Veronica

Mom to Willow

June 21st, 2011

Sparks, Nevada

My name is Veronica and I’m 23 years old. I live in Sparks, Nevada and attending school to become a medical assistant. I was nowhere near ready to have a baby. My boyfriend had been teasing me that I was pregnant and I thought it was finally getting in my head. My appetite changed and I was having minor cramps and nausea. My period wasn’t due yet, but to ease my mind I decided to take a pregnancy test. I was expecting it to come back negative. I was very shocked and surprised when I saw two pink lines. I was unsure what to do. I always wanted a baby, but I wasn’t ready and I didn’t know how my boyfriend or my family was going to take it. The next day I told my boyfriend and my mom. They were both surprised like I was. Once the shock wore off, we were all excited and as the days passed I got more and more excited. I started looking at baby stuff and started a registry. I just couldn’t wait to start buying things.  I was also looking forward to getting an ultrasound and seeing my baby for the first time and hearing a heartbeat.

I was 11 weeks when I started spotting. I spoke to a friend of mine who recently had a baby and she said that it was normal and she also bled a little. I also looked online and everything I came across said it was normal, but if the bleeding got heavier or I was cramping to go to the doctor. I wasn’t cramping and the bleeding was very minimal so I wasn’t worried. Two days passed and I woke up around 3 in the morning with painful cramping. I went to the bathroom and my heart stopped. I was bleeding a lot and I knew that meant a miscarriage. I woke up my mom and we went to ER. I tried to put on a brave face, but I was terrified. After an exam the doctor said that I could just have a threatened miscarriage and all I would need is rest. I was hoping with all my heart that was all I needed. I then had an ultrasound and my heart broke when the nurse said that she didn’t see a baby. I broke into tears. I was looking forward to my first ultrasound, but I never imagined it would be because of a miscarriage. I spent 12 hours in the hospital and the only thing I thought about was that I would never get to see my baby. I won’t get to hold my child. Everything I was looking forward to came crashing down around me. I regret that I didn’t go to the doctor when I first started spotting. I don’t know if there would be anything that could have been done, but that will forever haunt me.

I blamed myself for what happened. I thought maybe I wasn’t eating enough. Maybe if I did this or I shouldn’t have done that. People told me it wasn’t my fault, but I still felt guilty. I’m suppose to take care of my baby. A mother is supposed to protect their child, but I couldn’t do that. It also didn’t help my guilt when someone said I should haven eaten more and another said it was for the best. I know people were trying to comfort me, but that’s not something I wanted to hear. It took awhile for the guilt to go away and even now I still feel guilty at times.

My due date would have been around January 8, 2012. I miscarried a week before my first doctor appointment. Calling to cancel that was very hard and as soon as I hung up I started crying. It was hard to say the words “I miscarried” and I didn’t want to say it any more than I had to. I lost my baby June 21, 2011.  Even though I did not know whether I was having a boy or a girl, my cousin suggested I name the baby anyway and I did just that. I already had a list going of boy and girl names and I tried to find one that was a unisex name. One named stood out to me and I felt I should choose this name. It may sound weird, but I felt drawn to it. I named my child Willow.

You can contact Veronica at veronica-pearl@hotmail.com

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