Miscarried June 10th, 2010
April of 2010 was not only a shocking time for my then fiance and I but also a joyous time. We learned that we were expecting our first child after an irresponsible night in March. After we got over the initial shock that we were pregnant, joy and excitement came into play. I started to think of names for our little bundle of joy and my fiance started to guess what he thought the baby would be. I was finishing up a semester at college and was out of the state.
Our campus doctors could only confirm the pregnancy and would not see me for prenatal care. So I figured since I would be home in just a few weeks that I would put off care and go to my doctor back home. May rolled around and I went home to spend the summer finishing the plans for my wedding and now getting care for myself and my unborn child. After calling and speaking with about 4 different OBGYNs I picked one that I wanted to see while I was still in the area. At my first appointment they again confirmed the pregnancy and checked for a heartbeat. There wasn’t anything heard with the doppler but nobody was worried because we figured I was only 8 or 9 weeks pregnant. I left the doctor feeling optimistic about the future of my new little family.
My next appointment was scheduled on June 10th, the same day as my younger brother’s high school graduation. Over the time span from my first doctor visit until June 10th I had very few symptoms and the ones I did have were very mild. I chose to believe I was just one of the lucky ones and went on with my excitement. My mother and I went to yard sales and started to stock up on neutral colored clothing and baby items. I even went to the woman that was going to alter my wedding dress to make sure I would be ok to wear it with the beginnings of a baby bump since my wedding was scheduled for July 4th.
Finally my next appointment rolls around. My mother, fiance, and myself all go into the office knowing that there is a chance we’ll get to see our little baby for the first time. The OB went over our paperwork and determined that I should have been about 12 weeks pregnant that day so she attempts to find the heartbeat with the doppler. When she is unable to do so she tells us not to worry, that it is still pretty early to readily find the heartbeat with a doppler. So she takes us across the hall to have an ultrasound done. I was thrilled that we would be able to see what is growing inside of me. The technician set us all up and plugged in the big screen TV so we could easily see what she was seeing on her own screen. The second that the wand touched my belly I knew it wasn’t good. There wasn’t anything on the screen, just emptiness. The same emptiness that I saw began to fill my heart. I had gone numb and barely heard the technician ask to confirm my dates and when she left the room to get the doctor I fell apart. I wasn’t balling but I was sobbing and telling my fiance that I know why she left so quietly. He tried to reassure me but about 5 minutes later the doctor came into the room. He told me that the baby had stopped growing at 8 weeks and didn’t have a heartbeat.
The next step was to decide how to proceed with the miscarriage. I could wait for things to happen on their own but that didn’t seem like a promising solution since I had remained pregnant for 4 weeks after my precious baby died. The only other option that made sense to us was to do the d&c. I wanted to find out what happened to him or her and I didn’t think I could handle losing them slowly over the course of days. I wanted it to happen all at once. I went home and told my family and both my fiance and I felt oddly numb about the whole thing. Right after the appointment we didn’t even cry, we were in a haze walking around and getting lunch before driving back to my parents’ home. Telling people about it at first didn’t seem difficult because it just didn’t seem real. How could this happen to us? Did I do something wrong to cause it? Is this a sign that I’m just not meant to have children? When it all did hit us it was like a pile of bricks raining down on us. We both broke down about an hour before we were supposed to leave for my brother’s graduation and I couldn’t pull myself back together to go. Not only was I sad for the loss of my child but then I was sad for missing out on celebrating my younger brother’s achievement.
I mourned the loss of our first child for a long time but made great strides with getting past it when we conceived our daughter. We found out we were pregnant just a few weeks before my previous due date and to this day I believe her older brother/sister has been looking over her from the time she was conceived.