Melissa

“Monkey”

Positive Pregnancy Test July 17th, 2010

Miscarriage Confirmed July 28th, 2010

Temple, Texas

This month marks the 3 year anniversary of when my husband and I started “trying” to conceive. It didn’t always feel like trying because by March of 09 I began charting and shortly after I identified a problem–I wasn’t ovulating. After some time, a visit to a few doctors, I discovered that I had hyperprolactinemia and after a 6 month hold-out from my doctor, finally he agreed to remove the medication that was causing it. I ovulated 2 weeks later! Then in July 2010, on my mother’s birthday and week before mine, I got a positive pregnancy test. It was light, but I was testing quite early. The digital confirmed it. I was so excited I was hyperventilating at first. Then I sent a picture to my husband. The due date was about 2-3 days before his birthday. We had nicknamed our little one “monkey” because it was all the rage in baby items at the time.

We were going to keep it to ourselves until I could get the beta level, at least until we flew to Texas to visit family on my birthday weekend. But, I told one of my family members, so my husband had to tell one of his and that snowballed into both of our family’s knowing. For about 3 days it was like I was walking on air. I felt at that time I was not only preparing to give birth to a child, but to dreams, hopes and possibilities. I felt like I’d gotten a golden ticket to a magical world.

I went to my doctor and got news that the beta was low. Scary, but I knew the doubling time was what was important. Second and third beta rose slowly, not quite doubling. I felt a shadow cast in my happy bubble. I kept praying but had talked to several women to know that the chances were not great. I flew to Texas, praying it would improve. It was quite strange, it seemed that as soon as we settled in the airport, my pregnancy symptoms started to lift. Almost like turning off a switch. I still had some fatigue, things tasted very different, but it was like the intensity had dropped to almost nothing.

I returned home and got a third beta. I was at work when my doctor called with the news and was sobbing in the conference room. It had dropped back down to the second beta’s level. I was fortunate that I only had to tell a few people personally about the miscarriage, and I suppose it being so early, many people were not aware of it yet. I think I have my mom to thank for a lot of that, because I was spared any congratulatory emails from relatives who had not yet heard. 

I think the most heartbreaking part of an early miscarriage–what doctors call a chemical pregnancy–is that it is often not validated by others. Even my husband at times thought my grief was excessive–that “it” was never a person, and I should not be so sad. I realize that I only had this pregnancy for a little over a week, but when I lost it, I lost those hopes, dreams and wishes for bringing joy to my family, seeing my husband play with his child, being able to watch this tiny person grow and develop and helping him or her along the way. It felt like I had my golden ticket snatched away; the gates were locked and I could only look and observe others who had been granted access. It took some time, but I reached a place of healing. I will always remember my angel in heaven, and hope that one day my husband and I will be blessed with a child to nurture and love. 

 Melissa blogs at www.motherhoodwanted.blogspot.com

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