Mom to Angus Andrew Wu
February 8, 2011 – February 11, 2011
Dumfries, Scotland, UK
Where to start? I married the love of my life in 2009 and just over a year later we decided to try for a baby. To our surprise the first month we fell pregnant. Apart from a lot of morning sickness all was happy and healthy. Our estimated due date was February the 14th, Valentine’s day, how romantic! I’d always disliked Valentine’s Day but our little baby was due then and that would make it very special. We spent the 9 months bonding with this bump, calling the baby he as we just felt there was a little boy in there. Six days before our EDD our little fella decided he was ready to meet mama and daddy. At 13.08 on the 8th of February 2011 Angus Andrew Wu was born along with a love I’d never felt before. At that moment our lives changed. We just didn’t expect it to be like this. He was a happy and healthy little boy and we went home the same day he was born. We had 3 blissful days with our son as a family. Those 3 days are held so dear in our hearts, perfection, pure perfection. I didn’t care how little sleep I got I just looked at our son in awe. We made him, together, out of pure love came this pure innocent little soul.
On Friday the 11th of February after a feed both Angus and I went for a nap, when I awoke my world was shattered. It had only been half an hour but now Angus sleeps forever. We lost our precious first child to SIDS (Sudden Infant Death Syndrome). 300 babies a year in the UK alone die of SIDS. There is no reason for it, “it just happens”. Our world came crashing down around us and there is no explanation for it. He had only been with us for 3 days but it felt like he belonged and suddenly we were without him. To us he was a person, he had a personality from the first fluttering movements, he is our son.
We got to hold him one last time at the hospital and say goodbye, it doesn’t seem right to have to say goodbye to your child. When the nurse took him out of the basket to hand him to me, part of me prayed he was still alive, that it was a mistake, a cruel joke. But it wasn’t, he was cold and looked like he was sleeping. I wept as I told him how sorry I was, sorry I couldn’t protect him, that I couldn’t save him. I felt at that moment that I failed as a mother. How could I let my baby die? What if I hadn’t gone to sleep, or if I just held him a little longer would he still be here? He was 6 days early, was that my fault? He should still have been safe and warm inside my womb kicking away. If I had gone into labour on my due date would he still be here? So many questions we will never have answers to. I’m slowly coming to terms with the fact that there was nothing I could have done, we did nothing wrong and we never saw it coming. If there was something I could have done I would have done it. I would have given my life to save our son.
Many sleepless nights followed and many, many tears. Throughout my pregnancy I played Michael Buble to Angus every day, even now hearing it breaks my heart a little more. Not a day passes where I don’t think what he would look like or what he would be doing. But I can’t imagine him as anything else other than our gorgeous little newborn boy in his little spotty hat. The days have gotten a little less hard. I still struggle now to accept that he’s gone, that he has been. But he’s changed me so much as every child here or not changes their parents.
You can reach Heidi at firstname.lastname@example.org.