Mom to a little one

Early Miscarriage, 2011

Land O Lakes, Florida

My name is Rachel and my husband, Joshua, and I have been married since March 2009. I am 27 and my husband is 30; he wanted to start having a family right away, stating that he was “getting old” This from a man who runs circles around my 4 year old nephew. I was finally ready to begin trying in October 2010. My cycles were infrequent and far between, so my doctor started me on Clomid to make me ovulate after a few months of no success.

We became pregnant after the third round. I found out at work after one of my coworkers convinced me to take a test. I was very reluctant to take a pregnancy test at all since every result I had ever seen in the past were big fat negatives. I didn’t want to be disappointed again. After I took the test and saw a positive result, I went right out to a local store and bought a cute baby outfit and a card so I could surprise my husband later that night. He walked in and noticed the onesie hanging from the chandelier but just brushed it off as a gift for a friend who is pregnant. He didn’t realize it was for him until he saw the positive pregnancy test I tied to it with a ribbon.

We were ecstatic! I could not believe we were going to be parents! We both talked nonstop about room décor, saving money, daycare, etc. We were so excited to go to our first appointment and hopefully see our little one’s heartbeat. They had me come in at seven weeks to make sure everything was okay since I had been on Clomid. The doctor did an ultrasound, and I only measured 5 weeks 2 days. I stated that I ovulated about a week later than I should have, so they contributed that to why the baby was smaller than expected. They wanted me to come back in two weeks again to make sure everything was okay and the baby was still growing properly. I honestly did not think anything would be wrong and just contributed the size to a late ovulation.

So two weeks later, we went in again and the baby only measured 6 weeks 1 day with a low heartbeat. The doctors reassured me that this does not mean that I will miscarry, but they also said that it doesn’t mean I will not. They just said we will have to wait and see. The doctor scheduled another appointment for me a week later. That is when it all sunk it. I had a gut feeling that something was not right. After that appointment, I was not feeling any more morning sickness, I was not as tired and my breasts did not hurt as much. I just knew something was not right. I spent the rest of the week in tears.

This was confirmed at my next appointment a week later – the baby measure 6 weeks and 3 days with no heartbeat. I broke down right in the office and scheduled a D&C for later that day. The procedure I thought went well, and I felt physically fine the next few days. Then I was bleeding heavily and extreme pain about four days after the D&C. I called the doctors in the middle of the night, and he wanted me to come in first thing in the morning. I went in for another appointment, and they did an ultrasound and stated that they had not “gotten everything” and they had to do another D&C. If going through that once wasn’t enough, I guess twice was the charm for me.

It has been about two months since this event changed our lives, and I still feel very sad and heartbroken from the loss of our child. I felt like I finally had a purpose in life, to be a wonderful mother to this little being, and it was just ripped away from me. I think every day of what life would have been like if I was still pregnant; finding out the sex, the labor, holding him/her in our arms. I then realize that this is just not the time for us, but it will hopefully happen in the future.

The one bright spot in my life was my husband. He was amazing throughout this whole process. He intercepted phone calls when I didn’t want to talk to family and friends and held my hand and cried with me when I was upset. I couldn’t have picked a better father for our children.

Tonight we will be sending a wish lantern into the sky to remember our little one and to wish for future children to bless our lives.

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