Monica

Mom to angel baby Emily Rose

Early Miscarriage, August 17th, 2011

Syracuse, New York

I am Monica.  I’m 28 and had been on the pill for about 12-ish years.  I recently married Kevin, the love of my life, on May 28 and I stopped taking the pill as soon as we came back from our honeymoon.  We had talked about having children for a long time and were anxious to start our family.  I was really surprised (that it happened so fast) and super excited to see what I thought was a positive pregnancy test on 8/10/11… I was so nervous that I bought a digital test on 8/11/11… “PREGNANT”… there was no questioning that… and I was thrilled!  My husband was so excited!

We decided to wait a few weeks before making a big announcement to our friends, but could barely contain our joy.  We had to tell somebody.  We thought it would be cute to send onesies to our parents with a card that said “guess what”.  It never crossed our minds, even for a second, just how very fragile pregnancy can be.   We sent the packages out on Friday.  They arrived on Tuesday.

On Tuesday afternoon, I noticed some light brown spotting and thought (don’t know why) I would take another test. It came back negative.  I was speechless.  I was so scared and praying that it was wrong, so I took 3 more… all negative.  I felt like someone had kicked the ground right out from underneath me.  I didn’t know what to do.  By all the tickers and such (that I had just created the day before, go figure), I was about 5 weeks along.  I was just so confused, but in the bottom of my heart, I knew it was over.  Kevin and I both were heartbroken.

Wednesday morning, I started to bleed very heavily and I called my OB.  My first appointment (and first ultrasound… when we were hoping to hear the first heartbeat) wasn’t scheduled until September 12… but when I told them I was bleeding, they got me right in.  They did a transvaginal ultrasound and confirmed that there was nothing there.  She said that I most likely had a “chemical” pregnancy or an early miscarriage.  I just went numb.  Everything happened so fast.  From “Yay!” to “Oh my God” in a matter of days.  My head is still spinning.
I was only about 5 weeks along.  I had only known I was pregnant for a few days.  But from the moment I read the test I fell in love.  I daydreamed about names, a nursery, browsed at maternity clothes… I couldn’t wait to be a mother.  It’s amazing how quickly your world can change… and then in the blink of an eye, change again.

We plan to take some time off to heal, and then try again… but for now all I am able to think about is my little angel baby.

 Monica blogs at http://mrandmrsboles.weebly.com/wife-life-blog.html

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Comments

  1. Melissa says:

    Sorry for your loss. I understand completely how you feel. I did the same thing and gave our parents onesies announcing our pregnancy. Only to a few weeks later be telling them we lost the baby. I was 8 wks,but was measuring 6 and a half. We had been trying for a few years,and never thought we would get pregnant. I live in Rome,NY. Been looking for support groups in the area,but no luck. Keep your head up and best wishes on your rainbow baby journey.

    • Monica Boles says:

      Thank you, Melissa! I’m sorry for your loss, also. I haven’t heard of any support groups in this area, but I do post on The Bump “Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss” boards quite often. The girls on that board have been a wonderful source of comfort and support. Thank you so much for your kind words. Thoughts & prayers to you!

  2. Larisa says:

    Losing a pregnancy at any stage is devastating. I’m so sorry for your loss. You chose a beautiful name for your daughter. I also live in Syracuse, NY and suffered a pregnancy loss back in February. It was my first pregnancy as well and I think about it every day. This was the month I got pregnant last year, so it’s a little tough. I have found that support groups do help because pregnancy loss is such a taboo subject in our society. It’s like we have to grieve behind closed doors sometimes. I made a website in honor of my son Aiden (ww.aidenslight.org) and I hope it will help provide some support for women who don’t have anything available in their area. I really had to dig to find support groups here in Syracuse, but they do exist. There is a monthly meeting at Hope for the Bereaved (http://www.hopeforbereaved.com/index.php?page=grief-support-groups) on the third Wednesday. There are some really amazing people that you meet and you can choose to talk or you can just listen. My husband said he would go with me this month. I was a part of a pregnancy support group through Crouse Hospital (http://www.upstate.edu/cmatch/bereavement.php), but you have to call and sign up for it. They will only meet when enough people have signed up. They are the same people who put the garden together for all the babies who have been lost. They are having a “Walk to Remember” on October 2nd in the Willow Bay Pavilion at Onondaga Parkway. Let me know if you’re interested and I will let you know more about it. I think I’ll be trying to get some of the other women from my support group together to walk it with. We’d love it if you walked with us. I’m wishing you tons of love and support as you grieve the loss of your sweet baby.

    A kindred spirit,
    Larisa

  3. Monica says:

    Larisa,

    Thank you so much for responding! It’s really great to know that there are support groups in the area. I am certainly interested in doing the walk with you… what a beautiful way to remember our angel babies. Please email me with any info you have at mrandmrsboles@yahoo.com

    Thanks again! Thoughts and prayers to you!

  4. Hayley says:

    I’m Sorry for your Loss.

