Cass

Mom to Our Bub

Miscarried on July 13th, 2011

Queensland, Australia

My husband and I got married in early October 2008. We always spoke about children, but it wasn’t until New Years Eve in 2010 we decided that 2011 was going to our year to create our own little family. So I went off the pill in early January 2011. After going off the pill I had been on for around 10 years, my cycles were all over the place. I then got reading books and reading about charting my temperature as well as using ovulation kits to work out when I was ovulating and when my period was about to arrive.

After months of not ovulating at all and having very long cycles, I finally ovulated for the first time in May 2011.  My husband was sick with a cold at the time and I thought that we had missed our chance, but on May 31st, 2011 I took a pregnancy test, and it showed up with a faint positive line. I didn’t really know what to think! I was excited, but I was a bit shocked at the same time.

When my husband got home that night after work, we sat down, and I told him that I think he is going to be a daddy and showed him the test. We were both so excited but decided to wait till Friday (3 days later), and I would take another test to see if it comes up stronger. Those were the longest 3 days of my life. Finally Friday came round, and I took the test as soon as I woke up. It was a very strong positive, and I just smiled inside and showed Hubby.

 I made an appointment to get my blood work done, which came back positive as well. And then I had to wait about 2 weeks to get our first ultrasound because I would have only been 5 weeks when we first found out.

It was very hard waiting those 2 weeks and I found myself feeling like this was so surreal. I remember I would test everyday to just see that positive line again. I couldn’t believe it we were going to have a baby!!

The day came where we were going to see our baby for the first time (at this point I was 7 weeks exactly). We decided to go to another clinic for the scan because I work in an Imaging Department; I didn’t want my work to find out just yet that I was pregnant, so I didn’t want to have it there. I was very nervous when the sonographer called me in.

After a few seconds of him scanning me I could see a little flicker of a heart beat. Everything looked good on the scan, and our bub had a heart rate of 143bpm. He let us hear the heart beat, and it was that moment Hubby and I really felt like this was real. Straight after the ultrasound we went to a lovely breakfast together then drove down to do a tour of the birth suites at the Private Hospital where we both agreed on having our bub. It was exactly what I thought it would be… Perfect!

I also booked in to see the Obs, as I had heard great things about him and I wanted to make sure that we didn’t miss out on having him as our doctor to deliver our baby which was due on 11th of February 2012. I wasn’t booked to see him until closer to 12 weeks though, so I had a far few more weeks till I could actually meet him. 

Morning sickness started to kick in, and boy was that hard to go to work and hold it together so no one would know we were pregnant! I had lots of nausea and was extremely tired.

I was at work one day, and I was dying to see our bub so I decided to tell one of the sonographers at work and asked if they would be happy to have a look for me. They were more than happy and were going to keep it confidential from the rest of my work colleagues. I was so glad to see Bub again and the heart rate had risen to 165bpm. I was now 8 weeks. The next day Hubby and I were so excited that we printed a little photo of the 8 week scan and put it in a little frame with a poem that went like this “To Love, cuddle and adore, that is what a new grandchild is for.” 

We went to visit my hubby’s parents who live in the same state as us, and we are both very close to them. We arrived and said we had a little gift for them. They were over the moon when they opened it and saw the little picture with the poem. Hubby’s mum started crying with joy, followed by my tears of excitement.  We were all very excited, and the next second I know we had told all our family and only a few close friends.

 July 13th 2011 – (9 weeks 5 days)

My morning sickness had completely stopped for about 4-5 days and I was a little concerned about this, but a few people had said to me that it can be normal. I wasn’t so sure; I had no bleeding or pain at all, but I had a strange feeling something wasn’t right. So when I got to work, I pulled the sonographer aside and said, “Could we have a look at Bub?” I had this sense that something just wasn’t right, so I wanted to make sure it was.

I filled my bladder as quick as I could, and she scanned me.  My whole world came down at that scan; my bub’s heart had stopped beating. I couldn’t believe what she was telling me! My baby looked so much bigger and the dates were correct, how could it not be there??! We then went on to do an internal ultrasound to have a closer look. No, there was still nothing.

The sonographer then left me in the room, so I could call Hubby while she went and spoke to the doctor. I tried to hold it together while calling Hubby, but as soon as I heard his voice I broke down. The next thing I know I’m leaving work, without trying to tell anyone except my boss. 

And then I went straight up to my Obs’ rooms.  Our doctor at work had called him with my results. I didn’t want to meet him like this; I was supposed to meet him at around 12 weeks with my baby alive and growing well.

My hubby was stuck at work and was trying to leave so my mother in-law came with me to see my doctor until Hubby could arrive.

My Obs was amazing – truly compassionate, kind and such a wonderful person. I knew I had picked the right person, but he was suppose to deliver my baby not see me in tears!! He put his arm around me and showed such kindness and support towards me. He spoke to me for awhile, explained things, and asked if I had any questions., Then I went down to day surgery to wait there until he could fit me in on his list for a D&C. Time dragged on and the tears just followed – my heart was broken. I was confused even after the doctor explained that “this can just happen, for no reason at all.” But why? Why did it have to happen to me?

 As the nurses finally took me in to have my D&C, Hubby followed by my bed the whole way until he couldn’t go any further.  He cried with him all the way down the hall.

This was the worse day off my life. I will never forget this day and I remember it so clearly. The pain and heartache I felt was really horrible! I really felt like someone had ripped my heart out, and I haven’t cried so much in my life. Everyone was very supportive, and my husband was especially supportive.  I received lots of lovely flowers at my door and also lots of text messages from the few close friends that knew. 

Everyone kept saying that each day gets easier, and at the time, I wouldn’t have agreed at all, but it is true. I do still have days where I have a breakdown and cry, but I believe I am stronger then I use to be. I’m not sure why this has happened to me, and I am going to see my doctor next week for my 5 week follow- up and Pathology results.  I do believe it happened for a reason and for some strange reason it wasn’t meant to be this time. There is not a second that goes by without me thinking about the baby that should be still in my belly growing healthy, but I am taking each day as it comes. I hope that one day I will get my baby bump back with a healthy and strong baby.

You can read Cass’s blog at http://tryingtoconceiveour1st.blogspot.com/

To contact her through e-mail, write to oneday@live.com

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Comments

  1. Hansi says:

    I am so sorry, Cass. Your story sounds similar to mine. I lost a baby this August at nearly 12 weeks, though she was only measured in at 9 weeks. Oh the heartache of not seeing that little living flicker on the ultrasound screen. I’ll be keeping you in my thoughts and sending good vibes your way.

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