Mom to Samuel
Born Sleeping April 13th, 2010
and Natalee Rose
Born Too Early on June 11th, 2011
My story starts very typically and ends with such tragedy. I met the man I knew I would spend my life with and be a good dad to my son, we decided to start a family of our own. Right before Christmas 2009 we found out we were pregnant, I had a normal pregnancy with my son but he was born premature at 32 weeks. I can’t explain why but I had a feeling that things were very different this time. I hardly ever felt the baby move even after 16-17 weeks; I kind of blew it off because it was hard for me to remember 5 years ago what it was like. Plus I had an anterior placenta which the doctor told me would block a lot of his movement.
Our 21 week checkup was April 12, 2010 a day that I will never forget for the rest of my life. We waited forever to see the doctor they had gotten backed up and we were the last appt. After what seemed like forever we were finally called back, the doctor did all the measurements and every thing looked good. We got the part where she was going to measure my cervix and do the ultrasound. She stuck the wand on my belly and we immediately saw baby, but I knew from the picture something wasn’t right. She moved the wand every which way but I still never heard a heartbeat, the harder I looked I realized I didn’t even see the little flicker of a heart on the screen. I was too terrified to even ask her if she saw it. Then she said the most devastating words any parent could hear “I’m sorry but there is no heartbeat.” She called another doctor in to look and he had the same conclusion.
I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t speak, and all I could do is stare at them while they asked question after question. I felt like someone sucked all the air out of my body, I was devastated. They left the room and all I could do was cry everything that I had waited for was gone in an instant. We went home and had to tell everyone what happened, my son was so upset he just cried it was so hard to explain something to a six year old that I myself didn’t understand. That night I laid in bed and begged my baby to move, to prove to me that he was still alive, but he never did. He was gone. I talked to him all night until it was time to go to the hospital.
The next day we went to the hospital to start the induction process; it was the longest day of my life. Samual was born at 7:30 pm April 13, 2010. He was perfect in every way, except he never cried or opened his eyes. I held him for a while and memorized every part of him.
The next part of my story should have had such a happy ending. In October 2010 we were given the ok to try again after finding out that I had a gene mutation that caused MTHFR. The doctor decided the best course of action would be a prenatal vitamin, extra folic acid, and a baby aspirin everyday.
In February we found out we were pregnant again, we were so thrilled. Now it sounds strange to most but I kept this pregnancy a secret for 16 weeks, until I was showing so much that there was no way we could hid it any longer. The fear of losing this baby and disappointing everyone again was just too much.
This pregnancy was wonderful I was hardly ever sick, we found out it was a baby girl this time, and after 16 weeks I felt her all the time, I felt great! We made it past that dreaded 20 week mark, and I actually started to shop for her. We were starting to anticipate her arrival.
At 23 weeks on a Thursday I noticed a little spotting when I peed, it didn’t really worry me a whole lot but I decided to stay home from work and call the doctor to be on the safe side. They got me in right away and I set off to have things checked thinking worse case scenario they are going to want to cut back the hours that I work or even take me off work till the baby got here.
I checked in with the nurse and sat down to wait, they called me back and had me put on a gown so she could do a quick exam. She came in asked a couple of questions and set to down to work.
When she got in there I quickly knew something was wrong it really hurt and it didn’t normally hurt like that when they checked me. She immediately started apologizing and asked me if I had been having any sort of cramping or contractions. She said that I had dilated 3 cm and the bag of water was right there at the opening, there was no way to safely put in a cerclage without risking rupture. She said that we had some decisions to make and sent me over to the hospital to immediately be put on bed rest.
I made my phone calls, you know those horrible phone calls to family, and got settled into a bed. I convinced myself that I could make everything ok if I just laid there. After Todd got there, and the doctor explained things to him, reality kind of set in for both of us. We were still hopeful but in the back of my mind I knew we weren’t going to make it to 24 weeks.
24 weeks is the crucial marker, at 24 they can shoot you up with steroids and give the baby a fighting chance, before that though you are looking at serious problems with the baby and most hospitals will do nothing before that point.
Thursday night was pretty uneventful; I slept all night and worried all day till company started coming to visit. Friday evening is when things started to go downhill. I started having some more bleeding and when the nurse hooked me up to the monitor it showed I was having small contractions. The doctor told us that the medicine that stops contractions only works well when your uterus is a certain size and unfortunately for us we weren’t quite far enough for it to be an option. All they could do was give me some fluids to see if that would stop them. About a half hour later things settled down and looked ok again I convinced Todd that things would be fine to go home and get some sleep.
Early that morning I woke up to pee and I was bleeding again, again the contractions came back and this time were harder to get under control. My cousin was there to visit me, she is a Nicu nurse at the hospital and she refused to leave us. Having her there was a godsend. She sat us down and explained everything with the baby and explained that even if she was older than 22 weeks, the problems that she could have. She laid everything down on the table for us. We knew exactly what we were going to be in for. The contractions got more intense and closer together and I knew my body had given up on her.
It was so hard feeling her in there knowing that I was basically killing her, throwing her out into a world she wasn’t ready for. Sometime around noon she came into this world alive. She was so perfect and beautiful and it was so hard to watch her die in my arms. She was such a fighter she didn’t want to give up; she stayed with us for an hour and a half. Finally I told her that it was time for her to go she got to meet us and we got to shower her with love. She passed a few minutes later. I will never regret the time that I had with her, but it hurts so bad. It kills me to know that she wanted to be here she was so healthy, she fought to be here and I let her down.
I don’t know how I move on from here, to lose one was awful, two is indescribable. I am tired of planting trees for my babies I am tired of bringing my babies home in boxes.
Desiree blogs at http://itsouttamyhands.blogspot.com/
She can be contacted at firstname.lastname@example.org