Erin

Mom to Baby Able

Lost to Miscarriage December 2010

Davenport, Iowa

Let me say that first… I can’t believe that I am telling my story. For some reason I thought I would always keep it to myself and hide it away in my memory only for myself. But after reading all the stories of HOPE on the Faces of Loss Website, I thought it was time to share my story in hopes that I can help a woman get through what I have to say has been the hardest thing I have ever had to get through in all my life. With that being said… here you go.

I am the mother of two beautiful girls (ages 8 and 6). I am also the wife to my best friend and rock, Chad. Last May we decided that we wanted to add another child to our already wonderful life. After having made sure that my body was ready or could take another pregnancy (age 35), I wanted to make sure that I was in tip top shape. I had the all clear from my doctor that everything looks good, and expected nothing less than a healthy, full term pregnancy. We tried for a few months and found out that I was indeed pregnant on October 23rd, 2010. I know this sounds crazy… but I was shocked, although I was extremely excited. My husband (who at the time was a stay at home dad) was over the moon! He was so excited, looking forward to everything that comes with having a new baby!

About a week after we found out I was pregnant, we decided to tell the girls (big mistake). The reason we decided to tell them was because mood swings had been starting and the morning sickness was only getting worse and they knew that something was wrong with me. They were SO excited. We told them to keep it a secret until we told family but that didn’t happen… they were too excited and told everyone we ran into. My oldest daughter said her prayers had been answered. So on November 1st I made my first official appointment for December 7th (this is when I should have been 10 weeks). I honestly couldn’t wait for the day to come. I really wanted to make sure everything was going all right and just get that comfort from the doctor. Up until my first appointment I had been having horrible morning sickness although it really was all day sickness. I had experienced this with both pregnancies before so I thought everything was going according to the plan.

The morning of my appointment my husband and I dropped the girls at school and went to the appointment. We were both so excited, couldn’t wait to hear the baby. While waiting for the doctor my husband and I were talking about the blood tests I had had the Saturday before and talking about the glucose test that I had drank that morning in preparation for the appointment. The nurse drew blood and then the doctor came in for the “routine” visit. We talked for many minutes about health history, found out my due date was July 1, 2011, and all the other necessary topics you talk about, then she asked if we had heard the heartbeat yet… oh the moment I was waiting for… I said no… then she proceeded to search for the heartbeat. She couldn’t find it… seriously… she can’t find it… I am panicking at this point but trying to hide my panicking from my husband. The doctor then tells us that she would like to get an ultrasound… from that moment on I knew something was not right… call it mother’s intuition but I just knew something was NOT right. We made the appointment for the ultrasound for that afternoon…

My husband went to the ultrasound with me, reassuring me that everything is going to be all right, and that “they just want to make sure there is only one baby in there not two.” The ultrasound tech (who happened to be the grandmother of a fellow student of my eldest daughter) was a wonderful woman.  To this day I still feel so bad for her (as she is the one to deliver the news to us). As she started doing the ultrasound, I was watching the screen and could tell that the baby was not measuring the way it should. The monitor only said 6 wks. 3 days. By now I should have been 10 wks. 2 days. I started to cry…not just cry but sob. My husband (who couldn’t see what I could see) was freaking out because I was sobbing and he didn’t understand why. He asked “what is wrong?” All I could say to him was… it is not good. The Ultrasound Tech then said to my husband and I that she was going to talk to the doctor and she would be right back. I knew when she got back I would get some very bad news! She then had me talk to my doctor over the phone who told me that my baby’s heart had never started and that they call this “fetal demise”. I started sobbing again louder and louder and all I wanted to do was get the hell out of there! I then told my husband what she said. I looked over at the US Tech and she was crying… we were all crying! I was truly in shock! I couldn’t believe this! This was not supposed to happen to me or to my beautiful family! My husband and I left the room and went home to face the hardest moment in our marriage together.

The last five months have been a true trial for me. I questioned everything and everyone. I didn’t understand how God could do such a thing to me and my husband. Now I am finally lifting from the fog and getting my life back. I am being the mother, wife, daughter, sister I need /want to be. This is something I will never forget. My angel baby will forever be in my heart!

You can contact Erin at Ehagerman2009@hotmail.com

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Comments

  1. Heather says:

    Many prayers that you are able to come even more out of the fog soon. I had a similar experience, and it was certainly a tough trial in my life.

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