Mom to Silas Max

March 8th, 2011

Petaluma, California

My husband and I were just ecstatic to find out I was pregnant, surprised, but very very happy.  I had an incredibly easy pregnancy in comparison to other women.  No morning sickness, leg cramps, weird food cravings or aversions.  I definitely got very fatigued in the early months and late months of pregnancy, but that was it.  Women told me the last couple of months were the worst, but those were my favorite because I got to feel without a doubt my little boy, Silas, kicking around and dancing in my belly everyday.  He also had hiccups on a pretty regular basis.  On most days, I sang to Silas, my regular songs were “good night sweetheart” or “you are my sunshine.”  At night, I would read him a story before we went to bed or Nate would make up a fairytale and lay his head on my belly and tell the story to our little boy.  We just couldn’t be happier and we eagerly anticipated the day that he was born.

However, Silas was a stubborn baby, just like his momma.  He just was not ready to come out.  He passed his due date of Feb 21st and I started to get daily acupuncture because I heard that it could help induce labor and I really wanted to have a natural childbirth and was worried that I would have to be induced by the doctors, which I ended up having to do anyways…

On March 6th (two weeks after my due date) I checked into the hospital at 8pm to start the induction process.  The nurses gave me some sort of gel to put on my cervix to “ripen” it.  Well, I began having contractions right away and was not able to sleep at all throughout the night.  The next morning the doctor checked in on me and I started a Pitocin drip (this was at about 9am on March 7th).  I was on a low dose of the Pitocin and started to have pretty intense back contractions.  They continued to come almost back to back and I was in a lot of pain, but I had a great support team consisting of my husband, my doula, my mom, and her wife.  Periodically the doctor would check in on me only to find that I had made very little progress, which was shocking since my contractions were sooo strong.  At about 6 or 7pm that night, I began to feel the need to push, the nurses called the doctors and I was still not even close to dilated enough to begin pushing.  I finally decided I had had enough, I asked for the epidural.  I was in so much pain, hadn’t slept in over 24 hours and just needed some rest.  Me and my team finally got some rest for the night.

The next morning, March 8th, the doctor checked in on me around 6am and told me I was finally ready to push my sweet baby out….this is when my world crumbled.  Like I said earlier, Silas was a stubborn baby and just didn’t want to come out.  He was posterior (so facing the wrong way) and was a big baby for my little body (8lbs 10oz), so I had a little difficulty pushing him out of me.  However, Silas was doing fine for the majority of the time.  I pushed for about an hour and a half before his heart rate started to decrease with each contraction.  My doctor determined that we needed to get Silas out quickly.  He used the vacuum extractor to try and suction him out, but it broke twice (or three times, I can’t remember).  Within a half an hour time period, Silas finally popped out with the assistance of the vacuum extractor.  Quickly we knew something was wrong.  We later found out that we lost him in the last five minutes before he was born.  However not right away, as soon as he came out we all made sounds of joy, but immediately after that tiny moment in time we knew something wasn’t right.  My doctor handed Silas to nurses who began CPR, only minutes later there were  tons of nurses and doctors in the room.  I couldn’t see from where I was lying down, but I could hear all of them talking and I was told that there were at least 20 different doctors/nurses who attempted to save him.  For a half an hour, from where I laid, I heard between my own sobs and cries to god to save my baby, the doctors yelling for Epi pens on multiple occasions, counting chest compressions, and many other shouts that were their attempts to bring my son to life.  As my doctor stitched me up I looked at him and watched him shake his head at the other doctors confirming that my son did not make it.  Unfortunately, Nate did not see this.  Several minutes later a doctor brought our son to us and placed him in Nate’s arms.  I watched Nate’s face light up not realizing Silas wasn’t alive, thinking that he must be okay if they gave him to us, and I had to tell him that no, our son had passed.  That was so heartbreaking (as if my heart had not already been ripped and shredded from my chest), seeing in my husband’s face that moment of him being the happiest man on earth holding his son in his arm and then realizing his son had passed, and his face just dropped.  He passed our son to a nurse and we held each other and cried and cried.

Eventually, we were able to hold our son again.  I can remember my surprise at how heavy he was and can still feel the weight of him in my arms.  He was so beautiful.  Nate and I sat together and held him and caressed his beautiful face and played with his toes.  I was in such shock and disbelief that I only held my son for a little while.  I wish I could go back and hold him longer, kiss his face and memorize every part of him, head to toe.

I love my son with every inch of my being and miss him every day.  This is our story.

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  1. I’m so sorry for your loss.

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