Courtney

Mom to Angel Baby

Lost at 5 weeks, 5 days on November 6th, 2010

and second Angel Baby

Lost at 5 weeks, 5 days on January 15th, 2011

My story starts in October when I found out (to my great surprise) that I was pregnant.  After the initial shock, I was ecstatic and rushed to tell my husband.  We’ve always wanted children, that we birth ourselves and those others birth for us…we are baby people you could say.  

We immediately told everyone in our families and close friends.  My husband couldn’t keep the excitement to himself and told a bunch of other random people as well.  I am the baby on my side but my husband is the oldest child and grandchild on both sides so this would be the first grandbaby as well as the first great-grandbaby.  Everyone was beside themselves with excitement.

At work on Monday I started to complain about lower back pain.  I thought it was normal, pregnancy is uncomfortable right?  I welcomed anything that would bring me my baby.  These aches and pains continued until Thursday.  I work at a church.  The back pain became so intense that I had to go lay down on a pew.  It was like back labor and lasted about 15 minutes or so.  I called my husband in tears because it hurt so bad.  He asked if I needed him to take me to the doctor but I assured him pain was part of the process.  Now other than the pain and everything after I called the doctor the pre-doctor time is a bit of a blur.

I know at some point I started spotting.  I know at some point I read in What to Expect When You’re Expecting that spotting occurs in 25% of all pregnancies…I also read that of those that have bleeding, HALF will go on to miscarry.  I  was scared to death.  Thursday night I have a full blown panic attack after researching my symptoms and realizing they are all in line with miscarrying.  First thing Friday morning, I call my doctor.  The nurse tells me to come in for a blood test and since I’m so early all they can do is take more blood on Monday to make sure my HCG levels are rising.  My husband takes me and I’m told to rest all weekend.  I ask if there is any medical reason for this and she said not really it’s just what else can you do?  Well, being the stubborn, hardcore Tiger fan that I am, I ask if I can go to the highly anticipated LSU vs. Bama game that weekend.  You see, I’m a season ticket holder and haven’t missed a home game in 8 seasons at this point.  (It’s a tribute of sorts to my grandfather that didn’t miss a game in 30 something years that I adored more than anyone.)

I go to the game, but I make sure I make it just in time to be able to walk to my seat and not move.  Everything went fine, and we won.  I was elated to be able to tell my future child that they were there when we beat bama.

Sunday morning we go to church and prepare to go to a young adults function after church.  We stop at a local fast food place to pick up food to bring to the park.  I go to the bathroom, all I did was pull my pants down, and pull them right back up, grab my husband and run fighting tears to the truck.  I was bleeding heavily and there were clots.  I call my mother and mother-in-law frantic.  They both assure me it could be okay.  But I knew.  It was confirmed for me that afternoon with a negative pregnancy test and again the next afternoon with the results of a blood test.

I was crushed.  I was every emotion I didn’t know existed and yet felt nothing at all at the same time.  I became a zombie of sorts.  Children mean everything to me.  I don’t call my 4 precious nieces and nephew and little brother (that is the same age as my oldest niece and 12 years younger than me) my sister’s kids, I call them my babies.  I don’t call and say how are your kids?  I call and ask how are my babies doing today?  I adore babies…and if I knew you as a baby, you will always be my baby to me.

I was told that “these things happen” and try again whenever you are ready.  We were ready to try after one cycle and we were elated to be pregnant again so quickly.  I was on cloud 9,000,000.  I couldn’t have been happier, literally.  All was right with the world again.  We told only a few family members and close friends this time.  They were sworn to secrecy.

And then the spotting came.  I was determined to not move.  From the time I saw the minute amount of blood I was frozen on the couch.  I called work and said I wouldn’t make it in.  from Wednesday-Saturday I barely moved.  I kept a lunch date on Friday and that was it.  I was also a basket case the entire time.  Saturday afternoon, my worst fears were confirmed with a substantial about of blood and clotting.  This time was different.  This time God allowed me to feel nothing.  I am convinced had I been able to feel, I would have exploded with grief and died of a broken heart on the spot.  It just couldn’t be, not again.  Not one other person in my ENTIRE extended family on both sides had EVER had a miscarriage, and I have 14 first cousins on one side alone!

