Mom to Kylie Ann Shaffer
Grew Her Wings June 3rd, 2011 at 19 weeks
When I entered the hospital on June 2, 2011, I knew that our 19 week old daughter was no longer living. I knew that I had to enter the labor and delivery unit to deliver my baby and take nothing home.
It was a regularly scheduled appointment, I had no reason to think my daughter was not thriving as nature intended in my growing belly. When a heartbeat was not found, my doctor didn’t seem immediately concerned, I thought maybe she was hiding. We went to ultrasound, I saw my baby’s head right away and it was perfectly still. I knew right away that she was no longer with us, I sobbed, my husband sat confused wondering why I was so upset. The doctor took more time to examine her with the ultrasound and then said, “I am so sorry.” Finally my husband realized why I had been hysterical. We left the office in a mad dash out the doors. I went to my car and screamed, cried, and called my mom.
I entered the hospital the next morning, I was in a complete stage of shock, this wasn’t really happening to me. I labored for 16 very long hours, and then she slipped out….with just a turn to roll over to my side, she was there. The umbilical cord was wrapped very tightly two times around her left leg. A freak accident my doctor called it, 1 in 10,000 chance of this happening. Of course I was the 1 in 10,000. My husband and I held her in our arms, I wish it would have been longer now. My doctor sat with us on my bed and shared in my grief holding no emotions back. “This little girl has a purpose”, she said, “we don’t know what it is now but there is a reason she is here.” It was 3am now, two sleepless nights, an empty belly where my daughter was, chaplins visiting one after the other. With two folders, a box with a baby blanket that never even touched our daughter, two hospital bracelets and “inspirational quotes” on my lap, I was wheeled out of the hospital to my vehicle. No car seat in the back, no baby in my arms, no warm happy feelings. Just a box, anger and a silent car ride home.
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