Elizabeth

Angel November 2005 – 5 Weeks

Angel July 2006 – 6 Weeks

Angel September 2010 – 11 Weeks

Angel June 2011 – 5 Weeks

Waukesha, WI

 

2005 was a big year for me, I met the man who would become my husband and in October we found out we were expecting.  We had not planned it, but we were both thrilled.  Of course, I told everyone, family, friends, co-workers right away.  A couple of weeks later, in the morning as I was brushing my teeth I noticed I was bleeding.  I panicked, and called my doctor, who was really nonchalant.  He told me if I was having a miscarriage there was nothing he could do, and to just rest with my feet up.  It would be like having a bad period.  My husband took me to the emergency room.  We waited and I remember clearly thinking to myself, how stupid to come here and waste everyone’s time, I’m not going to have a miscarriage, that’s not going to happen to me.  Two minutes later my ER doctor came in, smiling, and told me I had lost the baby.  I was given no options, no questions about whether I wanted to have a D&C, or pills.  Nothing.  I was sent home, told again, that it would be like a bad period and it would be over in a couple of days.  My miscarriage began on November 1st.  I didn’t stop bleeding until Thanksgiving.  I was in quite a bit of pain during that time.

 I’ve seen other people write it or say it and it is true, I was overwhelmingly lonely.  I felt like I had an allotted time to grieve and then a lot of people felt like I should get over it.  My boss even told me I should “get some professional help”.  My grief made people uncomfortable.  Let me add, I do also have wonderful people in my life who support me including my husband and my mother.

 I threw myself into planning my wedding.  A few days before my wedding, I felt off and realized my period was late.  Once again I was pregnant.  After my last pregnancy and miscarriage, I decided to wait to see anyone until I got back from my honeymoon.  I got a new doctor, who scheduled me for a sonogram right away.  I remember walking into the ultrasound with my new husband, confident young newlyweds, surely this time everything will be alright.  There was no heartbeat, only my tiny still baby.   I met my new doctor, who told me what my options were and asked me what I thought I wanted to do.  I cried and I told her that I didn’t even know I had options. 

Only the people closest to me knew I had a miscarriage.  I didn’t even tell work.  I took the afternoon off for my D&C, and went back the next day.

 Life moved on.  We were blessed with 2 successful pregnancies, and I thought that all of the pain of miscarriages was behind me.  I discovered I was pregnant in June of 2010.  We were excited.  We saw the baby on sono, including a heartbeat.  The heartbeat did seem slow and I asked a lot of questions, but was assured that when the heart first starts beating it can be a little lower.  At 11 weeks along I was pretty much in the home stretch and had told several people.  It was a Sunday when I started bleeding.  I called my doctor who told me to rest and come in ASAP in the morning for an ultrasound.  I spent the day preparing myself and praying, and the next morning the ultrasound revealed that the baby had passed some time before.  I had a D&C that afternoon.

 I was in shock, I thought all of this was behind me.  How could this happen again?  I managed to keep it together for my children, but just barely some days.  I would drop them off at preschool and sit in the parking lot and start crying.  I called my mom one day and told her I thought I was having a nervous breakdown.  I ended up taking medical leave from work.

 All of my miscarriages have been hard, but this one hit me the hardest.  I ached to hold this baby in my arms.  When I closed my eyes, I could feel the weight of this baby as I hold him on my chest and patted his back.  I could smell his clean new baby smell and feel his soft hair.  It was so close, yet so far.  There had been a heartbeat, there was life there and I saw it on the ultrasound.  What had I done wrong?

 We knew we wanted more children, but I didn’t feel ready to start trying immediately, so we waited until April 2011 to start trying.  We got pregnant right away.  Again we were very excited.  Due to my history my doctor monitors me closely and I also visit the perinatal center at the local hospital.  I had an ultrasound.  It was too early to see anything.  Wait another week and see.  Second ultrasound a week later, still too small to see, go have your HCG drawn.  My HCG did not double and I know with the dates I calculated this pregnancy has ended in a miscarriage as well.  The hardest part has been living in this no-man’s-land for 2 weeks now.  Hoping, but not hoping.  Praying.  Wanting to know the answers for sure, but at the same time not wanting to know, because I already know deep inside something is wrong.

 I am not having a D&C this time.  I really don’t want all the drama of the hospital etc, and my doctor agreed since this pregnancy is so early and small yet, and wrote me a prescription for the pills.  I have to admit, I am a little afraid to take them, I have read some horror stories, but I will start them tomorrow night.

 I try to remind myself how blessed I am.  I have a wonderful husband, I can’t imagine going through this with anyone else.  I have 2 wonderful children.  My circle of friends and family now is tighter than ever, and I know that I can really count on the people I have close to me.  I have an amazing group of doctors, and nurses who really care about me.  It is hard sometimes to remember these things, but I do try. 

Elizabeth can be contacted at bethk29@netzero.net.

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