Caitlyn

Mom to Rowan

June 15th, 2011

Culpeper, Virginia

My baby was taken too soon from us.  From the moment our first son was conceived, we knew we wanted another baby less than two years apart.  We wanted brothers who grew up as best friends.  Or, a big brother who’d protect his little sister at any cost.  We decided to start trying, again, in March.  April came and my period arrived.  May came.  I waited and I waited.  No period.  I tested every single day.  Negative every time.  Finally, on May 21, I got the faintest pink line.  I took another test two days later.  That same day I took a digital and confirmed with a big, fat “YES+”.  We were more than over-joyed.

We had names picked out if it were a boy or girl.  We had the crib picked out.  We were looking for a 3 bedroom house so our two little ones wouldn’t have to share a room.  We announced to our families and they were so excited.  And, every day, I’d wake up and wish my son and soon-to-be son or daughter a very good morning.

This is when things start to get blurry.  I started spotting light pink blood.  I thought nothing of it as I wasn’t cramping and I was still feeling very pregnant.  The spotting continued.  About 5 days later, I passed my precious baby with no warning.  I was devastated.  I took a picture to send to my husband as I wasn’t sure of what I was seeing.  In the meantime, I was weeping and flushed the toilet, forgetting what I just had passed.  This is the part that haunts me.  I never got to give my dear baby a proper burial.  I flushed him or her like a goldfish when it dies.  I will never, ever forgive myself for that.

The following Thursday, I was sent for an ultrasound to confirm my suspicions.  Sure enough, there was an empty sac.  That little tiny black hole on the screen seemed to engulf me at that moment.  I felt as though I was inside that black hole.  Though this one was an enormous one leaving me empty and lifeless.  The doctor sat us down and explained what we already knew.  We lost our baby.  Those words will never seem to lose the great emotion I felt that day when I heard them for the first time.

We decided that I’d miscarry naturally, if possible.  Thankfully, God did spare me a little pain and allowed me to do so.  I also decided to save the sac.  That is the last piece of our baby I have and I’m not ready to let go.

I asked my husband and he agreed to name our baby in hopes of some closure.  We chose the name Rowan Chroí (which is the Gaelic word for heart).  Rowan will be forever in our hearts.  I miss my baby more and more each day.  When I see my son, I imagine him playing with his baby brother or sister.  I imagine Rowan’s favorite color.  The color of his or her hair, eyes, etc.

I long to have my baby back, if only for a moment to hold and express my love.  I am so angry, hurt, sad… I don’t understand why God would take away our beautiful baby.  We planned Rowan’s conception.  We were waiting.  Waiting for January 18, 2012 to arrive.  But, on Tuesday, June 15, 2011, we lost our baby too soon.

How could a miscarriage happen to me?  I wasn’t prepared for this.  I had carried my son to 38 weeks with no complications.  My water broke, went through a painful birth, and there he was!  But, how?!  There are women having abortions and giving up children for adoption.  But, the child I wanted and already loved was taken from me.  It’s not fair!  It’s a sick and cruel thing.  And, I’ll never forget.

 

Caitlyn blogs at http://mamawigglebottom.blogspot.com/

You can contact her at rhodes.cait@gmail.com

 

 

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Comments

  1. John Rhodes says:

    Hi sweet heart,
    I found this website browsing through your email. I know we lost our little one, I know how devastated you are about it. Dont kill yourself over you flushing the little one down the toliet, you had no idea at the time what it was that you passed. even when you sent me the pic, i didnt know what that was, but i had a bad feeling that it was our little one, but i didnt want to say it to you right away in fear that you would blame yourself. Im srry I dont show you the emotions you wish to see from me about the miscarriage. I am hurt from this as much as you are, but I cant spend all day long greiving over it, when i have you who at this time are greiving over the loss of this child, and a 6 mounth son who needs tending too, plus work. I know you want to see my emoitions from the loss of this child, one day you will, but i cant when you and aodhan need me to be strong and to take care of you both.

    I love you very much, since the day I first saw you, My love for you gets stronger as we grow old together. I look forward to the days we have ahead, I always look froward to seeing you when i walk through the door, even though some days i have to travel to the end of the house to find you, but i cant complain, its worth it to see your loving smile, and you holding my son.

    Cant wait to see you tonight,
    love always
    John A. Rhodes Jr

  2. Katherine says:

    I miscarried at about 8 weeks. I know how you feel about flushing the toilet- I didn’t dare look into the toilet and yet I felt sooo horrible!!! It was so awful….

    Thank you for sharing- it’s so good to know I’m not the only one. I also wondered what my baby would have looked like, etc. It’s so terrible to not know these things. No matter how early it is, it’s still hard.

    The ironic part is I miscarried on June 14, 2011- one day before you, and I was supposed to have the baby in January. I’m still hoping maybe I’ll raise my baby in heaven. <3

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