I made an appointment after a week or two with my doctor to see about testing.  She was incredibly supportive and immediately suggested we test for a blood disorder.  Turns out I have MTHFR.  It’s supposed to be easily treated with a vitamin b complex and baby aspirin everyday you are pregnant.  I am still terrified.  I now know nothing is guaranteed and that even the worst is possible.

To top off my grief, I am now having fertility issues.  We have been trying to conceive again and have been unable to.  Every month is an emotional roller coaster.  Sometimes I just want to give up, but I can’t, I want him/her too badly.  I got on Zoloft in June and that was the best decision I made.  I wouldn’t do anything after I miscarried the second time.  It was horrible.  I was the living dead.  My husband was so wonderful and supportive.  He did the dishes and laundry without complaining.  He held me when I cried for no apparent reason, always understanding.  And he was just as heartbroken as I was.

I’m going to the doctor soon to see if there is any reason I have been trying for 9 months with no luck.  Prayers are appreciated!  I am so thankful to have found this site to be able to connect with wonderful mothers out there of the living and angels.

Courtney can be contacted at cwill73@gmail.com
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Comments

  1. I have also had 2 miscarriages this year, and underwent testing. I found out yesterday, that I also have MTHFR. They put me on Folgard and baby aspirin. I have not yet started trying again, but I am also very very scared.

    • Autumn,

      I’m so sorry for your losses. I need to look up Folgard because I’m on metanx and am curious about other drugs. Try when you are ready. I think we’ll always be terrified when we’re pregnant, but that doesn’t mean we can’t have a healthy baby.

      Blessings,

      Courtney

  2. Hi hun, I’m so very sorry for your losses *hugs*
    I have had 7 losses at 8wks and earlier myself, one from developmental abnormalities and the rest for unexplained reasons. I am so glad you have found a reason for it, I still do not know why I miscarry.
    I just wanted to give you some hope, I lost 4 before having my son (almost 3) and another 2 while we were trying to get pregnant with our daughter (took us 11 months and she is 6.5 months old now), and we lost another one just 3 months after our daughter was born.
    I pray that you get to have your take home rainbow baby like I did, it can happen and I know it will happen for you, whether you need some other kind of medication to do it or you can have a natural miracle.
    I will be thinking of you xxx

    • Jenna,

      Thanks so much! I can’t imagine losing that many babies. I think it might emotionally kill me to have experienced such loss over and over again. I am so glad you have a healthy baby now! Have you been tested for a blood abnormality like MTHFR? They’re incredibly common.

      Blessings,

      Courtney

  3. I know its been a while and hope that things have turned around for you . However if they haven’t….keep trying. I wasn’t diagnosed with MTHFR until after my son was born. Prior to him I had four losses , and a very healthy daughter. My daughter was a great pregnancy , she came out a turkey. My son on the other hand after those two loses has a short femur, missing kidney, enlarged heart… with other birth defects. this was attributed to my genetic disorder. I was given deplin on a regular basis, they said my son was only going to be 5 lbs…he was 7lb 12oz. Despite what my son and I went through he is as active as any little toddler with no serious complications to his health. He stubborn :) but over all a great kid. My sisters had the benefit of being checked after they to have suffered some loss. They were given additional medications similar to Deplin. I now have a nephew from the one sister, and THREE from the other, in fact she was pregnant 4 weeks after the delivery of my niece. ( She had 3 losses prior ) I know it must be hard, but keep your head up. Being aware of your genes is the first step to getting yourself where you need to be comfortable, and you don’t want to stress yourself out. It only makes it worse. Time will tell, but you are in my thoughts. :)

    • Hi Megan,

      I was able to get pregnant a 4th time and now have a beautiful baby girl thanks to Lovenox. She was born December 14, 2012. Thanks for the encouraging words! I’m so thankful for my sweet rainbow.

      Courtney

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