Mom to little bean

July 5th, 2011

Sierra Madre, CA

I found out that I was pregnant on June 11th. I couldn’t believe my eyes when I saw those two little pink lines appear on the hpt I had taken. I took 7 more tests just to make sure and they were all positive. When it finally sunk it I just burst into tears of joy… I was pregnant! There is nothing more that I wanted in the world than to be a mom. I was actually supposed to start fertility treatments at the end of the month.

After trying for a year and having only one partial ovary, (I had previously had a couple surgeries to remove ovarian dermoid cysts) I was terrified that I could never get pregnant. I felt so excited and blessed that I was able to get pregnant. It was all such wonderful timing and  I was so thrilled that my boyfriend and I were finally going to start a family. We told our own families right away, but decided to wait until I was out of my first trimester to tell others. Everyone was genuinely thrilled for us, especially since they all knew about everything we had gone through and how badly we wanted to be parents.

I had my first doctor’s appointment on June 28th and was able to see my little bean and even hear a heart beat. It was the happiest day of my life. I already felt such an immense connection to this life growing inside me. I loved my little bean and felt so proud to be a mommy. I was 5 weeks and 6 days along. I quickly started imagining what my baby was going to look like and what it was gonna feel like when I was finally able to hold him or her in my arms. In the meantime though, I was happy to have this little bean growing in me and I already wanted to give it the best. The minute I found out I was pregnant very careful to take my pre-natal vitamins, drink plenty of water and avoid foods that could be contaminated with bacteria. I would have done anything and everything in my power to ensure that my little bean stayed safe.

However, for unknown reasons I started spotting a few days after my ultrasound. A couple friends of mine that had children assured me that it was normal. I was an anxious first time mom though, and I just wanted to make sure that all was well so I called my doctor. I went it for a second ultrasound and was told that my cervix was closed and that my little bean was growing just fine and had a strong heart beat. I felt some relief, but I had a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach. Something just didn’t feel right. I was able to listen to my baby’s heartbeat for the last time that day. When I got home from my appointment I started bleeding heavily and within a few hours my little bean was gone.

I had never felt so devastated and empty in my whole life. I did not want to say goodbye. I wanted to stay pregnant so badly. I wanted to be able to see my belly swell and feel my baby kick. It’s only been a week since my miscarriage. It hurts so bad. I miss my little bean so much. I am so thankful that I got to be a mommy even if it was only for about 7 weeks. I bought a necklace that I’m going to wear daily to honor the baby that I lost. I will never forget my little bean and the happiness that I felt knowing that it was growing inside me. I don’t know if I will be able to get pregnant again because I have another small dermoid cyst and it’s just a matter of time before I have to get surgery again. This experience has just made me want to be a mommy even more. I know in my heart though that one way or another I will have a family some day.

You can contact Diana at Dianacbarr@hotmail.com




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  1. Tamara fender says:

    Your story touched my heart. We went through the same thing. our difference was we had done ivf and was pregnant with six babies. I know your pain. My sister, stephanie mcguire helped so much. Do you have a good support system? I found a therapist that helped just talking to someone outside your family and friends. I will pray for you. Please feel free to contact me. Tammy fender 2298343558 tamarafender@windstream.net

    • Diana Barry says:

      Thank you for your response, Tamara. I’m sorry for your loss. I do have a small support system, but not really anyone who has dealt with miscarriage first hand. I think that my loved ones are just not sure what to say to me right now and I am taking offense at most of the “comforting” words that I am hearing from them. I know that they love me and are just trying to be helpful, but they just don’t get it. So thanks for your contact info. I hope to be in touch soon.

  2. I wanted to write and let you know that I feel your pain. I also suffer from recurrent ovarian dermoid cysts. One of them was so large they removed my right ovary and last year I found out another one had taken over my remaining ovary. Doctors were pessimistic about pregnancy but I refused to let them operate until I at least tried. I got pregnant after 10 months of trying with the cyst continuing to grow. Then I miscarried at almost 12 weeks and it was devastating. I completely understand every feeling you expressed from the joy to the connection to the baby to the overwhelming grief when the dream is over. I got pregnant again only one month after the miscarriage and thought God would let me keep this one. Sadly, it turned out to be ectopic in my only functional tube. :S My Dr’s told me to give up. They wanted to removed the remaining ovary and the tube but I still said no. I wouldnt give up. I write to give you hope because 6 months after the ectopic, with the dermoid still growing I got pregnant again and I am now 8 months pregnant with a little boy who is doing just fine. The dermoid seems to have stopped growing during the pregnancy. Everything has progressed normally. The only thing I highly recommend is that you INSIST on taking progesterone suppositories during the first trimester of your pregnancy when you conceive again. I learned that having only a small piece of a working ovary means that your hormone production that keeps baby alive can be affected. They think its why I lost the first baby. I dont know if its true but I took it until I was 12 weeks and my little boy is doing great! I wish the best for you. Dont give up!!!

    • Hi Haley. Thank you for your encouragement and advice. I’m so sorry you had to go through mc and have had so much trouble with your ovaries too. You have definitely given me hope. I have not encountered anyone else with a medical history so similar to mine, so it is so helpful to hear your story. Interesting tip about the progesterone supplements. I started taking them at 6 weeks, but miscarried a week later. Anyhow, thanks again for writing to me and please feel free to email me anytime as well.

    • P.S Congrats on your pregnancy! That is so wonderful…

  3. (((hugs))) I’m glad to have been emailing you.

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