Mom to Karley Jean Homan-Martin

October 16th, 2003

Crestwood, Illinois

I always knew that I wanted to be a mother, a mother of three beautiful healthy children.  My boyfriend and I had an unexpected pregnancy.  I, being only 18 when we found out, was a little nervous at first.  After it settled in and it became more routine to talk about the pregnancy started to be happy about it. 2-23-04 was my due date.

I had a pretty rough first 4 months of my pregnancy, always sick (the bathroom was my new best friend). I’d go to the OBGYN regularly and always have good results, nothing out of the ordinary, no signs of any problems. October 15, 2003 was a night that I will NEVER forget.  Such a horrible night.  I can remember just like it was yesterday, the amount of back pain I was in, trying to sleep it away but couldn’t.  I awoke around 5am on the 16th, went to the bathroom and saw that I had passed a blood clot.  My mom was on the computer before work so I went and told her how much pain I was in and that I had just passed a clot.  She woke up my father and off to the hospital we went.  Mom had to go to work.  On the way I’m calling my boyfriend to let him know what’s going on he was already 45min away on his way to work. Barely making it up the ramp at the hospital they brought me a wheel chair.

After sitting in the hallway at the hospital they finally put me in an exam room.  My boyfriend arrived at the hospital.  After being examined it was clear that something wasn’t right.  More and more doctors were coming in and out of the room.  The look on the doctors faces, the blood on their gloves, I just knew something bad was about to happen.  I started crying my eyes out, freaking out, wishing this was all just a dream and that the doctors really just didn’t tell me that I am 7cm dilated and that I was going to have this baby really fast.  I get on the phone to call my mom, who rushes to the hospital from work.  They started IV’s gave me an epidural, tried their best to keep me calm.

Not knowing if I was about to deliver a son or daughter, all I could think is that I hope it’s big enough to live.  So the doctor comes in ready for me to deliver my baby, she pulls the sheet up and surprise my daughter, Karley Jean was already out. She was breathing which was a little bit of relief, but so tiny weighing in at only 9oz and only 9 1/2 in long.  They cleaned her up and brought her over for me to hold.

There I am holding my daughter in the palm of my hand (literally).  What was supposed to be a “happy” time, turned out to be the worst day of my life.  The doctors took me into recovery leaving my daughter behind with my family and my boyfriend’s family.  After recovery I got to go back in my room and hold my baby, take pictures, she was christened; they took her tiny little footprints.  Tried to make the best of a very bad situation.  My daughter took her last breath just 4 hours after she was born.  And just like that she was gone, gone up to heaven.

To go into the hospital pregnant, and leave the next day to go home and plan my daughters wake and funeral just tears me up inside, even to this day it hurts.  The services went about a good as expected.  I still have a hard time dealing with her death, I don’t feel like I need to open up and let anyone know how I’m feeling, because no one will ever know how it feels inside.  No one can say the right words, if there are right words to be said.  I know God needs angels up there, but I don’t understand why he would want a mother to feel like this.  Leaving all these unanswered questions.  Was it something I did, or didn’t do? I often cry at night wishing my baby was here where she belongs.

After they got all the test results in, they said the reason of Karley’s premature birth was because my uterus wasn’t strong enough to hold the weight of the baby.  Days went by, turned into months and years and 7 years later it still feels just like yesterday.  I haven’t tried to get pregnant again, as her father and I went our own ways shortly after we lost our precious daughter, Instead of coping together, we did it alone.  Not being willing to talk about my loss has lead me to be depressed.

One day we will reunite <3…..love you baby girl.

You can contact Michelle at shell1428@aol.com

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  1. Suzanne H says:

    I too lost my baby girl due to premature birth. She was born at 23 weeks on 4/14/07. I know exactly what you mean about it being the worst day of your life – second being the day I left the hospital empty handed. Sadly, the pain never goes away but it does lessen with time. You have to hold out hope that you will have a beautiful, healthy baby. I was fortunate enough to have a healthy son 1 1/2 years later. He is the light of my life! You will find the light again. You have to find the assistance you need – counseling, grief group, etc. – and get through for Karley’s sake. She wouldn’t want her Mommy to struggle; she would want you to be happy. Like I said, you never, ever forget and never, ever heal 100% but you can be happy again. Good luck.

  2. I’m so sorry for your loss. Many many prayers!

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