Nicole

Baby B

Lost June 21, 2010 at almost 9 weeks

Baby B #2

Lost December 7, 2010 at 6 1/2 weeks

Overland Park, KS

 

When my cousin lost her baby boy in June 2008 due to placental abruption at 6 months into her pregnancy our whole family grieved for her loss. I couldn’t imagine how this hit us so close to home and how anybody could get through it. I gave my cousin a book to help her grieve through her unimaginable loss. Little did I know that almost exactly 2 years to the month my cousin lost her little boy, she would giving that book back to me to read, as I would be going through my own pregnancy loss in June of 2010. 

We decided to get pregnant just a few months after our wedding. I am in my thirties and just felt very ready to be a mom. So we decided to start trying in May of 2010 and got pregnant the very first time! We couldn’t believe it happened the very first time around and how easy it was to get pregnant. Then right before my 9 week appt in which I would get to see and hear the baby for the first time, I had a nightmare the night before that I had miscarried, I then noticed something wasn’t right. However, I wasn’t too concerned. My doctor asked me to go ahead and come in and get checked out that day. She told me she didn’t see anything weird, but wanted to go ahead and do a sono that day “just in case.”  I was so excited to get to see the baby, but sad my hubby wasn’t there since the appt was last minute and I told him I didn’t think it was a big deal and probably something minor. The sono tech brought up the baby and as soon as I saw the heartbeat I got so excited. I knew everything was ok.  However, the sono tech got very quiet and asked me how far along I was. She told me the baby’s heart rate and size were on the small side for a baby that is almost 9 weeks along but that the doctor would check it out and for me to wait in the waiting room. I waited and deep down inside I knew something was wrong, but just didn’t really think about it as I was too excited to see the baby on the sono photograph.

It was almost 45 minutes before the doctor saw me and I knew it was bad. She told me that in most cases when the baby is on the small side and has a slow heart rate for where they should be at the time, that its probably a sign of an impending miscarriage. She asked that I go home, take it easy, and see how I felt on Monday. Monday is when I found out my baby had died, probably over the weekend or that morning. I think one of the hardest things to overcome is the amount of guilt I have felt, that my husband’s joy was taken away, my parents won’t be able to hold their first grandchild, my sisters wouldn’t be able to be aunts for the first time, my in laws wouldn’t be able to enjoy another baby in the family, and so on. I felt so guilty I punished myself, but I tried to keep myself from feeling for myself and tried to put on a strong and happy face as much as possible. I thought of how everyone else was feeling before I even took myself into consideration. Of course, some things that are said to you during that period of time can sting or hurt the worst. Sometimes people have the best intentions, but don’t really realize what they are saying to you. I tried to think about that every time I heard things I just didn’t want to hear at the time. I know that anytime I had known a friend or someone going through a miscarriage, I wasn’t sure what the exact right words were to say. But the one thing that hurt the most was when someone told me to get over it, and you can just try again. I thought “get over it,” this was my child, I don’t care if I was only a little over 2 months along, there was still a living being inside me that was all mine, and it was taken from me! So those types of people I tended to shy away from until I could handle things that were said a little easier.

After one last appointment with my obgyn was completed in July, she thought I had some sort of progesterone issue. So I did whatever blood work they asked me, spent as much money as I could on vitamin supplements to help with the progesterone, including acupuncture and chiropractor services. I was getting blood work done once a month and my obgyn was a little concerned as my numbers were so low/borderline, she wasn’t even sure I was ovulating. I was determined that if it was something I could control and help, I would do it no matter what it cost. The month before I got pregnant again, my progesterone numbers were the best they had ever been. So we decided to try again, and we got pregnant on the first try once again! Even though we wanted to wait until after the holidays to tell everyone, I couldn’t help but try to think positive and that it wouldn’t happen again. So we told everyone in our family over the Thanksgiving holiday, but on December 7th, I lost baby #2. This time we couldn’t blame it on the progesterone as all my blood work was normal and fine. What was wrong? My obgyn said since blood clot disorders ran in my family, that we should go ahead and check it out before trying to get pregnant again. I agreed.

