Alyssa Vargas

Mom to

Baby girl Abi

born at 17 weeks November 23, 2010

Baby boy Abel

born at 20 weeks July 25, 2011

Modesto ,California

 

My life as a mother started in 2007 when I was only 19 years old, blessed with a healthy little girl my daughter Aliana was born October 6, 2007. Aliana is now 3 years old and has had to say goodbye to a brother and a sister within a period of 8 months.

Never in my life did I think that I was going to go through what many other women have gone through, loosing there babies. When I found out that I was pregnant in August 2010 I was scared, so scared I didn’t want to tell my mom even though I am married and live in my own house but even through my fears I knew deep down I was ready for another baby.

When I had my first ultrasound and seen my little baby for the first time it was love at first sight, immediately after I could not wait to be able to hold my baby. My daughter was so happy and excited to know that she was going to be a big sister, she then began to say that in mommy’s tummy was her baby sister. Weeks went by and even though I was nauseous and sick every day I could not wait to find out what I was having so I made an appt. to have a 3D ultrasound done on November 22, 2010, I was already 17 weeks.

Together with my husband and daughter we found out that we were going to have a baby girl, she looked so little and precious I couldn’t be more happy. We went home to share the news with my parents that night and show them the couple of pictures that we got from the ultrasound they couldn’t be more excited to know they were going to have another granddaughter.

After dinner that same very night we were getting ready to leave my parents to go home when all of a sudden I felt a flush of water come out as if I had peed myself. Not knowing what to do I went to the bathroom and sat on the toilet. After getting off the phone with my doctor my husband and I left for the hospital. The drive to the hospital felt like a lifetime and by the time we arrived to the ER I had already gone through my underwear pad and sweats.

They immediately took me back and did a swab test to check if it was amniotic fluid and sure enough it was. I felt my heart sink in as I got the news, I couldn’t believe that, that was happening to me. All I could think about that night was of the strong heart beat and beautiful pictures of my baby girl that I had just a few hours earlier got to see and hear. Early the next morning my doctor came in with the ultrasound guy and told me that the baby no longer had any more fluid around her and that there was no way to keep her alive and that sooner or later I would go into labor. How could this happen was it something I did or didn’t do I couldn’t accept it how could life be so unfair. I chose to be induced a little after I got the news from my doctor, it was the hardest thing to go through.

After a couple hours of pain and contractions it was time to push, my baby girl Abi was born an angel. I held her for only a couple of hours and was then rushed to the OR for an emergency D&C since I could not push out the placenta. I remember as I woke up from the anesthesia all I wanted was for them to bring me my baby. The pain that i felt was unimaginable and wouldn’t wish it on anyone not even my worst enemy. Going home on Thanksgiving morning was the worst I didn’t know how I was going to be able to move forward from this, the moment I seen my daughters face that had all changed. I knew that I had to be strong and be there for her, she was my strength.

A few weeks went by and I felt happy the horrible experience made me a stronger and more loving person, I learned and grew as a woman but especially as a mother. A few months went by and I built up enough courage to try one more time, it wasn’t an easy decision but I felt that I needed to try again.

April 1, 2011 was the day I found out I was pregnant when I told my husband he did not believe me because it was April fools but when I told him it was serious he then got quiet. Like him I was very quiet about it as well. The courage that I had built up to try again for another baby suddenly vanished and I was a nervous wreck. Everyday I felt that sensation of fluid coming out even though there was nothing, I felt like if I was going to loose my mind.

Dr.s appointments were every 2 weeks for the first couple of months and I had ultrasounds at every appointment just to give me a piece of mind that everything was okay. As the weeks went by and as I was getting closer to my 17th week I was scared, I felt that if I could get past 17 weeks then I was safe. When I had my appt at 17 weeks we found out that we were having a boy and that he was strong and healthy, my world lite up just a little bit more! I had made it, everything was going to be okay! I then started picking out colors to paint the nursery the bedding and theme I wanted and even bought a couple of outfits for my baby boy. I was so happy for those couple of weeks even though I started feeling more tired and started feeling a little bit of pressure and a shocking pain in my lower abdomen.

