Amber

Mom to Adalyn Paige

Born still on February 26th, 2011

Waverly, Ohio

Finding out I was pregnant was the scariest and happiest moment of my life. I had been dating my now husband, Jeff, for about three years and we had just moved in together. I was on birth control and just starting to plan our wedding. Getting pregnant at that time was a complete shock for us. After I took my test and Jeff and I talked about everything, we were excited to have a little family.

I had my first appointment made and it wasn’t for a few weeks, but I started spotting a bit and I made an emergency appointment with my doctor and got in that same day. I was 5 weeks and 5 days pregnant. They did an ultrasound and the baby was fine. After that, I had a healthy and normal pregnancy besides morning/day/night sickness the whole time.

A few weeks later, I went to the doctor and I got to hear the heartbeat for the first time. It was 156 and was the best sound ever. I also had another ultrasound done. The baby looked so small and healthy. My doctor said everything looked and sounded fine and that my pregnancy was healthy and normal.

In October 2010, I was around 19 weeks, I went for my gender ultrasound and found out I was having a baby girl. Jeff and I had discussed names since the day I found out I was pregnant and we named our daughter Adalyn Paige. I was so excited to have a baby girl. I always wanted a little girl.

Three months passed and I was around 8 months pregnant. I was having contractions and I needed to go to the emergency room. I was in so much pain. It was in January and there was a level 3 snow emergency out and the roads were covered in ice. Jeff called the ambulance and I went to the emergency room. My doctor wasn’t there at the time, so I saw the doctor on duty. She told me I was just having Braxton hicks contractions and that I was fine. They gave me some medication to stop the pain and the next day she sent me home.

About a week later, I had a doctor’s appointment and Adalyn wasn’t moving a lot so my doctor did a non stress test on me and Adalyn started kicking me like crazy. I thought she was going to pop through my belly. We decided I would be induced Friday February 25, 2011 at 7:00 a.m. I had my baby shower and got Adalyn’s nursery finished. Everything was pink, Winnie the Pooh. It looked so cute. I packed the hospital bag and I had her first outfit ready and was so excited for that day to come.

Friday, February 25 finally came and Jeff, my sister Crystal and I went to the hospital. I got signed in and they put me in a room and hooked me up. When they put the heartbeat monitor on me, they couldn’t find Adalyn’s heartbeat. They looked for about 15 minutes. Then they called my doctor in he came in with an ultrasound machine and started doing an ultrasound. When he was looking at it I saw the tears in his eyes. He looked and Jeff and I and said “I’m so sorry, Adalyn has no heartbeat.” I started screaming and crying.

I didn’t know what to do but hold on to Jeff and my sister and say that the machine was messed up and that my baby was fine. I started blaming myself saying I did something wrong. I was asking my doctor what I did wrong. My doctor stayed in the room and talked to me about everything. He told me that her passing wasn’t my fault and that I didn’t do anything wrong. He told me that we could wait to be induced so I could call my family and they could come to the hospital. Calling my family and Jeff’s family was so hard, especially my grandma because we had just lost my grandpa less than 6 months before I gave birth. Around noon, everyone was at the hospital and my doctor came in and we talked about my choices: if I wanted c-section or to have Adalyn naturally. I decided to have her naturally. He also talked to me about Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep, support groups, and asked if I wanted to see Adalyn and if I wanted to hold her. After my doctor, Jeff, and I talked about all of my choices, he induced my labor. I was in and out of sleep the whole time so I don’t remember much. I do remember Jeff being by my side the whole time except when his mom took him to get something to eat and then I had my best friend Andy and my grandma Rose on each side of me.

After about 15 hours, it was time to push Adalyn out, and I wanted to just give up and get a c-section. I knew she wouldn’t cry so I didn’t want to push her out. I kept telling everyone I couldn’t do it, I couldn’t push and I wanted a c-section. They all told me that I could do it and that it wasn’t going to be much longer. I started pushing the whole time I had Jeff, my mother in-law, my grandma, and both of my sisters in the room telling me I could do it. My doctor told me I had one more push and I remember thinking “Please cry, Please cry, Adalyn. Please cry for mommy,” but she came out and she didn’t cry.

My doctor laid her on my chest and I started screaming. She was so perfect and so beautiful. She was born February 26, 2011 at 5:45 a.m. She weighed 6 pounds 1 oz. and was 19 inches long. After they weighed her and cleaned her up, I got to hold her. I just wanted her to breathe and cry. I just wanted to nurse her. I held her in my arms all morning. The nurse gave me a memory box filled with a strand of Adalyn’s hair, birthing rings, a poem, and a few little things. I also got to keep the two blankets Adalyn was wrapped in.

A volunteer from Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep came in and took her photos. After she took Adalyn’s pictures, she gave her back to me and I held her the entire time. My mother in-law and my father in-law came in to see us. It was the first time my father in-law had seen Adalyn. The nurse took Adalyn and put her under the light while Jeff and I were hugging them. He walked over to her and he said, “She is beautiful.” I asked him if he wanted to hold her. He picked her up and held her. He and I are the only two people who held her. Jeff couldn’t hold her; he was too upset.

