Cassandra Chekowski

Mom to Breaze Lee Chekowski-Martin

July 11th, 2007 – May 25th, 2008

Edmonton, Alberta

Canada

My daughter is no longer here. She meant the world to me and even more. She was the best thing to ever happen in my life, and when she was taken away from me at 10 and a half months old, a month and a half before she would have been one, my whole world turned into a surreal nightmare, and I lost a part of me that I will never ever get back.

I was 15 years old, when I missed my first ever period. It was October 2006. I was both happy and both very afraid, happy because I had something so special growing inside me, and afraid, my family wouldn’t approve, so I kept it a secret. I pretended like I still got my periods, and when I started to bleed at the end of December I thought, Oh wow, not I won’t have to tell anyone, but I was heartbroken. January’s cycle came around, and again I didn’t bleed it made no sense. I was seeing a psychiatrist at the time, for stuff that I was dealing with from the past. I told her about missing my cycle yet again, and she knew I was still pregnant. She went and called my mom, even after I had told her I would tell them myself.

My mom was not a happy camper. She told me I needed to get rid of what I had inside me; she called the abortion clinic and set up a pre date for me. I went in with her, and I saw my little girl for the first time.  She was beautiful and perfect, and they got me the perfect picture, showing all of her, her perfect head, her prefect hands and feet, she was beautiful even though it was only an ultrasound. They set a date for the abortion itself, my heart was filled with dread, I kept thinking to myself how can I go through with this? how can I just go and kill a life that can’t speak for itself and say if it wants to live or die.

I was living with my grandma at the time; I also had a social worker. I called her the day of the appointment balling because I did not want to go in there and have to abort my baby. I was 3 and half months along, and it would be hard. She called my mother and told her that she would not give permission for me to have an abortion, so I didn’t go. My mom and I stopped talking for awhile, but she gave me a name to a gynaecologist and told me to go see him. I listened to my mom, and my grandma came with me.

My first appointment I was scared and nervous and just plain jittery. They set me up in a little room, and the doctor came in, and told me we had to do an ultrasound, so I went into another room, with a big machine, and once again I saw my little girl. I knew it was a girl, I just had this feeling inside me, that it was going to be a little girl. The doctor couldn’t tell every view he tried to get there was always something in the way, either her leg or the umbilical cord, one time she even had her legs crossed. She was funny that way. I found out why I bled though, and it was because my little angel was supposed to be a twin. I lost one of my precious babies within the first 3 months of my pregnancy. Yes I was heartbroken but I was still so happy because I still at least had one of them to give my love to. They told my grandmother and I that my little Girls due date was July, 18th, 2007, which just happened to be my grandmas birthday.

So the pregnancy was going great, she kept growing more and more, then I got stressed out, and started fighting with the people I now know were only trying to protect me. My family, I went to go see my ex on a bus, because I didn’t drive. I pulled the line to get the bus to stop at the next stop, I got up so I could move to the door, when all of a sudden he slammed on the breaks, when there was nothing in our way, and my abdomen got slammed into the seat in front of me. Then I felt it, I felt wetness in between my legs, and a slight cramping. At this time, I was only 5 months and 2 weeks along. I got to my baby’s daddy’s house, and went straight to the bathroom, to find that I was in fact bleeding, but it was a very, very light bleeding, I called health link and they told me not to worry, but as soon as I could, get to a hospital.

So I and my baby’s father got on a bus to start heading to the hospital. It was the same bus driver as before, and I felt like ripping his eyes out, but I stayed calm took my seat, and this time when it was my stop I waited until he came to a stop. I got up, he started going before I even had the time to get off the bus, we called stop, he slammed on the breaks again, and this time my abdomen went right into the pole by the door. Needless to say I told him to learn how to drive. I got to the hospital, and I was still bleeding lightly. I told them what had happened, and they sent me by ambulance, to another hospital. It was the bumpiest ambulance ride I have ever had.

