Amy

Mom to Kevin Scott Smith

May 19, 2011

Kingston, New York

I always knew I wanted to be a mother. I also knew the journey would be a difficult one. For as long as I can remember I was told I would need help in becoming a mother. I have P.O.S. Poly cystic ovary syndrome. So you could imagine my shock when my boyfriend Scott and I found out we were pregnant.  I remember almost being in denial about the whole thing. On January 28,2011 we had our first ultrasound, everything looked great. We were told we should see an Internal Fetal Medicine Specialist due to my P.O.S.  We had ultrasounds every 3 weeks. I loved watching my baby grow and move around like crazy! Everything was going great, I had no morning sickness, no pains of any kind just the occasional heartburn. We were both completely healthy.
On April 3, 2011  we headed to the doctors with the hope of finding out the sex of our little miracle.  I remember laying there while they jiggled my belly in hopes the baby would turn around, after about 20 minutes the baby flipped around and the doctor yells out ” its a little girl.”   My boyfriend and I looked at each other and smiled. We were almost positive we were having a boy, but a girl was just as wonderful.  May came and I was excited about my up coming birthday on the 15th . I remember a week before my birthday I began to feel the “flutters”, it was the greatest feeling ever, I was so excited. My birthday was on a Sunday and I remember saying to my friend on Friday  I haven’t felt any flutters lately, I thought nothing of it since we were seeing the doctor on Tuesday  for an ultrasound.

Tuesday May 17, 2011 will never be the same for me.  I was excited for the ultrasound and that this was the first one my mom was able to come to.  We arrived at my appointment and the doctor put the probe on my belly. I looked over at the screen and saw that the baby was laying in the same position it was in at an ultrasound we had 6 days earlier for a heart scan.  I had a feeling something was wrong, as the doctor moved the probe around I could see on his face something wasn’t right. He tells me ” I cant get the baby to move.” He then sends my mom and I over to see my OBGYN. On the way I began to freak out,  I called Scott in a panic, ” the baby’s not moving!” I cried. When we arrived at my OBGYN’s office ,  Scott was already there waiting.  My doctor comes in and immediately begins an ultrasound, she makes no sound and doesn’t look at me. I knew right then this was bad. She tells me she’s having a hard time looking and to head over to the hospital for a better view. I cant take this, why isn’t someone telling me whats going on! We rush over to the hospital and are sent right down to radiology. Yet again another ultrasound. I griped Scott hand as they begin.  The baby is still in the same position. The tech pulls up the heart beat screen, Nothing!  He looks at me and I knew instantly my baby wasn’t alive.

I was sent home to wait until our OBGYN appointment the next afternoon.  Waiting was torture, I knew the child inside me wasn’t alive and yet i had to carry her around. I cried until their was no more tears left inside my eyes. I held onto my belly for what would be the last time.

May 18, 2011 we were admitted into the hospital. I remember walking into the maternity ward and hearing all the babies crying and knowing I would never hear mine.  I was immediately induced and the waiting began. I listened to other family’s and their babies all night and wished my situation was different.
May 19,2011  My time being pregnant was coming to an end. I dreaded every passing hour, I couldn’t give birth for the first time and not take my baby home, the thought was unbearable. By 1pm I was fully dilated and ready to go, by 1:10 my baby was born. To everyone’s surprise my little girl was actually a little boy!  Kevin Scott Smith weighed 8.5 ounces and was 10 inches long.  We were then told his umbilical cord had knotted and had cut off his oxygen. They asked if we wanted to hold him, he looked just like his father, down to every detail.  We got to keep him in our room for as long as we wanted. Our parents got to share this moment with us and it was very special.

We may have only been pregnant for a short time but we will always be the parents of our little angel. Not a day goes by that we don’t think of him, and wish things had gone differently.  I know one day  we will have our family, and I know my baby boy is with me every where I go. Mommy and Daddy love you and miss you very much!

Amy can be contacted at the_mimi_21@hotmail.com

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Comments

  1. Diana says:

    God bless you & your family!

  2. Stefanie says:

    I am so sorry for your loss. I understand your pain. I lost my son at 38 weeks for reasons unknown. I imagine you made lasting memories of him as you held and spent as much time with him as you could. Those are the memories that will take you through your grief. The pain of loosing a child doesn’t ever go away, it only gets more manageable. Please know that you are not alone in your journey. We are all here for you. Anytime you need to talk…

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