Kimberly

Mom to baby lost November 20, 2011

Spring Hill, Florida

My story starts like most do. My husband and I had been “trying” to get pregnant for 4 years. Around August we decided to track my cycle for a few months and see what happens. Early October (our wedding anniversary month) we decided to give it a good try. I tracked when I should ovulate, and according to that we tried. It was a successful month…on October 22nd I took an early pregnancy test. I looked at the test, disappointed by what I saw, placed it down on the counter and walked away. A few minutes later something told me to go back in and check it out…sure enough there was that amazing 2nd line, very faint but it was there. I immediately showed my hubby, and while we were nervous we decided that this was our time. The next morning I had to be to work early so I ran by good ol’ Walmart and grabbed 2 more boxes of tests. During the next few days I continued to test, and the line became darker. I tested fairly early, so it took about 4 days to get that really beautiful dark 2nd line.

A few days after finding out I was pregnant the weird symptoms started. I cramped like my AF was starting, and it was horrible. They were never bad enough to have me doubled over in pain, but they continued the longer I was on my feet at work. Also, when I went to the restroom a few times there was some slight bloody discharge. When I called the dr.’s office they said this is normal because I was so early. They were kind enough to schedule my first appt that week even though I was only 5 weeks to calm my nerves. That appointment went great and I was reassured that all of the symptoms I was having were normal…this was my 2nd pregnancy so my body was reacting faster to this pregnancy. On Halloween I was home with my son, and I almost passed out. I couldn’t help but feel “off”, so I immediately called the dr.’s office, left my message, and waited for someone to call me back. The receptionist called back and said the dr. wanted me to come in for an ultrasound that week just to make sure everything was okay, and that I wasn’t having an ectopic pregnancy.

That Wednesday I got up for my ultrasound, expecting to hear that I was having an ectopic pregnancy. I was worried so I didn’t think about anything else that could be wrong. I drank the 32 required oz of water for the ultrasound, and thinking “Why are they making me drink this much water at 6 weeks?” When I got there they decided that I wasn’t far enough along to do an abdominal ultrasound so they made me empty my bladder and then I came back into the room. I lay on the table and we began the internal ultrasound. Across from the table was a large screen where I could see what was going on. Immediately we saw the sac, I remember asking, “Is that the sac?” The tech said, “It might be, but you are definitely too early for us to know for sure.” Immediately, I began questioning what she was talking about. At 6 weeks the sac only measured 4 weeks 2 days, which seemed impossible because after I ovulated we rarely had sex. As I was walking out of the ultrasound room, my OB was walking by and asked if everything was okay. I immediately started crying and said no. He went in and looked at the ultrasound really quick, came out and said, it looks like you are just behind on your dates…you can always go 2 week either way in the beginning. I was told to come back in 2 weeks.

The next 2 weeks were long. My cramping came and went, but I was still feeling other symptoms. Finally, the 2 weeks were over and I woke up excited and hopeful. I drank the 32 oz of water again and went in…unfortunately, I didn’t give enough time for the water so we did another internal ultrasound. Immediately, I knew something was way wrong. I saw the sac, but there still wasn’t anything in it. Here I was 8 weeks, and the sac was only measuring 5 weeks 1 day. The sac had hardly any growth in 2 weeks. I was crying on the table, and I couldn’t help but feel like something was definitely wrong. I was told I could wait to speak to someone, or wait for the OB to come back from a delivery to review and then call me back. I was not going to leave without some answers so they paged for a midwife to come talk to me. She was amazing, and comforted me before deciding that we were going to review the ultrasound together at that moment. As we walked back to the ultrasound room, she said that some development at the beginning can be slow, and those babies usually catch up before the big ultrasound. (I actually believed this statement at the time.) When we got back there they pulled up my ultrasound and she said everything looked ok, that she sees something starting in the sac, but it’s not a baby at the moment. She then brought up the previous ultrasound and commented how at least there was growth. Then I heard the words I hated, “Come back in 2 weeks and we will do another ultrasound.” If there wasn’t any growth then we would know the pregnancy wasn’t viable. Ok, so here I am devastated, crying, and walking to schedule yet again another ultrasound. Only to hear her call to me, “If you start bleeding before then, call us immediately.” Bam, that sealed my fate.

