Mom to Baby L
Miscarried December 16th, 2007
Miscarried June 14th, 2008
and Baby Thanksgiving
Miscarried April 7th, 2011
Baby L’s Story
My husband and I had decided to go off of the pill and start trying for a baby. My best friend had gotten pregnant so quickly and easily that I just assumed it would happen that way for me as well. I mean, all you have to do is have sex right? We tried for about 6 months before we started to think maybe we should start tracking things and counting days…well, before we knew it, we were pregnant. I was scared and nervous and excited all at the same time. I was 29 at that time and had always thought I’d be a mom before 30…finally it was happening!
My husband wanted to tell everyone…I wanted to tell no-one! I thought it would be bad luck to tell but I finally gave in to him and agreed to tell our parents. We bought them photo books and put a picture of the positive pregnancy test on the first page. They were so excited too! I called my dr. to make an appointment and they wouldn’t see me until I was 8 weeks so we had to wait. I was a good pregnant lady…drinking water, eating fruit, all the things I was supposed to do… The day of the appointment finally arrived and I got to leave work early for my very first ultrasound.
We were finally called back and I was so nervous, but ready. I had no idea what to look for on the screen so I didn’t know what was what. The technician was not the friendliest person ever, but I still noticed her reaction as she looked for the baby. All she would tell me was that she needed to get the dr. He came in and explained to us that while there was a fetal pole and a sac, that no baby had begun to grow. He called it a blighted ovum and scheduled me for a d&e. I was beyond devastated and there weren’t very many people I could talk to because I hadn’t told anyone I was pregnant except my parents. I spent 3 days crying on my couch and unable to move. I’ve never felt that deflated in my life. But it wouldn’t be the last time…
Baby Christmas’ story:
After my D&E, my dr. told me I should wait 3 months before trying to conceive again. I didn’t want to do that. I thought that the faster I got pregnant, the faster I would get over my loss. I kept thinking I could be one of those who got pregnant before the first period after surgery happened. But 65 days later, my period finally arrived. It was almost waiting 3 months anyway! I immediately started ovulation kits and temperature tracking. I have horribly long cycles so that is the only way it would ever happen. I found out I was pregnant in March and told my husband “are you ready for this again?” We were once again excited, but very guarded…we didn’t expect much after losing our first. This time, we decided not to tell anyone until after the first ultrasound. So, after going to the dr. and seeing the baby on the screen AND hearing the heartbeat we thought we were home free! We told our parents, our friends, everyone close to us (but still waited to tell the rest of the world!) I was extremely paranoid, but didn’t want to be a burden to my dr. so I just waited for my scheduled visits. At my next visit I got to see my baby again! JOY! We watched that little heartbeat beating so fast and got pictures to bring home and everything! I decided that since I was paranoid, and I didn’t want to burden my dr. that I would rent a fetal heart Doppler machine so we could listen to it at home. It arrived and we never could get the thing to work! We tried and tried to hear the heartbeat like we had at the dr’s office, but couldn’t get it to work right. On Father’s Day in June we went to my parent’s house and saw my dad and ate lunch and then came home to rest before we went to see my husband’s dad. I went to the bathroom and wiped and had a bit of blood. Scared me to death! I ran outside and told my husband and then I went to the bathroom repeatedly looking for blood. I was so scared that we decided to go to the ER. All the details of the ER visit are irrelevant and drawn out…but we had an ultrasound and the screen was turned away from me. I couldn’t see anything…but I couldn’t hear anything either…I felt a pit in my stomach and I just knew. Our baby was gone. The heart had just stopped beating (which was also why we could never get the Doppler to work…there was no heartbeat to hear). It was time for my 2nd D&E. My baby, who was due on Christmas, was taken on Father’s Day. It was ripped from us and we didn’t know what we were going to do. I guess all we could do was wait and try again.
And yes, we were able to have a wonderful little boy after that…but then
Baby Thanksgiving’s story:
We decided that even though we had finally had success with ovulation kits and temperature tracking, we were going to do this the old fashioned way and just see what happened! Well, we did that for a while and then decided that since my cycles were running about 45 days long that we might need some help. So I scheduled a dr. visit (with my new dr!) and was put on Provera to make me start my period. I was also prescribed Clomid to help me ovulate and was supposed to take it on days 3-7. Well, I took the Provera and never started. It was 2 weeks after taking it and I called the dr. office to ask what might be the trouble. They told me to take a pregnancy test. I thought, “well that’s a waste of $15!” but I took one and it was positive! I honestly didn’t believe it and thought that my medicine was creating a false positive. So of course I called the dr. and went in and when they did a test it was positive too! My dr. told me to go ahead and get an ultrasound right then and the tech told me not to worry if we didn’t see anything because it might be too early. But there it was! A tiny little heart beating away! JOY again!!! I couldn’t bring myself to get too excited because there was this fear always nagging me. This dr. allows me to call him all the time so I spent the next few weeks constantly asking for checkups and ultrasounds…especially when I started bleeding. They said it was nothing and that it happens all the time and when I went in for another ultrasound there was the heartbeat again! But the bleeding just kept coming and coming…I just couldn’t shake the thought that something wasn’t right. I went back AGAIN for another ultrasound and the tech (who knows me really well now) was talking up a storm about how it happens all the time and not to get too worried but that it is good to get it checked out and all of a sudden she just stopped talking and I knew. The heart had stopped beating and the baby was gone. My baby who was due in November, right around Thanksgiving, was gone. Now I had 3 babies in Heaven. It was time for another D&E. I’m getting to be a pro at that.
Honestly, the 3rd loss was just as terrible as the first, but I’m beginning to get numb to it. I know I can get pregnant…I just can’t keep them. There are no known causes to my losses, but I’m going to keep trying until someone tells me to stop. I do have one wonderful baby boy and if he is all I ever have, that will be good enough for me. But I sure do wish I had my others as well.
Jenne can be contacted at firstname.lastname@example.org