Mom to Brody Michael
Born Sleeping on August 21st, 2011
Ford City, Pennsylvania
Brody Michael Lukehart was a well planned baby. His father and I had some trouble trying to conceive but then magically two months after we got married, our miracle came. I had stopped wanting to take pregnancy tests because time after time, I was just let down. I could hardly believe it. Instantly, I turned into a mother. I became the healthiest I have ever been. I thought twice about everything I ate, drank, and did. I knew I wanted to stay at home so my life drastically changed. I researched everything I could about breastfeeding and became very proud of the fact that I could nourish my child with God given nutrients. I had his room planned out in my head. Frogs would be the theme. I had consumed myself with planning for Brody’s arrival all while having a strong intuition that I would never actually bring him home. I don’t know if it was a mother’s intuition, my own personal feelings of pessimism, or just God’s way of preparing me for the worst pain I would ever feel in my entire life.
My pregnancy was “perfect” as quoted by my Doctor. I measured perfectly, I was carrying perfectly, and I never felt miserable. I had some morning sickness but sometimes smiled after I threw up my breakfast, just knowing there was a life inside me. I felt beautiful. Brody made me feel like I was the best mother in the world.
My husband’s mother passed away when he was just 10 months old. She was only 29 and had bone cancer. We always have felt her near us, looking down upon us and occasionally caught her smiling at us in pictures we took. We were convinced Brody would arrive on her birthday which was November 3rd. His due date was October 29th. I had no idea his birthday would be much earlier and far less of the happy experience that we had intended.
On the morning of August 21, 2011, I woke up with back pain. I have always had lower back pain, even before I was pregnant so my initial thought was I just slept wrong. My husband ran me a bath and when I had gotten in, I started having contractions. A called a girlfriend of mine who is a nurse and she told me to get to the hospital. We went to the closest hospital and in my head I was thinking I was going to have Brody early at 30 weeks. I was okay with that.
The nurses searched frantically for his heart rate. I knew it wasn’t there. They took me to ultrasound and I will never forget the stoned faces I stared at while realizing my baby was no longer with us. My placenta abrupted and completely detached from my uterus. I never cried. I had an overwhelming feeling of peace come over me. They told me it was shock. I know it was God. He had been preparing me for that moment since I read “positive” on that test. My husband was a mess, to say the least. My first words to him were “He is with your mother; God knows what He is doing”. I still never shed a tear. I apologized to the nurses and Doctor for seeming to be insensitive. After that I don’t remember a lot. I started screaming in agony, begging someone to help me. I was driven by ambulance to Magee Women’s Hospital in Pittsburgh. I refused a helicopter ride. I started bleeding a lot on the way. At one point I remember feeling no pain and I thought “I am just gonna go to sleep now”. The Doctors didn’t let that happen. Everything went so fast but went so slow at the same time. I ended up in ICU. I needed blood transfusions and pain medication…Still no tears. I was fearing that I would have to have a C- Section, something I wanted to avoid with Brody so bad. I wanted to share the natural birthing experience with him. The Doctors told me I could deliver him naturally and I was happy and scared all at the same time. A little part of me thought that he would come out breathing.
I delivered Brody at 7:09 PM. He was the most beautiful baby I had ever seen. I look at his pictures and notice how purple he is, but at that moment, I never saw that. I saw a precious baby boy and I rocked him like I was putting him to sleep. It was a bitter sweet moment. I was holding an angel but I was also holding the lifeless body of my first child.
It would be easy to break down; it would be easy to just give up on myself and my life. That would be easy. I chose the hard way of dealing with it positively. I know that Brody wants his mom and dad to be the happy people who created him. That is what keeps us going single day. I was never mad at God, I was never mad in general. I did eventually cry, oh boy did I cry. I cry everyday. I cry when I realized I haven’t cried all day. Brody was made through so much love and I want him to continue to look down on us and smile. I know he wants us to smile back. That is my advice to anyone who has to go through this nightmare. Smile back at your baby, he or she wants that. Share their story because they aren’t able to. Continue to live your life but open your eyes to miracles. Realize that every time the sun beats down on your face it is your baby. Every time the wind blows through your hair, it is your baby.
Brody was buried next to his Grandma. She is taking very good care of him in Heaven and his father and I look forward to the day when we can be with them both.
Tia blogs at Brody’s Frog Blog.
Tia can be contacted at email@example.com