Heather

Mom to 8 angels

December 2008

March, May, September 2009

March, June, September 2010

May 2011

Alexandria, VA

I believe that we sometimes find ourselves in a place that never occured to us as possible. We prepare ourselves for so many things, “girding our loins” so to speak for many different scenarios….yet this one never truly seems to be a possibility. 

I married the love of my life 2 weeks after we met, and our daughter was conceived immediately. To me two lines on a test meant a baby was on its way. She was everything and the only thing that I had ever truly done right. Yet as is the case with any 18 year old impetuous enough to marry a virtual stranger….life was not easy. Our marriage and lives were so very fragmented. He was in the military and though older than me, not nearly old enough to deal with what we blindly began. When my daughter was just past two, and we were holding on so desperately to our marriage….I proposed the idea of another baby. Just like that, there we were again. Yet I had no idea what was in store. At 8 weeks pregnant, dilating and bleeding I was placed on bedrest. I struggled for another 23 weeks to hold onto my son, and impatient as he continues to be, he came into this world screaming at 31 weeks. His lungs however, they were not quite so ready. Into the life of the NICU we valiantly strode…translated to mean,…crying and scared out of my mind I clung to the idea that he would be fine. And eventually he was….but during those weeks when I was told he might die, I made what would be the last mistake regarding my uterus. Twenty two is such a mature age after all, tying my tubes while scared out of my mind seemed perfectly rational. Now my son spent the next 2 years so very sick,and an oxygen tank became part of my home decor. Then one day he woke up, and was perfectly fine….I knew that I was blessed.

Yet I started crying when I woke up from my surgery, and though I hid my tears…my devastation at such a choice was undeniable. My husband and I had seperated by this point, and I had joined the army. In the medical field now my deployment to Afghanistan was inevitable and very quick. I try not to focus much on what happened over there, it was all terribly overwhelming and words just dont seem sufficient. But never the less, I lost something. Returning home I started searching for that, and found that though three years had passed in our time apart….my husband was my home. So to him I went.

One night had us talking about regrets, and I spilled mine. That led us to a reversal doctor in Mexico. After of course, the two years of saving. In June of 2008…I was WHOLE again. Waiting the required 3 months, we began to try for a child….While in LOVE, mature, and finally so ready. I got pregnant almost immediately, yet that immature belief that two lines mean a baby clung to me like the faith that is found only in the unbroken. Bleeding immediately I listened as the doctors broke my chances down to numbers. That baby left me in December of 2008, at just past five weeks. We started trying again in January and by March two lines again! Everyone kept telling me how loss doesn’t often touch you so soon. My chance of miscarriage was so slim, and I raged as again, my baby left. In May another soul touched and left and in June, I had surgery to determine what could be going on. They found two submucousal fibroids, and as these are the only to cause infertilty, declared this the problem! Finally an answer. In september however, I lost my fourth baby. So began the medication and infertility testing gauntlet. I was given a bit of a break, so In march of 2010, we were pleasently suprised with pregnancy number 5! My numbers actually doubled as they should, at five and a half weeks we saw a baby. At six weeks in the ER for bleeding, severly dehydrated with a raging infection I was informed that my baby was gone. This was the hardest loss to date, but anything worth having is worth the fight….or so I kept telling myself. Three IUI’s and two miscarriages later I couldnt find myself anymore. My husband went back into the military and we transfered to one of 3 duty stations with an IVF program. I was geared up to keep fighting, yet somehow decided against proceeding. Who pays for a miscarriage after all, I would not be that woman who couldnt leave it alone. But I was finally ok. So I spoke to my husband about prevention, and he said we would talk about it later. That night I got pregnant. I found out on easter, somehow it seemed a sign. I refused all testing but a confirmation blood test, deciding that it was far better to let go and let God. God took my baby home on Mothers day. My 8th angel.

I am almost 30, they have tried many medications that have done many lovely things to me, including taking my dignity and health. Now we have turned down my immune system in the off chance that my own body is killing that which I hold most precious. I have set my birthday as the end of this road and can’t help but grieve all over again because I must give up. The losses seem to choke me half the time, but the worst part is that in all of this I have lost my ability to find a grand design in anything. My connection and belief in God seems to have left with my children unborn. I am so very thankful for my two healthy children, but so angry that upon learning of my own personal hell, people see the need to tell me this. Of course they are the only best thing I have ever done, but why is so wrong to wonder who my others would have been? I would love to be able to wax spiritual and show some great lesson in my experience…. but as I too am now the face of loss, I show you the only face I have

Heather blogs at http://upnnglwngs.blogspot.com/

Contact her at kreadyheather@hotmail.com

 


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Comments

  1. Diana says:

    God bless you! It is hard for anybody to understand your pain or how much love you want to give, and the void left when that little being doesn’t come to be. It is ok to be angry with God, to question Him, just always remember the blessings in your life and know that you will someday meet those little angels. He has given you the strength to get thru this and if it is His will you will be a mother again, and that child will know more love than you could have ever given before.

  2. Heather says:

    Now baby makes 9…angels that is. This time I made it quite further. Within 5 days of lowering the dosage on my meds (even though I tried so hard to get them too)my baby started fading away. I ended up with a missed miscarriage, and an infection from fetal tissue.

  3. Heather says:

    and 11…just last month. I am a study patient now at NIH, and will try just once more…I do not have it in me for any more loss. I have felt some what compelled on this journey, as if Gods plan has somehow led me down this road. Through all of this, I still believe that,…whether I ever carry a child to term within me or not. I know my true strength, I find comfort and reverence more easily now. Whether it was a journey for our “lost” child,…or a trial for my true self…there is truly grace in this,…that I have to believe

  4. Hannah says:

    I understand how you feel about people telling you you already have kids. I had miscarriages before my 2 kids and when my firstborn “earth child” I guess you could say everyone expected me to be happy because now I had a baby I could hold and care for but I still had and always will have a void in my heart from my lost babies.

  5. Heather says:

    And #12 was stuck in my left Fallopian tube,…bleeding internally and an infection due to fetal tissue had me in the OR at the end of last September,…cut from hip to hip,..they took the tube and baby…who rests in an urn next to my bed, the only baby I was able to bring home in all the losses. In January was a spinal fusion (from an injury in Afghanistan) that is not going well, so my dream and journey for my rainbow is over. I don’t know anyone like me,…12 seems like such an unreal number,…and the doctors suspected 2 sets of twins,..so possibly 14 angels,…I just passed my last due date with no baby,…I pray. (Still have one tube,..I am done trying,…but there really is no point in doing anything surgically) ….there are days I can barely breath,..and a few moments when the last 5 years does not weigh me down…there are enough of those moments to help me put one foot in front of the other. I know the journey is over,…and I did not succeed,..but above all else, the cost was too high,…pieces of my heart are forever missing,..and I will never be the same.

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