I can remember each moment like it was yesterday – each one of the five times that we were told our pregnancy was over.
In September 2007 we began our journey to expand our family. We got pregnant right away and I was ecstatic. We told everyone we knew. There was nothing that compared to our excitement. But that first pregnancy ended at 6 short weeks. What began as spotting continued through to the full miscarriage process and my heart was completely broken.
Two months later, our second pregnancy ended only 2 days after I found out I was even pregnant. That miscarriage was more like a heavy painful period. Two miscarriages? Me? Really? It wasn’t supposed to be this way, I thought. We had some testing done that all came back normal, so we were left only to try again.
Our third pregnancy was our miracle. It was a perfect pregnancy from start to finish. We welcomed our son Isaak into the world in November 2008.
A year passed, and an unexpected pregnancy filled us with raw excitement as we planned to add another member to our family. All was going wonderfully, until the 15th week. Unexpected bleeding began, and later an ultrasound confirmed that our baby no longer had a heartbeat. I was scheduled for a D&C the same day. Genetic testing was done and revealed that the baby had Trisomy 13, but we were told it was a random occurrence and that we shouldn’t expect any more problems.
Four months later we were again pregnant, but an ultrasound at 9 weeks confirmed that there was no heartbeat. I was given the option for another D&C but I felt strongly that I wanted my body to complete the miscarriage process naturally. So we did, it was very very tough and painful. We had no answers. We had no idea how it was possible to have 4 miscarriages (all with a different diagnosis) and 1 completely healthy boy. Our doctor was baffled, and so were we. We had some genetic testing completed on my husband and myself, all of which came back completely normal. We were told that we’d only experienced extremely bad luck and that we should not give up.
Two months ago (April 2011), we got our 6th positive pregnancy test, we prayed and hoped and prayed that this would be the one. It had to be. However, again at our 9 week ultrasound, the baby had no heart beat. So we left, went home and waited 3 weeks for the miscarriage to again complete naturally. I should be just finding out the gender of our baby, and trying on maternity clothes – but instead I face the unlovely truth that something is in fact very very wrong. No one should ever have to bring a plastic container to their OB and deliver what they call “products of conception”. No one should ever have to see their baby’s heart beat on a screen and then later be told that the heart stopped.
It doesn’t get any easier.
No matter how many times I go through this.
It gets harder. And harder.
It makes me feel like there is a target aimed at my womb with an arrow that is inscribed: “Just GIVE UP, it’s hopeless… You ARE broken.” It hurts in a completely different place when your doctor looks you in the eye and tells you that he’s done all he can do, that there is something extremely wrong and we should just count our losses and just “accept” the fact that our living son was the exception to the rule. Life should never be “an exception”.
I long for hope. I long for healing for my family, and I long desperately for the chance to experience a healthy pregnancy again and welcome a new life into our family. I long for the day when I’m not labeled as the lady who’s had 5 miscarriages but the lady who kept fighting until her family was complete. Until that day comes, I am just doing my best to be thankful for the gifts I do have, to live life to the fullest and not let this diagnosis define me. My name is Christy, and I am the face of multiple miscarriages.
Christy can be contacted at email@example.com
She blogs at www.fearfully-wonderfully.com