorry that you had to go through this. I lost my son Ethan at 37 weeks on August 30, 2011. I know this pain all too well and it just breaks my heart to hear of others having to go through this too. God is the biggest thing that has helped me get through each and every day. Some days it will feel like it just happened and other days you will be okay. I am praying for you and I am so sorry.

    • Thank you. I am sorry you experienced this pain too and continue…God has been my support. He really has. My husband and I have come so much closer through this experience, and I can tell you that my faith has been tested, and I am clinging to God. There are days I want to scream “WHY?! WHY GOD?!?!” But, I am trusting Him. I am trusting that He has his hand in our lives. I believe it. And, I appreciate your prayers. I feel the same though. Some days I think it hasn’t happened, then I realize that my stomach isn’t there, and I have no Bentley to hold…then it sinks it. It seems to sneak up on you. It gets you when you least expect it.

  5. Stephanie, I am so sorry that this happened to you. My husband and I also lost our first child, a girl, at 38 weeks on September 28th. I know what you mean about having to live a different way of life. Sometimes I feel I’m in a nightmare, and I’ll wake up one day to find that my daughter is actually alive, and I’ll be able to start living the life I should be living. Blessings to you during this terrible time. I’ll be keeping you and Blake and Bentley in my prayers.

  6. Stephanie, I am so sorry for your loss. There is a candle lighting ceremony tonight at 7PM local time around the US. The Compassionate Friends group is putting it on for all lost children. I plan on going to my local ceremony as I lost my son Shahzad at 42 weeks during a homebirth.

    I will be thinking of precious Bentley and all other other angel babies. My thoughts are with you and your husband.

  7. Stephanie, my heart is aching for you. Just like you, we lost our son Joshua at 38 weeks on July 13th 2011. I went to my routine visit and that is when they could not detect Joshua’s heart beat. My life changed from that moment. I will keep you in my prayers.

  8. Stephanie,

    I’m so sorry that this happened. My husband and I lost our sweet baby Allison two weeks ago due to a nuchal cord, (2x) at 37 weeks. During our pregnancy we have clung to Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” I hope you find comfort in that and am glad to hear that you have a church family to support you. I know that I couldn’t do this without our Lord Jesus Christ and I will pray for you for continued comfort and support in the most painful time of your life.

  9. Stephanie Skiffington says:

    Stephanie, I am Terribly sorry for your loss. I lost my son Jack at 37 weeks due to an aneurism that ruptured on my spleen I did not have to go through labor but the doctors told my family there was a slim to none chance I would make it. I was cut open from underneath my breasts to my pubic bone. Lost 95% of my blood so that caused my son to loose his oxygen rich blood.. Jack was 6 lbs 3 oz 19 inches long with oddly enough reddish hair..no clue where he got that from as my and my ex partner were both brunettes.. August 15th 2011 at 737 am my hopes and dreams of this planned and wanted baby boy was shattered. I woke up 3 days later in a different city as I had to be transported via airplane still cut open to a better hospital. I know what you are going through. But I know everyone grieves the same.

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