My second miscarriage pretty much got brushed under the rug. We didn’t talk about it because it was the holidays and I didn’t really want to talk anyways. Little did I know, since my first miscarriage I had been leading myself down a path to serious anxiety, panic and depression by not taking care of my mental health and worrying about everyone else and also by not talking about how I felt. I was worried about the blood work I had coming up, but before I could go in for the blood clot panel testing, I got very sick with bronchitis about 3 weeks after my miscarriage and since my immune system was already very weak from the miscarriage, it really took its toll on me.  I suddenly started having panic attacks. I had no idea what was happening, I didn’t think I was having panic attacks, I actually thought I was dying. Over those few months, not addressing the issues, I sunk myself deeper until finally I scared myself and my family enough that I sought treatment for the panic, anxiety and depression. Everyday I am moving past the losses and grief and I can slowly see my life coming back and I feel healthier mentally than I have in over a year, and hopefully over the next few months physically I will be stronger.

Since the blood clot test got put on hold for a few months, I finally went in to have it done and was ready to face whatever the outcome would be. I knew that there was some kind of blood disorder and figured it would be one of the ones that had been found in several family members. However, I was diagnosed with the rare Factor II. I don’t know much about it yet, but I will be seeing a perinatalogist next week to find out more information and eventually find out what my options and treatment will be.

Even though I have my good days and bad days, I try to be as optimistic as I can and believe that I have gone through what I have gone through for a reason. It has made my husband and I stronger people because we’ve gone though it. Even though some days I wonder what the future will bring, I know deep down I was meant to be a mom. I consider myself a mother now to two angels and keep hoping that I will get to be a mom again someday, whenever God wills it to be so.

 

You can contact Nicole at missniki78@hotmail.com

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Comments

  1. Christa says:

    I am so sorry for your losses. You are very strong. I admire your courage to search for answers, I can imagine that wouldn’t be an easy thing to do. I hope you get very good results from the specialists. I can relate with the panic and anxiety and depression. Going through these kinds of losses can really take a lot out of you mentally. I give you so much credit for taking care of yourself.

  2. I am so sorry for your losses. I also have not been taking care of my mental health since Liam died at 18 weeks gestation. I have panic attacks and freak outs way too often. It is hard to admit but it my truth. Sometimes anxiety medication (which I used to be against)) can be the only way through. I wish you the best.

    lookitsjessica.blogspot.com

  3. i just read your story and wanted to say i am sorry for the loss of your little angels.we are in a club that none of us to join on our own but we sure can become better because of it.we stand tall and proud of our little ones who now are angels..i have one little girl amanda faith wooten that was born sleeping 2 weeks away from her due date due to me getting really sick then i also lost a baby when i was about 7-8 weeks pregant.i didnt know i was pregant until i started to have the miscarriage.so i had thta scock to deal with as well.i am glad your doing better & i hope you find the right answers you need and get help thta can help get you a precious healthy baby home in your arms.i will be praying for you & your husband..(hugs) drema

  4. I am so sorry for the losses you have suffered. I also lost my baby at 9 weeks. The only evidence I have that I was even pregnant at all is the sonogram picture that is now fading. I was able to see my baby’s heartbeat at 6 weeks. I had been spotting through the whole time I was pregnant. On Aug 12 2008 on a beautiful sunny summer day the spotting turned into bleeding. And without a cramp or pain or warning of any kind my baby was gone. And my heart shattered into a billion pieces. I was 38 years old at the time and it was my very first pregnancy. I thought this was my miracle because I had wanted a baby for so long and never got pregnant. 3 years later my heart is still broken and my womb remains empty. There are days when I don’t get out of bed. I have to force myself to act like I’m ok around family and friends because they don’t understand the level of grief that you feel when you lose something so precious. I pray that you will be blessed and you will have the family you want and deserve.

  5. Niki thank you for sharing your story I to suffered a tubal pregnancy after many months of trying to get pregnant unfortunately the tubal pregnancy ruptured my tube at 8 weeks along and had to have emergency surgery because I had internal bleeding they had to take my tube I have stopped ovulating on the other side after many years of hoping for a child I have come to the idea that I will never be able to have my own child. I just keep thinking that hopefully god has bigger plans for me it has taken many years to over come this I am currently 33 years old and I keep thing that if god intended me to have a child hopefully he will give me one but it has been an emotional struggle for many years I wish you all the luck in the wold and know I am always here if you need to talk.

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