    I lost my first pregnancy at 5w3d(and the next 2 were lost before the 5w mark), even though it may be early it can still break your heart. You begin to plan and dream and fall in love. I would rub my belly and say “please be healthy and strong”. I was devastated each time I began to loose the pregnancy. I was once even told ‘wow, you were incredibly invested for a 5w3d pregnancy’

    The best advice I received was not to try and cheer up, get over it or move on. It is not just a bad event, It’s a loss, and Loss’s need to be grieved in order to heal. It took a lot of tears and frustration and talking with my husband to feel like I was was begining to heal from our first loss.

    Wishing you steady healing and a healthy baby in the near future.

    • Monica says:

      Thank you for sharing your story with me, Hayley. I am so sorry for your losses. “Incredibly invested” is an understatement for a woman who is longing to be a mother and I am so sorry that someone would say something like that as if it was abnormal… so hurtful.

      Thank you for your kind words. I wish you luck!

  5. Allison says:

    I am so sorry for your loss and wanted to thank you for sharing your story. Your loss really resonated with me.

    On Monday, 9/19/2011 I woke up with a feeling that I might be pregnant, I just knew something was going on inside me. So I decided to take a test. Sure enough; POSITIVE! I immediately told my husband who was still in bed. We held each other tight and smiled with pure joy and excitement of what’s to come as first time parents.
    On Tuesday, 9/20/2011 I called my OBGYN to schedule our first ultra sound appointment; the nurse told me were about 4 weeks along so that I should come in around 10/18/2011.
    On Saturday, 9/24/2011 I began to bleed heavily. My joy immediately turned to concern. On Monday, 9/26/2011 I went to see my OBGYN and they ran blood tests and did an ultrasound. Tuesday it was determined that I had a miscarriage (chemical pregnancy).

    I am feeling sad, confused, concerned, scared, but yet hopeful for the future. Reading your story eased some of my sadness as I felt less alone.
    God Bless!
    Allison

  6. Monica says:

    Allison, I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing your story with me. This truly is the strangest thing I have ever been through. It is confusing, say, scary… and yet at the same time, because it was so early many others just don’t seem to understand.

    I hope you are able to find comfort and peace. You are definitely not alone in this.

  7. Octavia says:

    Monica,
    I am so sorry for your loss.
    I lost my son to SIDS in March and so I have a bit of understanding for what you’re going through.
    There are not really a lot of support groups in the area, which is sad, but on October 16th (which is perinatal loss and infant loss awareness day) there will be a memorial service for all babies lost and a garden dedication in Ithaca, NY if you’re interested.
    My thoughts are with you,
    Octavia

    • monica says:

      Thank you, Octavia! That sounds so beautiful! I would really love to attend, but I will be at clinical (almost finished with nursing school) on the 16th. I will certainly spend a quiet moment on that day (as I do every day) to remember my little one and pray for all of our angel babies.

      Thank you for thinking of me.

  8. Tracy says:

    Thank you so much for sharing your story. I am SO sorry for the loss of your precious Emily Rose.

    I’ve lost two babies early on to miscarriage, that I know of. (sometimes I wonder if there could be more that I don’t now about.) Micah Drew and Casey Ezra-Jordan are the ones that I know of for sure. With Micah (my first baby) I knew I was pregnant for about two weeks and then started spottling with brownish blood. I was scared, and went in for an ultrasound. The lady that did the ultra sound said that Micah looked to be about 7-8 weeks gestation, and he or she was very active during the ultrasound. So, I felt put at ease..my baby was still alive, and seemed to be a go getter all ready :) I so wish that I’d asked the midwife for an ultrasound picture of my baby to keep that day, as that was the last day I saw my sweetheart alive. Three days later I woke up to bright red blood, went back in, terrified, and found that my love had passed away. I kept holding onto hope that maybe they could be wrong, so opted not to have a D & C, but a few days later I miscarried at home on my bed..it was sooooooo physically painful and so emotionally heartbreaking. My husband couldn’t handle it so I was alone for most of it (although I know God was with me, but it didn’t feel like it, to be honest).

    With my fifth baby, I took an early detection pregnancy test as soon as I thought it could show. It did! I was so excited to be pregnant – it happened so fast after we started trying! My little darling came and went very quickly though, as I started bleeding just a few days after my period would have been due. I went to the ER, and their pregnancy test came up negative. The doctor said I must have conceived and then the baby must have passed really soon after conception. I named this darling Casey – a combination of my husband’s and my names (Tracy and Cary.) Like you, I too fell in love the moment I saw a positive pregnancy test.

    God has allowed me to keep three beautiful children that came in between Micah and Casey, and they are such a blessing. I do think of my babies in heaven every day though – I think I always will. I cannot wait to reunite with them one blessed day.

    • monica says:

      Thank you so much for sharing your story, Tracy. I am so sorry for your losses. It truly is amazing to me how quickly one can fall in love and that, even with healthy happy children in between, the sting of a loss never truly heals.

      I wish you continued healing

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