Samantha

Losses on December 31, 2006

January 20, 2009

October 20, 2009

December 23, 2009

July 12, 2010

April 2011

Cohoes, NY

My name is Samantha and I am a 33 year old woman who has had one live birth and has suffered 6 miscarriages.  My husband and I were married in August of 2006 and decided we wanted to try and have children right away.  We found out in November that were pregnant and were so excited.  We decided to tell our families right away.  They were all so excited, as were we.  We had no idea what to expect, but things were going well.  I started having some spotting just after Christmas, and was very scared by what was going on.  I went to the ER with my husband and they said that it did not look good.  By now I was having heavy bleeding and spotting.  I ended up miscarrying our first child at 7 weeks.  It was December 31, 2006.  Sadly as I was in one hospital miscarrying, my niece was being born in another.  

I followed up with my doctor, who took things very lightly.  They said many women miscarry their first pregnancy.  They told me to go ahead and try again whenever I felt emptionally ready.  We were devastated, but we thought the only way to get over it was to try again.  So we did.  Amazingly, we found out we were pregnant that following February and had a healthy baby boy in October of 2007.  We were extatic.  The pregnancy went smoothly and we knew we were blessed when our little boy was born on my husbands birthday.

We knew right away that we wanted to have more children, but we waited until our son was a year old to try again.  Just after the first of the year in 2009, I found out that we were expecting.  We were so excited.  I scheduled a Dr. appointment and couldn’t wait for the chance to tell our loved ones.  But within a week of finding out that I was pregnant I started bleeding and cramping.  I knew what was happening.  I went to the Dr. and they confirmed my suspicions.  I was miscarrying again.  I was only about 6 weeks.  This miscarriage destroyed me.  I was NOT expecting it.  I became so depressed.  I had no answers.  It made no sense to me because I was a healthy young woman.  The doctors chalked it up to bad luck.  I isolated myself from the world for months.  I hated going out in fear that I would see a pregnant woman.  I refused to go to baby showers and despised any pregnant woman that complaned about “being pregnant”.  I hurt more than words could express.  I ended up seeking counseling in August of 2009, which helped some.  What helped the most was the due date passing in September.  I finally felt like I could move on.  Once again, we decided to give the baby thing another try.  It didn’t take long before I found myself pregnant in mid October.  We were happy, but very scared.  Sadly the same thing happened again.  This time I only made it to 5 weeks. I was broken once again.  At this point I knew that there was something wrong.  It just did not make any sense.

I decided to switch doctors to someone who would take my fears an d history a bit more seriously.  Upon seeing my new Doctor, she immediateley agreed that my history of recurrent early miscarriage was not normal.  She ordered tons of blood work and scheduled me for a HSG that same week.  I was just so happy that someone was taking my history seriously and I could not wait for answers, good or bad.  The doctor informed me that some women do just have “bad luck” when it comes to sustaining a pregnancy and that I needed to remember that that could be a possibility.  She also told me that many women tend to find getting pregnant easy after having an HSG done, so if we wanted to try it may be a good time.  We knew that it would take a few months for the bloodwork to come back, so we figured why not.  We ended up pregnant again that December.  I don’t think either of us had any emotion about it.  We really couldn’t be happy or sad. It was hard to get invested.  I ended up miscarrying that pregnancy at 5 weeks on Christmas Day.  It was after this miscarriage we lost all hope and decided that regardless of the results we were going to move on with our lives and count our blessings.  We already had one amazing son and we truly felt that he was a gift from God.

When I went to see my doctor that January, she informed me that my lab results were in and that I did in fact have a genetic homozygous mutation of the MTHFR gene that can cause compplications with early and late pregnancy.  I was informed that MTHFR is a blood-based disease and can cause tiny blood clots to form around the placenta, leading to miscarriage or stillbirth.  In addition, I was informed that it inhibits the production of folic acid, which is also important in fetal development.  I was referred to a hematologist, but told that with the proper course of treatment we could have a happy, healthy baby. My physician and the hematologist recommended a course of treatment which included daily B6, B12, folic acid and a baby asprin.  I was initially contemplative about taking the daily mediction, but finally decided to give it a try.  Sadly this news did not change our thoughts about trying again.  It was good to know, but we could not endure the heartache of losing a pregnancy again.  We really started to embrace our time with our son more that ever and just knew what a blessing he truly was to us.  And so life went on until May of 2010 when I found out we were expecting again…this time it was not planned.