Between Wednesday and Friday I developed a horrible case of strep throat. The worst I had in a long time…which got me worried because when I was pregnant with my 1st I never got a cold or anything. That Saturday I went into work late because I was so sick. When I got off work later that night I was sitting in the living room when I felt funny. I got up and used the restroom, sure enough there it was, blood. Not enough to freak out about at the time, but enough to immediately start the tears. About 30 minutes later I stopped bleeding, but the cramping started up. These cramps were definitely horrible and had me scared. I took two Tylenol because it was so late and went to bed. I woke up that Sunday morning and the cramping started as soon as I got out of bed. I was still not bleeding, but it had me worried enough that I called my dr.’s office. The same midwife that I spoke to on Wednesday called me back and she immediately knew what was happening…”I had a feeling on Wednesday that you wouldn’t make it the 2 weeks, and I want you to go to the ER now…I’m calling them to tell them you are on the way. I am so sorry you have to go through this.”

Fast forward 2 hours, and I’m finally in the back being checked out. My body decided to close up, which I was hoping was an amazing sign that everything would be okay. They sent me for an ultrasound, where I wasn’t “allowed” to see the screen. The tech was amazing, left the room, “accidently” left the screen up for me to see. Sure enough, there was the sac, but still no baby, and the sac looked much different…almost deflated. So after 4 hours of waiting for results from the ultrasound, blood work, and urine screen the dr. came in and gave me my diagnosis. I had what is termed a blighted ovum. It only measured 5 weeks on the ultrasound, so it had shrunk 1 day in 4 days. I was given my options, going home and scheduling a D&C as outpatient for later in the week, which would have put me closer to Thanksgiving for it, or waiting for the OR team and my dr. to come in and have the procedure done that day. I chose to have the D&C that day…oh man.

I have never had any sort of procedure or surgery done before. I was freaking out because I was scared I was never going to wake back up to see my hubby, son, or family. The procedure itself was not bad, I was in and out within 30 minutes and then it took another 30 minutes to recover. The physical recovery from this is nothing compared to the emotional recovery I am going through. Today is 11/25/11 and I am 5 days post-miscarriage. I am having a hard time with this. I am a very emotional person, so it has really taken its toll on me. I have had such a range of emotions, the highs and the lows. I can go from laughing to crying in about 2 seconds. I had to take a few extra days off of work due to these emotions. I still have cramping that is pretty bad, and I am uncomfortable. I pray that these emotions will become controllable soon, and I wish that I could move past this. I feel like I’m stuck on the day that it has happened. I tried to prepare myself for this when I got those 2 bad ultrasounds, but there really is no way to prepare myself. All I can do is recover, and try again.

You can reach Kimberly at mrs.dukes2008@hotmail.com.

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Comments

  1. jamie lea says:

    KImberley, I am so sorry for the loss of your precious baby. I had a misscariage on 11/11/08. You can have joy in your life again, but it takes time to grieve. I have said a prayer for you that God would comfort you and that you will hold your baby some day in heaven.
    Blessings.

  2. Jennifer L. says:

    I’m so sorry, Kimberly. I lost a baby on November 10, 2005. I have written about my miscarriage on my blog if it would help to read my story. It is a really difficult loss. Be gentle with yourself and allow yourself to grieve.

    Hugs.

    http://livelifeartfully.blogspot.com

  3. sp4rkl3z says:

    Hey hon! Thinking of you!

  4. Celia says:

    Kimberly,
    My deepest sympathies to you and your family. I miscarried on 12/23/10, by far the worst day of my life. As time moves on, your emotions will begin to subside, allowing you some time of peace. But the flare ups will continue and take you by surprise. Cry when you need to cry, vent when you can’t take it anymore, just know that you are not alone. I am always here to talk, especially now when your wound is still fresh.
    Sending you peace and positive thoughts during this holiday season.
    Celia

  5. Maria Miller says:

    Hey—I’m sorry for your loss. The heartbreak is unbelievable. No one can fathom it except for yourself. I too, had one blighted ovum, one 8 week 6 day miscarriage where my baby lost it’s heartbeat and one anembryonic miscarriage at approximately 8 weeks (they kept saying it was too early to see anything yet–I call BS) It has been hell. I’m thinking of you and sending everything positive your way. We are all in this fight together.

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