My doctor came in and talked to Jeff and me about getting an autopsy done on Adalyn. He and I talked about it and even though I was blaming myself, we decided to get one done. We wanted to know what happened to our baby. I got to hold her for about six hours until the nurse came in and told me she needed to take her. I cried so hard when she took Adalyn out of my arms. I didn’t want her to go. I didn’t want to leave my baby girl. I gave her a kiss and told her I loved her and gave her to the nurse.

After that, the doctor came in and talked to me about depression and told me that I would be put on anti depressants and that I would need someone to stay with me at all the times because I was being put on suicide watch.

I got home and my sisters, my brother in-law and my cousin got everything of Adalyn’s out of the house. I didn’t want anything to be there when I got home. I wouldn’t be able to take it. Being home without my baby was so hard, I just wanted to die. I wanted to be like the other moms who don’t get to sleep, I wanted to watch my baby fall to sleep, and I wanted to hear my baby cry. Jeff and I would go to bed with Adalyn’s blanket between us and just cry.

Adalyn’s funeral was Tuesday March 1, 2011, one of the hardest days of my life. I never thought I would be burying my baby. Her funeral was beautiful, even though I could hardly control myself. I was in tears the entire time. I just wanted to pick her little casket up and run.

After the funeral, the next few months didn’t get any better. I was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I would wake up screaming in the middle of the night. My husband had to go back to work, so I would be alone at night and I wouldn’t fall back to sleep after that. I didn’t sleep until my husband came home from work and then I slept all day.

I had my doctor’s appointment for the autopsy and tests results. I was so scared and nervous. I had been waiting for these results. I was still blaming myself, so this would help me a bit. My doctor came in and did a normal check up on me and then he told me that the autopsy and test results came back normal and the placenta was small, so they also sent it away for testing and that came back normal. They said it could’ve detached but they wasn’t 100% sure. I didn’t know what to say. I was happy that Adalyn didn’t have anything wrong with her and that I was healthy, but then I just started blaming myself even more because I didn’t know what I did wrong. My doctor told me that the cord could’ve wrapped and unwrapped, but there were no marks on her neck. Not knowing why my baby passed away inside of me kills me everyday because there are times I still blame myself and just want to die so I can be with my baby already. Then there are other days I know that I will be with her one day and she is proud of me for all that I am doing. No matter how many years go by, or if I have any more children, Adalyn will always be my baby girl. She is my little angel and I love her with all my heart.

You can contact Amber at tacketta27@yahoo.com

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Comments

  1. Sunni Garman says:

    Im so sorry for your loss. I really connected with your story, its sounds alot like mine. My daughter passed away Nov 18th 2010, she was a stillborn at 38 weeks. My pregnancy was very normal as well. My husband and daughter were in the waiting room when I found out, I remember the doctor walking out to them and saying “Its not good”. After so many years of fertility treatment and finally getting pregnant with this miracle child I couldnt understand why this happened to me. Somedays its hard to be strong but always remember you are not alone, there are other moms out there that are willing to help you through this difficult time.

    • Thank you!And I am soo sorry about your Angel. It just kills me when a pregnancy is perfect and this happens we dont deserve it at all.

  2. Hi Amber, I had the same experienced 16 years ago, with a baby girl, at the same time of pregnancy and her heart also stopped!. My placenta was clotted and she could not breath anymore. As you see, you are not alone and only time is going to help you to ease the pain you are feeling now. Try and have more babies but check with your doctor first and see what kind of treatment you may have, because it might happen again, be careful!. We don’t know our bodies 100%!. Advice?. Get busy, do what you like the most, pray, read, and if you feel depressed anytime, any day, just email me and we can talk, chat, say whatever you have in your heart at that moment!. You are not alone!!!!

    • Thank you! And I am sorry about your Angel. Alot of people have problems with the placenta it seems like. Also My doctor said I am okay to start trying when I want to He said ill have to go to the doctor 2 times a week and they will give me steroids to help the babies lungs develope faster and everything

  3. Tricia Cunningham says:

    Youa re in my prayers. I’m so very sorry for your loss, You truly aren’t alone, I lost my twin boys (Ryan & Joshua) almost 7 years ago and although you learn to live with the pain they are never far from your mind or heart. ((hugs))

  4. HI Amber,
    It is amazing how similar our stories are. My little colleen-mae was still born at 38 weeks on 16 FEB. She is my first child and i too had a perfect pregnancy. One day she was fine…the next no heartbeat…and still no reasons either. My heart is with you “sister” and i hope that by being there for each other we will be able to get through this. HUGS,
    LIlma

    • I am sorry for your loss! I am sorry I havent replied. Hopefully we can get through this I am still stressed and depressed about it I dont know what to do some days

  5. Donna Ledlie says:

    I know that ache although my son was only 7 months along the day he died was thanksgiving and not one comes that I don’t think of him .I know their is a purpose to all the suffering but zone still question why it will be 31 years in Nov .O can still feel the coldness wash over me and he was syillbotn.I still see him ..smell him .she for him.But he sent me his sister the next year for which I am grateful.I have just got to the point where I have to trust in God and pray to be with him again someday.I still tear up..still get angry but still look forward to the other blessings god has given me in this journey .Don’t close yourself off in darkness.Your happy days will come.You will never forget but I am sure she is smiling down on you now saying momma live until we are together again .Your happiness is meant to be sweetheart .Allow yourself that.Love you. Always here if you need anything.

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