Mom to Tovin Laurence

October 26th, 2009

Airdrie, Alberta


May 2009, I confirmed that I was pregnant.  I was so happy because I’ve been wanting to have another baby after waiting for 3yrs.  I had preeclampsia with my first son, born at 7months and only 2lbs 2oz.  I told my Doctor I want to see my ob-gyn for my very delicate pregnancy, she ignored my plea, she told me it’s too early to be referred to specialist, and then she left me waiting for a month and went to her vacation.

After that, I had my ultrasound, they told me right there that something was wrong, my baby was too small for his size. During this time my husband was busy with his mistress,  He also denied my baby, he said it is not his. I  went through all of these heart breaking ordeals on my own and only my 3yr old son to cry on…

They referred me right away to high risk pregnancy clinic.  They have confirmed everything and told me I need to have amniocentesis, that I could lose my baby right after the test, but they also told me that there was a big chance that my baby will not live.  With all these things going on, I was so alone and needed somebody to help me decide for it,

I called my husband to come. He came but he didn’t show any care…I had decided to take the test and my baby survived, they didn’t find any abnormality..I was so relieved, I decided to keep him and be hopeful for miracle… Instead of helping me with my ordeal with difficult pregnancy, my husband gave me more stress by showing me how rampantly busy he was with his mistress…every night I cry, my baby inside me makes me feel he was just there…he gives me a kick and everytime I cry he moves as if answering me when I talk to him…

I wanted to eat as much as I could to help him grow bigger inside me, but the stress I was getting from my husband was too much…I did my best still.  My friends looked after me more than the person who should be by my side…every other week I’ve got level 2 ultrasounds and blood test and see my doctor after those test. 

They said he was fighting, he was slowly growing inside me.  We decided that we will have him out once he reached 500grams so that we can help him more outside.

My husband tried to reconcile with me to help with my baby.  It was already October, my husband’s birthday was approaching… My angel’s weight was 375grams.  My doctor told me that my baby is seven months and if he will reach even 450grams, come November we will have him by c-section.  That was the best news I’ve ever heard in a long time.

A day before my husband’s birthday I felt so sick, I was worried…The next day I was hoping that I could persuade my husband to spend his birthday with me and our older son, but instead he wanted to go out in the bar with his friends.. That night I was getting more worried because I’m feeling more sick.  I called the Alberta health link and asked for medical advice telling them my situation, But the nurse I talked to thought it was just a simple sickness, she told me not to worry and just stay home even though I told her that I’ve got a high risk pregnancy.

The next day I was getting sicker…. Sunday,Oct.24,2009, I decided to go to the urgent care, they checked me and told me they can’t find my baby’s heart beat, they told me they are not expert when it comes to pregnancy ultrasound so they advised me to go to the hospital where my specialists are.

I got there, I told them I’m sick and they did isolate me right away due to the spread of H1N1.  They took samples for H1N1, then proceeded with ultrasound…they really can’t find my son’s heart beat…they contacted my high risk pregnancy doctors…they did the ultrasound again in the big machines.  They confirmed that my son was already gone for awhile. when? They don’t know…

They have given me a choice to have an induced delivery or c-section again. I chose to wait for him, so that I can still feel how to be a mother to my baby…

October 26,2009… I started with my labor… My son was coming… My older son and I named him Tovin Laurence.  It should start with T so that same letter with his big brother who was eager and lovingly waiting for him.  Laurence that came from my husband’s mom, whose name was Loretta.

My baby came out…He was so small, but a cute little fellow… He got a pointy nose that he got from his dad…He looks very similar to his big brother when he was born… Even though there was a huge discoloration on him, I can still see his lovely little face, as if asking for help… It did break my heart… They let me have him the whole night all to myself… I was holding his little hand and giving him kisses, I didn’t sleep all night because I knew the next day he would be gone forever…

I was asking myself what should I have done differently to have different ending?  Was I not a good mother that’s why God didn’t gave him to me? Or maybe the reason God didn’t give him to me was because he doesn’t want another soul to get hurt with how my husband treated me with his womanizing? I asked myself to that maybe if my husband accepted him with his whole heart, maybe God will give him to us…..

Then they told me that day too that I was positive with H1N1, but it was not the reason why I lost my son. It was a multiple blood clots in the placenta…

I was depressed for awhile, my husband thinks I’m just over reacting with the loss of my son, he even called me nuts because I am seeing a psychologist to help me deal with my loss… With all of this ordeal, I thought of taking my own life to be with my son… It was hard, very hard! I never thought that the day would come that I had to arrange a service for my son’s death… My husband never felt how much I felt for my baby…

January 2010… I caught my husband cheating again. Just imagine it was just few months after my baby’s death! I was so hurt… That became like a slow wake up call for me… I still tried to keep our family together, but my husband’s true colors were coming out…

I might have lost my son, but he opened my eyes to my husband’s abuse…The ordeal made me think of our situation and made me decide to be strong, even though sometimes I wanted to just go and run, but my other son still needs me…

Losing a baby is very hard….It is the worst nightmare that every woman could have…Husbands are not just a bystander, in order for us women to survive this ordeal we need to have a loving husband beside us… The love should support the family….with my experience, I often think that God chose for him to go early to save me and make me stronger… Until now my heart aches… I still miss my baby… I still wonder how he should have been… I even tell myself that even without husband, if God had given us a chance, I would take good care of Tovin.

We would be happy with his big brother…I would be his mom and dad and make sure I would give all the love in the world he deserved…


If only I could turn back time….

Shella can be contacted at

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  1. MARY JANE says:

    I am so sorry for your loss. One day you will meet Tovin again. You are a strong woman. God bless.

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