Mom to Zachary Nathan
June 24th, 2011
and Multiple Miscarriages
On June 23, 2011 we received one of the most devastating news in our lives. Our baby I had been carrying for 16 weeks no longer had a heartbeat.
We have been blessed with three beautiful daughters Hailey (7), Reagan (6) and Taylor (2). I had 3 miscarriages after Reagan and 1 after Taylor. The 4 miscarriages happened before 11 weeks and they were just as devastating like our most recent loss. We did not plan on having anymore children after my last miscarriage. After the shock of finding out I was pregnant we were looking forward to becoming a family of 6.
Since I have had multiple miscarriages as soon as I found out I was pregnant my OB had me come in for an ultrasound. Everything looked good. I was monitored closely and had ultrasounds every few weeks just to make sure baby was doing well. At 12 weeks I started spotting. It happened on a Friday late afternoon so I had to wait until Monday to go in for an ultrasound. I thought for sure I had miscarried, but the bleeding had quit the next day and I didn’t have any severe cramping like I had with my other miscarriages. We were relieved to find out at the ultrasound that our baby was alive and had a very strong heartbeat. Two other ultrasounds followed and everything was still looking great. At one of the last ultrasounds our baby was moving one of its hands around and it looked like it was trying to suck its thumb. It was great to see and I felt reassurance that everything will be ok.
The morning we found out we lost our baby I dropped the girls off at daycare before my appointment. Before I left our oldest Hailey said to me “do you still have the baby?” and I responded “of course I do” and she replied “no you don’t”. It kind of freaked me out, but I had no reason to believe that I had lost the baby because I had been feeling great, the baby had been moving around and all the ultrasound results were good.
I have had the same OB Dr. for 7 years so he has given us good and many not so good news. He was thrilled for us and so were we that I had made it to 16 weeks so instead of using the Doppler to hear the heartbeat he decided to take me over to the next room to do an ultrasound. He said to me “it’s more fun to see them”. Little did we know what awaited us. As soon as he started moving the monitor around my belly I knew something was wrong. Unfortunately I have seen the same look on his face 4 other times. He couldn’t even tell me there was no heartbeat. Right away he sent me over to an ultrasound tech just to be sure. At the second ultrasound she didn’t have to tell me either. I saw it on the monitor at the bottom of the screen: the word heartbeat with a straight line. I think I was in denial up until then and I just broke into tears. I couldn’t believe I had made it this far only to lose another baby.
The next morning my husband and I went to the hospital so I could be induced to deliver our baby naturally. I had c-sections with our girls so I had some fears of delivering naturally. It was the longest 14 hours of my life. We didn’t know what we were having and the nurses said they might be able to tell. On June 24, 2011 at 11:45 pm I delivered our baby. The nurse turned to me and my husband and said “would you like to hold him.” Our first boy and it broke my heart even more. It was a very sad and bittersweet moment. He was perfect and he was beautiful. We named him Zachary (means the Lord remembers) Nathan (after his father and means God’s gift). We were blessed to hold and spend time with Zachary for many hours. I didn’t want to give him back to the nurse because I knew I would never be able to hold him again. We had Zachary cremated and brought him home, where he belongs with us.
I think about our little angel every day and still can’t help but think what might have been. I love you and miss you so much Zachary! You will always be a part of our lives, always in our hearts and never forgotten.
Zachary will live forever in our hearts …
Kari can be contacted at email@example.com