They got me in right away, my mom was down there as soon as she dropped off my 1 year old sister at her dads, and she was crying I knew she had been, even though she told me she hadn’t been crying.  They gave me a steroid shot, and put me on bed rest, as she had already dropped, and said that she was getting ready to come, but they said if she came this early she probably wouldn’t make it being as she wasn’t 6 months yet. I was a nervous wreck, talking to her, telling her to stay in there. I was in the hospital for a week before they let me out, because the fear of her coming early had passed, she was healthy, her heart beat was fine, and there seemed to be no sign of anything that could be a problem.

So my pregnancy went along, everything was fine I had another ultrasound, and it looked as if she was waving at me, I was so excited and couldn’t wait for my little girl to be in my arms. But then I started to worry it was like the middle of June, and I stopped feeling her move as much, as well as I was losing weight, in 2 weeks I had lost 10lbs. I went to my doctor, who had said everything was fine, My little girl wasn’t losing any weight it was all me, and she was just cramped up, that’s why I didn’t feel her very much anymore.

July 7, 2007 early in the morning I went to the hospital with major contractions, I thought they were major anyways, but turned out it was only the lower form of contractions and I was 1cm dilated, but because of the problems I had early on they wanted to keep me in the hospital until I had her, so again I was on bed rest, and got in trouble many times for not being in the wheel chair and walking around, so we just took the wheel chair with me and my baby’s father, or my mom or a girlfriend who came to visit me. My mom had to fight with the head of the hospital cause they wouldn’t let my little ones father stay with me, so mom stayed with me every night to make sure I wasn’t alone. We had gotten very close.

She made me walk up and down there stairs about 5 times a day to make her come already, the doctors gave us trouble.

July 10th 2007, I was in the downstairs waiting room watching big brother, with the father of my child when he said he had to leave, well I got up and this big wave of pain over took my body, and brought white spots to my eyes. I told him he can’t leave that I was going into intense labour right then, but he insisted that he had to leave. Luckily I had called my mother in the elevator going up stairs, and she was just dropping off my sister then was on her way over, well when I told her that the pain was really bad this time she rushed. I kept calling her father, but he wouldn’t answer, then the pain over took everything, I sat in the bathroom till my mom got there, and the next contraction ended.

I got my mom to get me, toast with butter and strawberry jam, even though I wasn’t suppose to have it I knew, but for some reason my body was telling me I needed it, so she got it for me without questions asked. She had to tie up my hair in a ponytail, because the pain was so bad I was starting to pull my hair, then the pain started more, and my toast did not want to stay down. I wasn’t able to have morphine, because of allergies. I kept trying to call my baby’s father, with all failed attempts. By 2:30a.m they finally moved me upstairs, by then I was dry heaving and all that was coming up was bile, and blood, but then they gave me the Epidural, my life was complete, the pain stopped, and I was in la-la land.

Needless to say I fell asleep and by 4a.m my daughter’s father finally showed up, the nurse came in to check how dilated was, but no it was not time yet. So again, we all went to sleep, mom in the recliner chair, me in the bed, and the father rested his head by my hip on his arms. At 6:25a.m the nurse came in again to check how dilated I was, this time when she went to check, my water broke right on the bed, and I was ready. The nurse called down to the doctor and at 6:35a.m, I was told to start pushing, this was a gruelling time, because at 7:05a.m, I was told I had to stop, and wait for the doctor.

7:17a.m rolls around and the doctor finally, appears, and then I’m happy, I get to push some more, and finally, at 7:37a.m, I was greeted with a baby, who at first did not cry. But she was moving, which meant nothing was wrong, the doctor had to pinch her to make her cry. She cried but not for long, they wrapped her up, and put her in my arms, I thought to myself, “wow this is real, this is actually
happening, and this is my little girl that I had been carrying for nine months.” When I looked at her and she looked at me our eyes met, and she smiled, and I know doctors say oh they don’t smile when they are first born, but the nurse, my mom, and her dad saw her smile at me, my heart melted and tears came to my eyes, and I told her how much I loved her and how much she meant to me. Then they took her away from me, after cutting the umbilical cord, and taking everything out. The doctor went and stretched my uterus, and it made my ex green, I smiled and laughed. I was too happy to be grossed out.