I didn’t want to seem paranoid and crazy when I started feeling these symptoms so I went along with everyone else when they would tell me it was normal and it was my growing uterus and not to worry. How wrong I was to not listen to my body and not take the advise of the few people that told me to call my Dr or go in to get checked. The morning of my Drs appt which was July 20, 2011 I woke up and went to the bathroom only to find a little bit of bloody show it wasn’t a lot so I decided to get ready for my appt and see what my Dr. had to say.

My Dr brought in the ultrasound machine and took a look before he examined me. Right away I could tell that there was something wrong not only by the look on his face but just by looking at the screen. What the ultrasound showed was that I was dilated at 1.1 cm and my membranes were bulging through my cervix. I didn’t know how to react how could this be happening again. My Dr. called for an ambulance to take me to the Labor and Delivery Department were they put me in the very same room where I had my first miscarriage, I couldn’t be in there I asked for a different room. Things were all to familiar and I was beginning to give up even though this time there was some hope.

I was admitted into the hospital and put on strict bed rest, so strict I had to use a bed pan to go to the bathroom. Hoping the bed rest would make the membranes go back up out of my cervix my Dr wanted to try and do a cerclage but after a day there was no change so we had to wait. I had made it to 20 weeks that weekend so I had a little bit more faith and hope that I could last a couple more weeks but it was a day to day situation. After already being in the hospital for 5 days the morning of July 25, 2011 I woke up with the urge to pee so I woke my husband up to get me the bed pan, before he could give me the pan I started to feel it come out, I knew that feeling and I knew it wasn’t good. I called my nurse and she came with a swab test, once again even before they could give me the results I felt my heart sink in.

My Dr came in with the ultrasound guy once again and told me that my membranes had ruptured and that once again there was nothing that they could do to save my baby. I remember saying to my husband why is this happening to me why am I being punished like this? I’m a good mother to Aliana I told him. When the nurse started my IV and began the pitocin she began to explain to me that when the baby was born there’s a possibility that he could cry and that it was my choice to either keep him with me or let the nurses have him. I thought to myself right after how can we just let him die why cant we do anything for him, knowing that his lungs weren’t developed and that he was just way to little to survive. A few hours passed and it was time, pushing this time was a lot more harder than with my daughter Abi, but after a couple of more pushes my son Abel was born. He weighed 11 oz and was 9inches long. I couldn’t believe I was holding my precious little boy who was fighting to stay alive, how I wish there was something we could do.

His little heart beated for 4 hours before he passed and I was so thankful to have been able to have him in my arms for that little bit of time. My Dr. diagnosed me with having an incompetent cervix and told me that for future pregnancy’s we would be more prepared. I never knew how many women suffer from things like this until now and I feel they’re pain. I have hope that one day I will be a mother again and Ill be able to have my baby come home with me but if not I know that I have two little Angels in Heaven waiting for me to be able to hold them and love them forever.

You can contact Alyssa at alyssavargas88@yahoo

 

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Comments

  1. Diana says:

    God bless you, you have two precious angels looking down on you.

  2. Jolene says:

    I am so sorry for your losses. I, too, have an incompetent cervix and have delivered two full-term, healthy boys with the help of a cervical cerclage. My prayers go out to you.

  3. jessica says:

    I’m so sorry for your loss. I lost my son Liam at 18 weeks to IC and also had that pressure and shocking pain which I was told was normal. Nope. I’m pregnant again and will be getting a cerclage. The silver lining (if u can call it that) is that they can prevent this if you decide to have another baby. Good luck & God bless.

  4. Vicky says:

    you story sounds similar to mine, I lost my waters at 22 weeks, and although I decided to try and hold on to my son for a bit longer, he came at 26 weeks and he only lived for 17 days. I hope you can have a healthy pregnancy with a cerclage next time. Good luck.

    • Anand says:

      Naming was hard. To us, I wanted to (of cousre) give my son a Japanese name but it had to be something easy for my husband to pronounce. So that was the hardest part. I picked several names and did a name onomancy, then finally we agreed on one name, which was “Yuichi”. Meaning “gentle one”. I want my son to grow with gentle heart. Also my son has my maiden name. He is the only boy in my family, so I wanted him to carry it (it’s kind of a big deal to carry a family name in Japan, especially for boys). First name was easy. It just popped in my head. I combine all names together and did a name onomancy again, and I got a good result. Here is my son’s name. Julius Yuichi Hoshina Jordan. Long, huh? Lol

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