Mommy to Nevaeh
December 30, 2005 – August 8, 2006
I remember that morning (August 8th) as if it were yesterday… I was up early, due to having stomach cramps all night long, I got my oldest daughter, Kiersten (she was almost two at the time) some breakfast in the kitchen, turned on the television in the living room, and started to clean up a little bit. I happened to glance at the clock and seen that it was almost 10am, and it was odd because Nevaeh wasn’t awake yet, she never slept that late. I instantly got an uneasy feeling in my stomach, I ran down the hall and threw open her door. Nevaeh was lying there on her belly, her face to the side, with her butt sticking up in the air. It was odd because she never ever slept on her belly, she always slept on her back. I reached down and placed my hand on her back, she was warm to the touch. I started to rub her back to wake her up, but even after a few rubs she didn’t budge. And right then is when I knew something was not right.
I swept Nevaeh up out of her bed, ran to the living room with her in my arms, and layed her on the couch. As soon as I put her down I could see that she wasn’t breathing, and she had discoloration to the right side of her face. I began hysterically crying, attempting to do CPR but nothing happened. I picked up the phone, dialed 911 and told them I needed an Ambulance right now. They told me to keep trying to give her CPR, but I couldn’t even get her sweet little mouth opened. It seemed like it took hours for the Ambulance to get there, even though it was actually only minutes. I sobbed and cried, and held my sweet Nevaeh until they arrived. I remember them prying her tiny lifeless body out of my arms and wisking her into the back of the ambulance. The EMT’s took Kiersten and Me to the Hospital (I remember I was wearing my nightgown and pink sandals), and I prayed the whole way there. I prayed for God to help me, to help my baby,.. I prayed that this was all just a horrible nightmare and that I would wake up and everything would be fine, and my baby would be fine, but it wasn’t a dream, it was real. When we arrived at the Hospital, the whole ER Staff just stood there and stared as they wheeled my precious baby in, the whole place was silent. Some of the events are a blurr to me, and other things I remember so clearly, some of the things you pray to forget. I was put in a room while they took Nevaeh to work on her. The head Nurse came in and asked if she could do anything for me, I remember telling her to call my Parents and tell them something is wrong with Nevaeh and they need to get here now. I couldn’t even get any phone numbers out of my mouth, it was like I was paralyzed, and I broke down in tears again. Minutes seemed like hours, and I just wanted to hear that my baby was going to be okay. My Family and Friends arrived, we all held each other and cried. Not much longer and a man dressed in scrubs opened the door and came in, he said “Im so sorry but your baby is gone, we tried everything”. I felt as if my heart was ripped out of my chest, thrown on the ground, and repeatedly stomped on.
We were all taken in to see Nevaeh, to hold her and to say our last Goodbye’s. She was hooked up to a bunch of different machines, lying on the bed, all wrapped up in a soft warm blanket. But before I even got to hold her, a Police Officer came in and said he had some questions for me. I was lead to a cold little room outside the ER full of people. There were Officers, Nurses, Doctors, and Children’s Services workers. I was asked millions of questions about the days before she died, was she sick, did she fall, did anyone hurt her, did she get into anything, what did she eat, and so on. I felt as if I was being treated like a suspect, like a monster, like I did this to my baby. I remember my face and eyes burnt horribly from crying so much, and I had the worst migraine ever imaginable. I asked for tylenol numerous times, but it just seemed like nobody was listening to me. After about an hour of questioning, my Lawyer barged in, later I found out that my Dad called him. Once he came in their tones all changed, he got me some tylenol, and let my Family in to be with me. He asked how dare they badger me and treat me like a monster, when I had just lost my baby.
By the time they were done, my precious baby was already taken by the Coroner. I didn’t get to hold my baby for the last time, I didn’t get to kiss her goodbye, I didn’t even get to touch her.
An Autopsy was performed, and it was determined as SIDS.. The silent killer!
I remember picking out her last oufit, picking out flowers and a casket. It just didn’t seem right that they made caskets that small. Her Funeral was three days later, August 11th, My Birthday, Not how anyone would want to spend their Birthday… Her ceremony was beautiful, and everyone came to her rememberance dinner. Nevaeh was so precious, and she touched the lives of so many people, so many people loved her.
For months after her death, I remember feeling like I wanted to die. I think I became part of the mattress because all I did was sleep and I cry. I knew I had Kiersten to take care of, and I knew Nevaeh wouldn’t want me to live the rest of my life like this, I knew I had to go on for Nevaeh.
I still don’t understand how or why this happened.. I had a healthy pregnancy, a pretty easy labor, and delivered a healthy, smart, beautiful baby girl. No complications, no signs of problems, nothing that indicated that she would go to sleep one night and never wake up again.
I wasn’t the same before Nevaeh, and I’ll never be the same without her. In my heart she lives on, and I know that she is looking down on me.
Rest in peace my precious angel, Nevaeh.
Hilary can be contacted at firstname.lastname@example.org