Mom to Michael James, miscarried March 20th, 2011

and Cale Rogan, September 4th, 2011

Morristown, TN

My husband and I embarked on our journey to have children thinking it would nothing but excitement and the next step in our marriage. We had been trying for about a year when in February of 2011 I found out I was pregnant. Ecstatic doesn’t begin to describe what we were.
It came time to go to the doctor and see our baby for the first time. We left that day terrified. What the ultrasound and blood work showed was an underdeveloped fetus and low hormone levels. The doctors told us to prepare for the inevitable. But we still had hope till I woke up in the early morning of March 20th and realized I was loosing my baby, Michael James.  I was 8 weeks along. The ER confirmed my fears and we went home to deal with what had happened. After that I decided to hide my pain until I had become so depressed I wasn’t able to function at my job, at home, or really at anything. I then knew I had to deal with what had happened and what I had lost. My husband helped me through and was able to heal and finally decide to try again. 
On May 25th I found out I was pregnant with our 2nd child.  Needless to say we were a lot more cautious this time around. But my terrible morning sickness, fatigue, and food aversion made me feel we were going in the right direction. We found a heartbeat on the ultrasound and I thought my husband was going to faint. I was still in shock but so thankful to at least get that one milestone under our belt. Things from that point progressed very well. My hormones were top notch and my sickness had yet to go away.  We met every checkpoint and at 14 weeks I “popped” and boom had a baby belly. At 16 weeks I began feeling the baby move and was amazed at how real things became. I started getting to know my baby. His patterns and when he moved the most. My husband and I had finally gotten our first baby gift. My parents had bought us the pack-n-play we had been lusting over.
At 5:45 am on August 26 I rolled over in bad and realized I had to pee (for the 6th time that night) and when I stood my water broke. I was so scared I screamed and waddled to the bathroom and stood in the tub. Water poured down my legs and I had no idea what was happening. We flew to the ER where they discovered that I had lost all the fluid surrounding the baby. The baby was fine and had a very strong heartbeat. The doctors decided to rush me to my OBGYN. They confirmed the diagnosis that I had premature rupture of my membranes (or my water had broken early). At this point all we could do was wait. The whole in the sac would either mend and the fluid regenerate or I would deliver prematurely.
A week later I started cramping during the night and called the doctor to see if I should come on in. They decided my symptoms weren’t severe enough and told me to stay home. On September 4th I woke up in such pain it buckled my knees.  My husband had left for church already and by the time he got back I was afraid to stand. I had no idea how far along I was in the process and was in such pain I didn’t know if I could walk. He got me to the car and we went to the ER. They checked me and ran me on my gurney to labor and delivery. Once there things moved very quickly.
I delivered my son Cale Rogan at 9:21 that morning with no pain meds and having no birth training to speak of. He was perfectly healthy but there was nothing they could do. He was just too young to survive. I was 20 weeks along.  The thing I cherish the most are the footprints the hospital took of my baby. It is something that helps me remember that I had carried him and loved him. It was also validation for me to show others. “Look, see he is real. I love him and knew him as my son!”
I am now working on healing both holes in my heart, for Michael James my first child and one for Cale Rogan my second. Looking to the future is a terrifying thing. But my faith in God has given me peace to know that he is with my children and loves them even more than I ever could.
For those looking for help in dealing with your grief I highly recommend a book by Kathy Wunnenberg called “Grieving the Child I Never Knew.” It helped me put my feelings on paper and she gave me words when I could not even begin to describe what I was feeling. It hads changed my grieving and helped me deal with what I had and lost. My husband and I look forward to one day holding our child. Please know that you are not alone. And what you are feeling is ok. We are praying for you and your journey.
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