Amanda

Mom to Emma Nevaeh

Stillborn December 31st, 2008

& Peanut, Miscarried at 13 weeks, June 2009

Wysox, PA

Its hard to know where to begin…When I got pregnant with my first daughter it was a total surprise & everything went smooth & easy. She was born in 2007 at 8lbs 11oz & so beautiful. In 2008 my husband & I started to try again for our 2nd child, I had an abnormal pap that year (i had precancer cells on my cervix) so we decided to see a doctor for that pregnancy instead of a midwife like our 1st.

I was told at the beginning by a LPN that because of my precancer cells we had 2 options, either have an abortion & take care of the cells or go on with the pregnancy & take the chance that after the baby was born needing to have a full hysterectomy if it turned into cancer. I started to cry right there, why did the options sound so extreme? I could not abort this baby we so badly wanted, if I needed a hysterectomy after than thats what would happen. I wanted my baby so badly! So we continued with the pregnancy like normal & it was so much like my first….until we hit 18 weeks. We went for our nomal baby appointment & got the results to my bloodwork I had done 2 weeks before. The bloodwork came back abnormal. My doctor did not tell me what came back abnormal on it, but told us not to worry because she felt in her gut that our baby did not have Downs (thats what the bloodwork was checking for, any abnormalities in chromosomes)  because sometimes you can get a false positive. I felt really good with this doctor so I believed her, but we still set up an appointment with a perinatologist. Our appointment was scheduled for December 22nd.

As the end of Decemeber was approaching my husband got an offer at work to move to 1st shift (instead of 3rd like he was on at the time). We wanted so bad for him to be off 3rd so he said yes, but the first day on 1st was the 22nd. Since we were trusting our doctor & didn’t think anything was wrong we decided he would go to work & my mother & mother in law would go with me to my appointment.  I was very excited for my appointment because I was getting a 3D ultrasound while there & was going to be able to find out what we were having because I was 21 weeks along. As expected, we went in, the ultrasound started & everything went just as all my other ultrasounds had. The nurse took all the baby’s measurements & tried to find out the gender for me(baby wouldn’t show). Then she said “Now I want to show you something.” She showed us where my baby’s stomach was & explained that she thought my baby had a diaphragmatic hernia, she was going to get the doctor to have him take a look. When the doctor came in he started to take a look at my baby from head to toe. He got the baby to open the legs enough to see it was a baby girl, my Emma. Then just like the nurse he went back to her chest/abdomen area. He explained that her stomach was up in her chest where her heart was suppose to be & her heart was moved over. I started to cry, what did all this mean?! Thats when he started telling us all this different information, that because of this her lungs were not going to form right, she would need to be delivered in a hospital that had special equipment to help her breathe, she would need surgery right after to fix it, that this was a sign of Trisomy 18 which is what I tested abnormally high for. I lost it, how could this be happening to me, to us, to my baby?! They did an amnio & said they would try to get us the results before Christmas but not sure if they would be able to, we might have to wait until the next Monday.

We did not get our results before Christmas, so that Monday I went to my aunt’s house to wait for the call from the doctor while my husband went to work. When I finally got the call the nurse asked if I wanted the doctor to give me the results & I knew right then that it wasn’t good. The doctor came on the phone & told me what I already knew, my baby girl had Trisomy 18 & wanted to know if we wanted to continue with the pregnancy or end it. I told him we did not want to continue with the pregnancy, he told me that we needed to come up the following morning to start labor & delivery. I called my dad at home & told him the results and he told me to have my aunt bring me & my daughter to his house. On the way there my mom called on her lunch break to see if I had heard anything yet & I told her, she said she was on her way home. Once I was at my parents I called my husband’s work & asked them to please have him call me it was a family emergancy. He called & came home to be with me. The following morning  me, my husband, my mom & dad and my mother in law went to the hospital to deliver our baby girl that was not ready. After being at the hospital 18 hours, my beautiful angel Emma Nevaeh was born on December 31st at 2:11am. She was 12 1/2 ounces and 9 1/2 inches long. She was beautiful, she looked so much like her big sister :) She had my little nose & her daddy’s big feet. My sweet baby was at peace and I was falling apart. We all took turns holding her & talking & loving her. I didn’t want to let her go. 3 days later we had her funeral where she was buried with my great grandmother. * I know some of you or even most of you might not agree with our decision to have her early, but the way I look/looked at it was, either have her early & have her in the hands of God before she even came out or wait and have her full term & have to listen to her suffer because she can’t breathe right. Trisomy 18 is very bad, 10% live to be a month old and less than 5% live to be a year old. And on top of that she had her diaphragmatic hernia that would cause her lungs not to form right, and because of her having Trisomy 18 we were told no one would do the surgery she would need to be able to breathe. I didn’t want my baby girl to suffer. It was a VERY VERY hard decision to make. Please don’t judge me. :/  *  I love my baby girl & think of her every day.

Four months after gaining our special angel we found out we were pregnant again with my “Peanut”. We were so scared that we did not tell a lot of people at first. After our first doctor appointment we found out my due date was December 27th. I felt like maybe it was meant to be because the due date for Peanut was so close to Emma’s birthday. Things were going good at the beginning just like before, but I was still too scared for my little Peanut, wondering if it too would have Trisomy 18. Because of Emma having Trisomy 18 I am now “high risk” for having another baby with it. And with that I am able to get a certain test done earlier to check for it. At 13 weeks I went back to the perinatologist for a Chorionic villus sampling(CVS) test. My husband went with me this time, we first had a meeting with the doctor telling us the pros & cons of this test and we still decided to have it done. We went into the other room and got set up for the ultrasound. When he turned on the ultrasound and placed it on my belly the first thing he said was “I’m not seeing any heartbeat or movement”. I had a missed miscarriage. They took measurements of my baby Peanut and said he/she stopped growing a week and a half before. My body never registered the miscarriage. 2 days later I went and had a D&C done. How? Why? Those questions kept running through my mind. God now has 2 of my babies with him, looking over me & my family. I cant wait to see my angels again some day.

Since the loss of Emma & Peanut, I now have a beautiful 2 month old son and I thank God everyday for letting me “keep” him & my 1st daughter here with me. I kept the faith & hope for another and it happened right when I was getting ready to give up.

You can contact Amanda at mandyjo_red@yahoo.com

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Comments

  1. Cathryn says:

    Dear Amanda,
    I am so sorry that you are worrying about people judging you. Our decisions for our children are deeply personal. You have enough to deal with than to worry about such things. Your Emma was loved and you know it in your heart. I think you are an excellent, loving, thoughtful mother. Be at peace.
    Cathy

  2. Sally says:

    I am so sorry for your losses Amanda. My husband and I also had to make the horrible decision to end our pregnancy early. Our thought and well wishes are with you and your family.

  3. Jennifer says:

    Amanda, Im very sorry for your losses. I too made the difficult decision (especially since her dad wasnt around) to end my pregnancy with my first baby girl at 23 weeks due to a severe anomoly. It was very very difficult decision but in the end I felt the same way. I didnt want her to suffer. Hugs.

  4. Roxanne says:

    I just wanted to say I completely understand your loss with your second, I had a missed miscarriage too, and I still don’t understand the how or whys of it. I’m so sorry you have had to go through that, and am sending positive thoughts your way.

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