Roxanne Dudley

Mom to Baby Dudley

March 29, 2011

Tacoma, WA

My husband and I always wanted to be parents and just before our 3 year anniversary we made the decision to officially begin trying to conceive. We found out December 21st 2010 that we were pregnant! We were completely overjoyed, and proceeded to tell everyone we knew.

About a week later, I was at work and noticed I had started to spot. A 6 hour ER trip later, they diagnosed me as possible miscarriage. I remember driving home almost unable to see through the tears, crying out to God, asking Him to help, save my baby, let everything be ok. The next day I had an appointment as a referral from the ER, and got a blood draw to check my hormone levels. Soon after returning home, I started to cramp severely, like someone was trying to wring my middle in half. A quick internet search confirmed to me that I was having a miscarriage. I lost my first baby on December 31st 2010, at 5 weeks. While my husband and I were overjoyed, it didn’t seem to affect us nearly as hard as we imagined. We figured it happened quickly this time, we have other chances, everything will work out.

On February 15th, 2011, I tested positive again, and although again overjoyed, we were also a little apprehensive about this pregnancy, scared something else would happen. At our first ultrasound and confirm appointment, we learned that we were indeed expecting another baby, this time already at 6 weeks 3 days. My joy was boundless that day, we did it! We were really going to have a baby! My next appointment was scheduled for at 11 weeks, when we would hear the heartbeat. My pregnancy went as expected, I was a little sick but not overly so, and I read every pregnancy book ever written, finding such joy and happiness reading about how my baby was developing every week. I did notice my morning sickness started to wane at 10 weeks, and I in generally felt better.

On March 28th, I went in for another appointment and I figured they would do the heartbeat and maybe run a few tests. I thought they were going to do a fetal heart tones but ended up with an ultrasound. My nurse ended up not being able to find the heartbeat, and was getting confused if she could even find my uterus or not, she couldn’t tell if it was my uterus or my bladder. The nurse spent like 15 minutes with a puzzled look on her face, and then said she couldn’t really see, and she would go get the Dr to try and see if he could get a better picture.

Short wait later, and he came in. Round two of ultrasound. At this point I’m a little nervous about everything. He asked me what pregnancy this was for me, which is 2. He asked if I already had a child, and I said I had a miscarriage. He asked what week I was supposed to be, which is 11, and told him that I got a positive pregnancy with ultrasound at 6 1/2 weeks on February 22nd. He then asked if I had a D/C with my miscarriage, and I explained that the ultrasound tech said that everything happened naturally and I didn’t need one. He said he was concerned, and that I needed to schedule another ultrasound with the actual good tech named Sally tomorrow morning. He said I may have to go on hormones, and something about infertility doctors, but we’ll wait until tomorrow and see what the ultrasound tech Sally says tomorrow.

March 29th came and so did our appointment to try to find my baby’s heartbeat. The ultrasound tech told me she would try the over the belly ultrasound first and if need be, they have another test to do. I swear five seconds after she started she had the picture up, nice and clear. My tech said that the baby only made it developmentally to 8 weeks, and there was no heartbeat.

A D&C was scheduled for the following week, and if I wasn’t already in a fragile emotional state, I almost needed a transfusion because I lost too much blood, and my baby was really 10 weeks gestation. I still had all the pregnancy symptoms throughout my loss and D&C, and apparently this is called a missed miscarriage.

I still do not have answers as to why I lost my baby and if I’ll ever be able to have a baby. I don’t know why, but I love my angel babies more than anything and eargerly await the day I will meet them. But through some intense grief, the help of The Compassionate Friends support group, and the never ending support of my family and friends, I am healing, and optimistic about the future.

Roxanne blogs at http://roxannespregnancy.blogspot.com/

You can contact her at rockerdudesrule@hotmail.com

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Comments

  1. Vanessa says:

    I can relate to your story. I had a miscarriage in january 09. They did a d and c that miscarriage because I was 5 weeks and had a missed miscarriage. I had gone to the drs in December got put on the patch took a pregnancy test randomly and it was positive. Then in February 09 I found out I was pregnant again. Luckily it was a full term pregnancy and I have a beautiful daughter. She was born October 30,2009. After having her I went on the depo so we didnt have another baby too early. When she turned 1 we started trying again. A friend was trying with my and she got pregnant. Then my fiances brother got his gf pregnant and then two months ago my sister told me she was pregnant. We had been trying for 10mos and finally I got a positive 2 weeks after my sister. I was soo excited went to the drs they confirmed it. I was scheduled for my first appointment on sept 8th. I had a different feeling from the other two pregnancies a gut feeling that something was wrong. Then on august 22nd I started to bleed. I knew instantly I was miscarrying and was soo scared. My daughter was already hoping for a sister and was in love. Even though I was only 6 weeks along she was excited. I also was excited it had been 10mos of trying after all. I am sad Im not pregnant and also not so positive Ill get pregnant again even though everyone tells me I will. Even if I do I fear Ill have yet another miscarriage. I am finding peace in the thought that the baby must not have been a sister for my daughter and that god doesnt want to make her mad by giving her a brother. I truly feel for you and know how hard multiple miscarriages are. If you ever want to talk feel free to email me. Sometimes a complete stranger is easier to talk to then family and friends especially friends who have never had a miscarriage.

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