Early miscarriage at 5 1/2 weeks
June 13th 2011
My husband and I have been together for about 3 1/2 years prior to getting married. Before the wedding, we knew that we would want to start trying for a baby right away after getting married – due to the fact that he already has two children from a previous marriage and that he is quite a bit older than I am. We were married on May 20th 2011, and everything went off without a hitch! We spent our honeymoon in Jamaica, which was a wonderful time. It also couldn’t have worked out more perfectly due to the fact I knew I was also ovulating that week during our honeymoon.
We got back from Jamaica, and I had that feeling that I was pregnant. So I took a pregnancy test that came back negative (those awful early detection pregnancy tests!). I waited for my period to come, and at this point it was late! I couldn’t believe that, due to the fact I can set a watch by my cycle every month. I chalked it up to all the stress leading up to our wedding. At this point, smells were bothering me as a few more days went by without my period, and I started to feel like maybe I WAS pregnant after all! I took another pregnancy test, and there it was! It was positive! I could hardly believe it!
This came as a shock to me, as I was potentially warned of infertility and potentially a higher rate of miscarriage. Although I suffered for much longer, I was officially diagnosed with Hypothyroidism in February 2010 after getting blood work done for recurrent migraines… and then later two autoimmune disorders. I was diagnosed with Hashimoto’s Disease in June 2010, which is the leading cause of Hypothyroidism. Hashimoto’s disease is an autoimmune disorder that produces antibodies that attack and damage your thyroid gland. Also in October 2010, I was diagnosed with Celiac Disease, and without getting too technical, you are allergic to wheat products and other gluten products such as barley, oats, etc. So yes, I am gluten free! I fought for a while with my blood work and jumping from endocrinologist to endocrinologist, and right before the wedding I was ‘cleared’ by my three endocrinologists and my gyno to start trying to conceive!
As you can see, this could have not been set up more perfectly in our minds… or so we thought.
Anyway, although I was SO excited I could barely contain myself. And trust me I literally couldn’t barely contain myself, as I was running to the bathroom 2 times an hour at this point… when typically I pee 3-4 times a day max. Nonetheless, it didn’t matter to me. I just couldn’t believe that I was pregnant. I told a couple VERY close friends and our mothers. I was too nervous to say anything to anyone because of my health condition. I knew I was at higher risk for having complications, so I just wanted to get through the first trimester and then announce it to family and friends. I still couldn’t believe it, so I took ANOTHER test, and YUP I’m pregnant! So now at this point I was calling my endocrinologists and the gyno due to the fact that I need to have blood work done on my thyroid when I conceive. I was also set up with a perinatal specialist and marked high risk from the start. My head was spinning from excitement – and all of the doctors appointments I would have in the next few weeks.
Then Saturday June 11th came and I noticed some light spotting while I was out to dinner with my husband. I freaked out immediately and called the emergency line to the gynecologist office. The on-call doctor said that light spotting happens sometimes during pregnancy, but to call back immediately if it changes in color, volume, etc. He called it ‘old blood’ since it was brown. To take precaution, he asked that I be seen in the office Monday morning. The rest of the weekend I spent in bed scared to even move. Monday morning came, and I got up for work, and I started bleeding dark blood with tissue. At this point I knew it was bad. I screamed for my husband and began balling my eyes out. I called the gyno office immediately, and they wanted me to come in at 1:15 – their first open appointment.
At this point, I knew that this was the end. I had to get myself together and get dressed for work and make it half the day. You see, one of my co-workers is on maternity leave, so we are already short-handed. The fact that one was out on maternity leave, makes this whole feeling a lot worse. So anyway, I barely make it through to morning to my appointment. They did an ultrasound and confirmed the already dreaded news. I had lost the baby. I was more than crushed. At that moment, I felt like a million freight trains ran over my chest. From there on out, I think an entire week was just a blur in which I walked around like a zombie. I managed to go to work and come home to get in bed and cry to the point that I could barely open my eyes. I would wake up in the middle of the night balling my eyes out. I would cry on the way to work and back. At work. Everywhere.
How is this fair? Why did this happen? Can someone please get my stepchildren out of the house so I can just be alone? Why are there suddenly pregnant women everywhere I look? God, what did I do to deserve something so awful? Will this happen to me again? How am I going to tell our mothers and our few selective friends what happened? — these were all questions racing through my mind for the next two weeks, among many others. I will have to say that the next few weeks have been pretty rough, but we have made it through together. I have even gotten a tattoo of a sleeping angel baby to remember our loss. My husband has his drawn up and is getting his tattoo soon.
As for moving forward, my husband and I have been helping each other through every day. He has been my rock, as he always has and always will be. Although the wound is still quite fresh, we plan on trying to get pregnant again as soon as possible. It does not make the loss feel any better or easier, but we have to continue to keep moving forward and have hope. It has only been a month as of July 13th 2011, but we are keeping hope that soon we will have happy news to share.