Nikkee

Mom to Baby Girl Vincent

February 3,2010

Salt Lake City, UT

My name is Nikkee.  I am 31 years old.  My husband and I were over the moon when we found out we were pregnant in October of 2009.  I have 2 sons from a previous marriage and my husband has no children of his own, so we were overjoyed to be expecting our first little baby together.

Everything with my pregnancy seemed to be going along just fine.  I had experienced a little bit of morning sickness and exhaustion throughout the day, but nothing to complain about.  We went to our first doctors appointment when I was 10 weeks along and we were so excited when we heard our little baby’s heart beat.  It was so fast, and so strong.  Hearing that heart beat just made it that much more real for us, that there really was a tiny angel growing inside of me.  We told our due date was July 4, 2010.  An Independence-Day baby!!  After that appointment we had another check up 4 weeks later, and everything was fine! Our baby was growing and as far as we knew, healthy.

Around the end of January 2010, I started to notice that my stomach seemed to be getting smaller.  I thought maybe it was just my imagination so I never said anything.  We were at a family get together when my mom told me that my stomach looked like it had shrunk since the last time I had seen her.  Hearing that of course I started to panic.  I just had a gut feeling that something could possibly be wrong with my baby.

On February 1, 2010, at 18 weeks along, my husband and I went in for our 3rd regular monthly check-up.  I was nervous going into this appointment because of the feeling I had that my stomach was shrinking.  My doctor came in and I told him my concern.  He laid me back on the table so that he could listen to the baby.  He was having an unusually hard time finding the heart beat this time, and my husband and I were just looking at each other with terrified faces.  The doctor said that sometimes the baby can get into a position where it is hard to find the heart beat, so he decided to bring in an ultrasound machine to take a look.  As the doctor put the cold jelly on my belly, I was so excited when our little baby appeared on that screen.  Our excitement was quickly depleted when I saw the look on my doctors face.  There was no longer a heart beat and no movement from our baby.  He also said that there wasn’t much amniotic fluid around the baby.  It is the worst, most heart-wrenching feeling that can only be understood by someone who has been there.  The doctor left the room so that my husband and I could be alone and we just held each other and cried.  It made this whole experience even worse knowing that in the next 2 days we would have been going to the hospital to have an ultrasound to find out the sex of our baby.  My doctor sent us to the hospital to get another ultrasound just to be sure and see if they could see any reason for what had happened.

The ultrasound tech told us our baby was only measuring 14 weeks and 3 days, so it had probably happened about 3 weeks earlier.  I have never felt so much sadness in my entire life.  Why was this happening to us?  I was given the choice to either be induced and deliver our baby, or to be put out and have a D&E.  My husband and I decided that I would rather be put out.  I don’t think I could have gone through the delivery and then leave the hospital with no baby. I was not strong enough for that.  So on February 3, 2010, the day we would have found out if we were having a boy or a girl, I went into the hospital for the D&E.  I could not stop crying the whole time I was being taken in for surgery.  I remember waking up in recovery and feeling so alone and empty.  Just a few days earlier I had this life inside of me and now I was just empty.  The days that followed were full of sadness and sorrow.  Everywhere we went there were pregnant women or women with newborns.  It has been so hard to accept that we never got to meet our little angel.

About a week later we got back the testing they had done on the baby and the placenta and on myself.  The doctor said that everything had come back normal.  There was nothing wrong with the baby and they didn’t find any chromosomal abnormalities.  They were able to tell us that our baby was a girl.  That was hard to swallow because since having 2 boys I was dying to have a little pink around the house.  Since our loss my husband and I have been trying to get pregnant, and each month I am frustrated and crushed when I start my period.  How could it have happened so fast the first time, and now a year and a half later, we haven’t been able to get pregnant again. It’s been a rough road over the last year and a half, and I don’t know why this is the path God has chosen for us.  We want to have a baby of our own so bad, and our boys want a little sister to dote on.  I know that one day our dream will come true, and I will greet that day with open arms.  We will never forget our little girl and we think about her every day!  We never got to name our angel because we didn’t find out the sex until a week after my surgery, but I have always said that if I ever have a little girl, her name would be Capri.  We will meet our Capri one day!

You can contact Nikkee at pixie00stix@gmail.com

 

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...

Show Your Support

*

© 2011 Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope | PO Box 26131 | Minneapolis, MN 55426 | Contact Us