My mom called everyone, all my major family members and they were all waiting for me outside my room, everyone gave me hugs and kisses, then everyone left so I could go downstairs and nap. Then I was able to be reunited with my little girl when I woke up again. She was even more beautiful with her all clean, and sleeping, she had 10 little toes and 10 little fingers, she had strawberry blonde hair, and was the most adorable baby,( besides my little sister) that I had ever seen. She was 7lbs exact. My little 7 11 baby, born 07/11/07, July 11, 2007.

Everything, from then on went so smoothly, she was an amazing little girl growing at a fast rate, learning, eating, she was even sleeping through the night at 3 months old, She could hold her head within the first 2 weeks, she loved toys, and baths, and she loved her great grandma, and little aunty Ashleigh, who was only a year older then she was. But most of all she loved food. She had to have baby pabulum by 2 months.

But all good things always come to an end, and I should have realized, that my happiness could not stay like this forever. Breaze was 10 and half months old, it was May 24th 2008, 11 days after my 17th birthday. She was able to walk 3 full steps by herself she was saying mommy, kitty, daddy, and was starting to say wiggle. She uses to call around the house following me saying mommy, mommy, and
mommy. She loved her mommy very much. Her father and I had put her to bed and went to a movie, we got back at around 12:30a.m, and she was still sleeping, I put down my purse took off my coat, turned around, and there was a Smiling, baby Breaze, giggling at her mommy jumping up and down in her play pen. She was so adorable, something to me didn’t feel right in the air though. I don’t know why it just didn’t. I took her out changed her bum, and cuddled her and sang to her, I felt like I needed too. Then her dad came in and told me I needed to put her to bed, but she just wouldn’t go to bed she kept crying and crying and crying, Her father wouldn’t let me get up to console her, but finally it all stopped, I went and checked on her and she was sleeping her little chest rising and falling, with one single tear in the corner of her eye. So I went back to lie down and fell to sleep.

At 6:15a.m Breaze woke up crying, like she usually did for her early morning bottle, I went and got it for her, and she went back to sleep. 10:45a.m rolled around, and I woke up with a start. It felt odd the room, and it felt like I had a huge weight on my chest, Breaze was not up peeking over the play pen, like she always did in the morning, She wasn’t sitting there giggling, nor was she sitting there saying mommy, Something was wrong it was 10:45a.m and she was not up, I shook her father, and told him something was wrong, Breaze wasn’t up yet, and he said everything is fine go back to sleep, and I told him no something is seriously wrong. So I got up and made my way to the play pen, and from then on out if felt like everything was happening oh so slowly. It was like a nightmare, I would never ever wake up from I touched her and she was chilly, and she just wouldn’t wake up I screamed and threw myself across the room, her dad got up, and called for his dad for an ambulance.

I just sat in the corner of the room looking screaming crying, I knew she was gone, before anyone ever told me, I knew my little girl was not there, and the nightmare, would just not go away, I didn’t feel her presence, at that time, I didn’t feel like I wanted to be there without her there. My life I knew would never be the same again ever. I felt that a piece of my soul had shattered and would never return again, just like my little angel. At that moment in time I knew the name Breaze suited her very well, because one minute a breeze was there, and then next they were gone.

Cassandra can be contacted at Dark_devil_2000@hotmail.com

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Comments

  1. Ruth says:

    I’m so very sorry. I have no words. I lost my son at three months old to heart defects this may and the pain is so fresh. No matter how long or short a time our children are here, the pain cannot be measured. Love and hugs to you.

    • Cassie says:

      I am very sorry to hearthat. It is a great burden to bear when loosing a child, and I learned that at to early of an age. But really it doesnt matter how old or young you are, when you lose a child the pain is all the same. Over time it gets easier to deal with, but really it will never go away. Loves and hugs to you as well.

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