Mom to Brodilyn, miscarried at 3 months
Lino Lakes, MN
From the moment I took the first pregnancy test I loved you. I wanted to be so certain there was a life growing inside of my tummy- I took seven test all confirming there was a precious life growing right under my heart. Although no one could see my physical changes yet, I felt you. After all the tragedies the past couple years- I finally had my strength, love and hope growing in my tummy so close to my heart. I was so excited to to cuddle you in my arms, show you the world, kiss your precious forehead, and tell my sweet baby how much I love you.
I made sure to take the very best care of you and I. I was ready to give you unconditional love and care as long as we lived. Unfortunately you couldn’t stay long and make the appearance we were all waiting for.
Grandma and Grandpa were the best grandparents to you- they were excited to spoil you and help mommy get on her feet. They were very supportive and excited to meet their first Grand-baby. Grandma bought you your first stuffed animal, a white elephant with tan poke-a-dots. It was adorable. I can’t even tell you, sweet baby, how many times Auntie Cass read the baby book and took notes- She was counting down the days til she met you. She would make “crave” runs when I wanted a special food or treat. She dedicated the song “Capri” to us.
Mommy and you would read nursery rhymes and fall asleep to “Capri” and cuddled with your elephant every night. Auntie Cass also gave you your nickname. Mommy knew your name would be Brody or Addilyn. She would always come up to mommy and say “Baby Brodilyn” while rocking her arms. Uncle Joshy was shocked, but so excited. He was counting down the days till he could bring you to the gym and make you a tough cookie. He also has a sensitive side and couldn’t wait to meet the new addition to the Kelly household. Uncle Dyl is so sweet. Everyday he made sure mommy ate the proper amount and kinds of food. He was making plans and was going to be your number one babysitter when mommy went back to school.
You are loved my little Brodilyn. Precious angel, you have touched all our hearts and won’t be forgotten. Mommy was counting down the days til she heard your tiny heart beat. While we waited for the date, you even flew to Cali with me. I think you would have loved the sand and ocean as much as me. Auntie Cass came to pick us up from the airport- Her and I were planning a trip out there for you, her and I after you were born. Mommy felt really sick after the flight- I called the doctor and they said the pains are most likely normal. I laid in Grandma’s bed for three days- Hoping my sweet Brodilyn was okay. Mommy continued reading nursery rhymes to you, cuddling with your elephant and listening to Capri.
The day finally came when Grandma and I went to see the doctor, hear your small heart and see your beautiful profile- The day we were all waiting for. The doctor tried to find your heart beat, but couldn’t. She told me not to panic, but I had instant tears. Mommy knew something wasn’t right- Must be a mom instinct, that grandma tells me about. We proceeded to the picture ultrasound- I saw you on the screen and took a deep breath of relief. My sweet baby was there. My relief and joy was taken from me when the doctor told me, “Baby Brodilyn’s heart is right there. However, if it were beating there would be a little flicker. My heart sank. I asked the doctor if it just means your heart was just delayed. She said, no…you need to prepare to miscarry. Grandma instantly grabbed me in a huge hug and we grieved the loss of my baby and her grandbaby. She said to me, “You are strong honey, I know how much you love Brodilyn and wanted to meet your baby.”
The doctor gave me options, but i was determined your heart would start soon- I continued reading to you, cuddling with your elephant and listening to “Capri”.
Two weeks later nothing was happening yet. My body was still holding on to you; just as much as my heart and mind were holding you tightly. The doctor said I needed a D&C to prevent causing serious medical issues and never becoming a Mommy. I didn’t want to give you up- my heart was broken into pieces. I was still holding on to the hope I would be holding you close to my chest and kiss your innocent forehead on October 16th, 2011-your due date. After a lot of tears, isolation and thought, I decided to get the D&C. Grandma and Grandpa drove us to the hospital for the surgery. I was crying the entire time- I wanted the comfort of you being next to me. After the surgery the doctors said, “You’re done.” That’s it, done? Mommy felt so guilty, giving you up and saying goodbye. Mommy wishes she could hold you next to my heart forever. Mommy mourned you for weeks, months and still to this day. I made a little remembrance box with all your special things. It was so difficult to do, but now I can look back at it and feel you close to me.
When I lost you, I lost my strength. Mommy went down an awful path. I know now, even though I don’t physically have you to hold, you hold me and help me find strength again. Tomorrow, October 16, 2011, I would be holding you close to my chest, begin to introduce you to the world and tell my sweet child how beautiful you are. Momma’s cousin, Travie, is up in heaven- Let him hold you and wait for me. Continue giving mommy strength and remember the love I hold for you. You may not be under my heart anymore or able to lay on my chest and hear my heart- but you will always be in mommy’s heart. I love you precious Brodilyn. Mommy can’t wait to meet you and hold you tight. Sweet dreams, sweet Baby.
You can contact Tiffany at firstname.lastname@example.org