Margot

Mom to identical twin boys, 17 weeks along

June 2nd, 2011

Charlotte, NC

I prayed it wouldn’t happen to us.


When we found out we were expecting, my husband and I cried tears of elation. We thanked God for this blessing and vowed not to take one minute of our pregnancy for granted. Very early on, we discovered we were carrying identical twins. Our hearts grew two sizes larger each day, and we began to excitedly plan our future with our family of four. We were completely over the moon. I relished every moment of pregnancy, and was delighted with any symptom that came my way.

A worrier by nature, I worried for my babies every single day. I prayed 24/7 for healthy children, a healthy pregnancy, and for our babies to take everything they needed from me, and that they would never have to compete with one another. I prayed for my body support their growth and I prayed for them to grow inside of me for as close to term as He would allow.

Once we entered the second trimester, my worries eased just a smidge. I felt so happy to be in the second trimester, and what I thought was “the safe zone”. At our twelve week ultrasound, the doctor told us that he had no concerns and that he thought we were in for a very uneventful, anti-climatic pregnancy.

The day our world fell apart was the day we went in to find out the gender of our twins. My husband and I picked out our outfits for our special day and planned out exactly the way we wanted to find out. We were going to go to the appointment and have the doctor write down the gender on our sonogram pictures and put it in an envelope. Then, we’d wait to go home and open up the envelope over a glass of sparkling cider and we’d video tape our reaction to our special news. We had it all figured out. Little did we know what was in store for us.

I was usually a nervous wreck going to appointments, though this time I was mostly excited. I settled back onto the table and I heard the words that will forever haunt me. “I’m so sorry, there is a problem. I can’t find a heartbeat in either of your babies.” World turns black. Heart collapses. Shattered. Blank.

It has been two months, and it is still so painful, so raw, to recall the vivid details of that fateful day. They are forever embedded into my mind and my heart. The days following are a blur. In complete shock of losing our twins, we could not imagine why this was happening. My mind ran through every moment of our pregnancy. Was it something I did? What did I miss? My body was supposed to let me know if there was a problem. My body didn’t let me know! Am I being punished? If one more person tells me it’s for the best, I might flip. WHY?

I could not have survived the days following our loss without the unwavering support of my husband, family, friends and even strangers, who reached out and shared their personal story of loss. It became abundantly and alarmingly clear how many others had also experienced the devastating loss of a child. I found it surprisingly comforting to connect with others and know that I was not alone in my pain.

We have so many questions. After a few weeks, we received news that the chromosomes tested were normal, and that our babies were (are) boys. I feel like I lost them all over again on that day. Any progress I had made in my grief came crumbling. Then, the fear set in. If they were normal, then why did this have to happen? Did my body jeopardize this pregnancy? What will this mean for future pregnancies? Will we ever have the large family we’ve dreamed of?

After many, many tests, everything with me came back normal. Nothing about this was normal! So, here we are. Our babies are not with us, they are in heaven, and we don’t know why. I suppose we will never understand why this happened, but I have to accept that. I have to make peace with the fact that we did everything in our power to keep our little ones with us, and have done everything in our power to be proactive for the future.

Going through this has reminded me that we are not in control here. No matter how much we would like, we cannot steer the ship or determine the path. We can only have faith that our lives will not be filled with despair. We can only hope that we will have our happy ending. We can only pray that this experience will be a very important chapter of lives, but not the end of the story.

Margot blogs at www.findyourspark.blogspot.com

You can contact her at Margotk.guy@gmail.com

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Comments

  1. Oh, im so, so very sorry to hear about your twin boys. I lost my son at 38 weeks, June 3rd 2011. Horriable, horriable day… I know we don’t understand now, why God needed them so bad, but he did. We will always have our angel babies looking over us. If you ever need to talk, feel free to email me. It’s alwas nice getting support. *hugs*

  2. I’m so sorry for your loss. I have twin girls one of them is an angel. As a mother of an angel twin I can relate on some level. I’m always here for a talk if you need. I’m am two years out and still have bad days so please email me if you need to talk. Your family is in my prayers. Hugs

  3. Margot,

    I’m so sorry for your loss. We lost our identical twin boys last month. No heartbeats at 14 weeks, waited for a natural miscarriage. Praying for you.

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