It was again a pleasant news, but a scary moment for us.  I went to the doctor within days of finding out.  She put me on lovenox injections daily, in addition to my vitamins, folic acid and asprin.  She also checked my progestrone, which was low,, so I went on medication for that as well.  I was so sick for weeks, but willing to endure anything to have a healthy baby. I was scared, but kept trying to have faith.  I was shocked when I made it past the 6 week mark, then 8 weeks, then 10 weeks, and finally 12!  I felt so much relief when I reached the 12 week mark and thought we were in the clear.  I did not have another check up until 16 weeks, but went back to the doctor at 14 weeks because I had very light spotting.  In my heart I knew something was wrong.  I was given an ultrasound and I knew right away.  There was no movement, no heartbeat.  My baby was lying there so still.  I prayed for just one little movement, anything.  But I knew what was happening.  The doctor came in the room, and held my hand. She looked at me with her eyes full of tears and said, “I’m so sorry Samantha”. I cried and cried.  THe doctor said she could not see anything wrong with the baby.  I talked with her for a few minutes that asked if I could leave.  I just wanted to get dressed and leave.  I knew that I would be forever haunted of that image of my lifeless baby on the screen.  I was alone at the doctors, so I had to pull myself together to drive home.  I called my husband and told him I had bad news.  He was so shocked and hurt.  He told his boss and was able to head home early so we could be together.  I told my parents and he told his.  We were all so broken by the news.  When I got home, I just held my little boy so tight thanking God over and over for him.  I had to wait about a week to get a D&C because of the medication I was on, but it went as smoothly as it could.  We decided to have genetic testing done on the baby, which took months to come back.  In October of 2010, we did find out that the baby had Down Syndrome, making it difficult for the fetus to survive.

The news of the baby having down syndrome still haunts me every day.  I feel terrible that our baby never had a fighting chance.  We are approaching the year anniversary of that miscarriage and we both struggle with the right way to honor the babys memory.  I did have one other miscarriage since then.  It was in April of this year and I was about 6 weeks.

I have made peace with the fact that I will never have another child of my own.  It it physically possible? Maybe, but my husband and I have decided that we cannot endure the devastation of losing another child.  I have learned so much about myself through this experience, mostly that I am a survivor.  My pain is still here and I struggle with it every day.  I find comfort in knowing that there are others out there who understand what I am going through and what I have been through.  I do believe that God never gives us more than we can handle and that everything happens for a reason.  I am still searching for that reason, but one day I know I will find it.  My son is my saving grace and I work hard every day to make sure he knows how special he is and how much he is loved.  Although I have given up my dream of carrying and having another child, I have not given up the dream of someday welcoming another child into our home via an alternative method such as surrogacy or adoption.  To all you women who have faced similar struggles please know that the tears I have shed and continue to shed are not just for me, but for all of us who have lost.  Please continue to remember that there is hope and I hope you all find peace through your journey.  My thoughts are with you all.

Samantha can be contacted at ssiek@nycap.rr.com

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Comments

  1. Sarah says:

    Samantha I am so sorry for all of your losses. We suffered losses together on the very same day. July 12, 2010 I delivered my daughter, Harper, who was born still. I know what you mean as the year anniversary approaches. It is so very hard to understand why things happen the way they do. I am so sorry you have had to endure this and know that I will be thinking about you on July 12th too. Sending love and healing prayers for you from Kentucky.

    • Samantha says:

      Sarah I am also so sorry for your loss. I will think of you as well on July 12th and I sending the love and prayers right back to you.

  2. Gina says:

    Hi Samantha, I too am so sorry for all that you have endured. I am in that ‘bad luck’ category and it sucks. To never have an answer has been so difficult. I lost 4 babies and had a complete hydatiform mole before my son was born. I was also having a hard time getting pregnant on my own and we were going through injectables with IUI to increase our chances. I was only 22 when I suffered my first loss. I was 25 when I finally held a baby in my arms instead of my heart. I am glad you are coming to terms with everything and you feel adoption or surrogacy are options to expand your family. Good luck!!

    • Samantha says:

      Gina,
      Thanks for your kind words and support. I am also so sorry to hear about your story and I understand the struggles you have been through. The “bad luck” category is awful. I am so glad I am finally connecting with women who understand. Best of luck to you as well.

  3. Dana says:

    Oh my goodness. Your life experience is almost a mirror of our journey with pregnancy and loss. In 2006 I had my first miscarriage in 2007 I had daughter, also a miracle. A year later we started trying again, I too never expected the heartache we would experience. In that year I had 4 miscarriages (including 1 set of twins) over time we focused on the blessing of being able to have one child. I hope all goes well with you to expand your family.

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