Mom to Larissa
Stillborn on her due-date, November 15, 2010
It was March 11th, 2010 when the word ‘pregnant’ on a Clear Blue digital pregnancy test changed my life forever. From that moment on, I was a mom.
When I arrived at the hospital, the nurse instructed me to change into the gown. I then lay on the bed and she put the monitor on my stomach to listen for the heartbeat. After several seconds of searching for the heartbeat, I saw the fear in the nurse’s eyes. She reassured me that the baby was probably just in an awkward position and went to get the doctor to perform an ultrasound. I knew when that first ultrasound was completed that our baby was no longer with us. The doctor told us the equipment was old and it was hard to see the baby on it and that they would call the ultrasound tech to complete an ultrasound with the better equipment.
I immediately began to panic and kept repeating to my husband “Our baby is dead.” Even when saying those words, I couldn’t believe it. My husband tried to calm me down and told me to relax until there was a reason to worry. After what felt like an eternity, the ultrasound tech and doctor entered the room to confirm our worst fears. Although I didn’t look at the screen, my husband’s quivering chin made me realize that our baby was gone. He, unfortunately, was looking at the screen of her still heart.
I cannot tell you exactly what happened in the moments following that confirmation. I recall the doctor’s words that our baby had passed. I kicked and screamed and heard the sobbing of my husband beside me. I didn’t cry. I couldn’t produce any tears at that point. I think it was my body’s way of protecting me from the shock of the experience. I just shut down and felt that I was having an out of body experience and that I would wake up and realize it was only a nightmare.