Mom to Nolan Michael

December 19, 2009 – February 08,2010

It was April of 2009. And I just knew it. I KNEW that I was pregnant. HOWEVER, I just got a new job and we just moved into a house. Talk about bad timing, right? Anyway, I decided to confirm it in the bathroom at work on a Monday morning for whatever reason…
Shocked that it was really, real and thrilled, I called my husband while he was at work to tell him the news. We were going to have our 2nd child. The next nine months went without a hitch. We were going to be the parents of another healthy little boy.
My biggest concern was not being in the hospital on Christmas…
Nolan Michael came into this world on December 19th 2009 (his due date!) at 7:37 am. He was 7lbs 10oz and 19 inches long. He had blonde hair and was a complete bundle of perfection and health. Not to mention joy.

Unfortunately Nolan’s time with us was cut far too short. In early February he came down with RSV. I called the nurse one day because he was coughing, congested and his cries had become weak. The nurse said it sounded like he had a cold and not to worry. However, when he woke up for his 1:30 am feeding unable to eat because he was so congested, I was alarmed and took him to Kaiser ER. He also started to wheeze. After spending 5 hours in the ER we were transferred to another Kaiser that had a “state of the art” pediatric unit. We stayed in the hospital for 3 days and then we were discharged. When we got home Nolan started showing signs that he was getting better and I was so relieved! Unfortunately my relief would only be short-lived. He passed away just 4 days after we brought him home.

I will never understand why Nolan showed signs of the RSV getting better when it was really moving deeper into his lungs. I will never understand why most babies who get RSV get better and why it took my baby’s life.

On February 7th we had a Super Bowl party where we rooted on the Saints. Nolan’s daddy is from Louisiana… Our home was filled with family, friends and their children. Everyone was in love with our new little man of the house. I was one proud momma. Sadly, it would be the first and last time a lot of people would meet our sweet baby boy.

We woke up the next morning to every parent’s worst nightmare. Our baby was unresponsive. We called 911 and he was rushed to the hospital where they worked on him, they tried to get his little heart going again but it was too late. Our sweet baby was gone. Hearing those words jolted my husband and me from a world of perfect to a world of hell in a matter of moments. There is no preparing for something like that. Our hearts and souls were crushed and an empty hole will always remain.

Nolan was instantly loved by all those who were around him. He grunted his way into the hearts of many. His big brother Jacob adored him. He was my little fuss bucket. He was a great burper and an excellent pee’er. He would grin in his sleep. He would “watch” cartoons with Jacob in the mornings. He was my little love. My little blondie. My sweet blue-eyed baby.

My sweet Nolan, I will love you forever. I will always hold you in my heart and you are in my thoughts everyday. Thank you for blessing us with your presence for those short 7 weeks. They will never be forgotten. May you rest in peace my sweet baby. You will be missed always.
We now have our rainbow, Ava. She was born on January 20th, 2011. Exactly 1 year, 1 month and 1 day after her brother, Nolan. She has brought so much joy to our lives and has helped us heal in ways we didn’t think possible.

Audra blogs at


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  1. ((hugs)) I can’t imagine waking up to that. Such a powerful story. I’m not ready for my rainbow baby yet…but maybe one day…

  2. Many many prayers to you. <3

  3. Lots of ((hugs)) for you and all the other Angel and Rainbow Mommas. <3

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