Mom to Lainey Grace
Stillborn on October 29th 2010
Mom to Evelyn Juliet
Stillborn August 11th, 2011
The Birthstory of Eveyln Juliet
I have been wanting to write this for a long time. But as I’m sure some of you may know, writing the birth story of an Angel can be quite the task. So many things you want to say and express. So much you want people to feel and understand. All needing to be wrapped into a pretty box of words tied with love. I’ll do my best to make this birth story worthy of an angel.
Evelyn Juliet was to be my rainbow baby. You see we lost a little girl this past October at 23wks. My sweet Lainey Grace. Three months after loosing Lainey I discovered I was pregnant. Oh the joy and instant fear I felt. Regardless I praised God while sitting on that bathroom floor, staring at those two pink lines with tears streaming down my face. God answered my prayers. He gave me the chance to start over, the chance to be a mommy again. Weeks went by and everyday I worried. I prayed God would let me keep my baby, let me bring my miracle home. As I passed my 23wk mark I breathed a sigh of relief. I thought “This is really going to happen!”. I started getting excited. Ordered a Girasol Amitola wrap for my rainbow baby. A rainbow wrap for my rainbow baby. What is more perfect than that?? I began looking at cloth diapers and even ordered my first newborn fitted! It was finally starting to set in. Soon I would be co sleeping with my baby, waking up every few hours to breastfeed, make baby food in a few month. My excitement was whelling up inside me. My life was to be joyous and complete!
My joy came crashing down ever so quickly I’m afraid. I’m not sure when my angel stopped moving. I’m guessing Monday morning 08.08.11. I knew something was wrong but denial can be such a strong emotion. Tuesday morning I told DH we needed to head to my midwife. It was like deja vu all over again. The driving to my midwife, waiting in the waiting room, the quite search for a heartbeat and then the dreaded ultrasound. “I’m sorry Chelsea but it looks like we aren’t seeing anything”. My world burst into flames right at that moment. No, this can’t be. I cant do this again, I just can’t! But it was happening and I couldn’t stop it.
We headed home to find a babysitter and pack our bags. At that point there were no tears. Just pure numbness. After a few hours we were headed to the hospital. When we got there they hooked me up to the monitor to see my contractions. I was already having a few mild one off and on. They inserted some cervadil and I was given sleeping medication to ease my troubled mind. Now to sleep and wait. The next morning I woke up and the cervadil was removed. All was the same. No dialating, no intense contractions. So they started me on cytotec. A dose every 6hrs.Hours went by. Contractions slowly started to pick up but I was still fairly comfortable. Friends and family began calling but my heart couldnt bare conversations. I did have a wonderful friend come visit me. She was such a blessing. She brought me a huge bag of organic produce, two outfits for the baby (we were team green and didnt know what we were having) three different size cloth diapers, a hand print box/frame, my newborn diaper I had ordered, and more. She also contacted a friend of hers to come be our photographer. Oh Mary Anne. What can I say about her that haven’t already said. She was beyond amazing. Mary Anne practially acted as my doula, making sure my request were fulfilled by the nurses and taking care of my needs. She was also very much like a mother. She read scripture to me, laughed with me and also brought me a beautiful bathing suit top and angel wings necklace. I could feel God’s spirit in that room with us. He held my husband and I as we wept and kept us close to his heart. Without him I wouldn’t of had the strength to go threw it all. My pastor came and prayed with us as well. He gave DH the shirt off his back (literally) since DH had been wearing the same clothes for 2 days straight.
The nurses contiued to give me cytotec. At around the 4th dose they decided to up my dose by giving it to me every 4hrs as opposed to every 6hr. My midwife also broke my water in hopes of getting a kick start with labor. After my water was broke they brought in the birthing tub and began to fill it up. By then my contractions were becoming rather painful. I waddled over to the tub and got in. It felt oh so nice. I was filled with joy and sadness all at once. Finally I was able to have my beautiful waterbirth but sadly not under the circumstances I had imagined. After 3 contractions my angel was born at 3:05 pm 08.11.11. The nurses immediatly wanted to know the gender of the baby. I said “A boy….oh wait, no, a girl! A GIRL!! Evelyn Juliet” At that place and time I bursted into tears. Why God? Why take another princess from me? Don’t I get to be a mommy to a little girl on earth? Don’t I get to dress her in pink dresses with bows and ribbons in her hair? Why is this happening? I stared at her for hours. She was breathtaking. Beautiful beyond words. We gave her a bath and I put her small yellow preimee happy heiney diaper on. I then wrapped her onto my chest and closed my eyes. I began praying for God to help me, to give me strength during this time as I was so broken and weak. DH wanted to hold her so I took her off and dressed her in the cutest outfit. He held her for hours, staring at her, kissing her, telling her he loved her. We prayed over her and told her we loved her so much and I made sure to give her at least 3 kisses before she left my arms. I wish I would have given her more. We said goodbye and they took her away. After that we began packing and getting ready for the journey home. Every day since then has been a struggle for me. All I can do now is lift my sorrow and pain to God and have faith he will heal all wounds. I know my sweet Evie loves is in heaven with her sister, playing and being surrounded by love. I miss her look forward to the day I can hold her again.
Chelsea blogs at http://tearsinpreciousbottles.
You can contact her at firstname.lastname@example.org