Becky

Mom to Will

Born March 5th, 2011

Passed Away April 2nd,2011

Lyman, Wyoming

My name is Becky and I am the mother of my beautiful baby boy, Will, who was born March 5, 2011, and passed away April 2, 2011.

My husband and I got married June 19 2010, and immediately decided we wanted to start a family. In September we found out we were pregnant. Justin was instantly thrilled, but I was scared and worried and didn’t want to get too excited in case I lost the pregnancy. It was an irrational fear that took up much of my time. Our families were skeptical but eventually got excited too.

At 20 weeks we went in for a sonogram and found out we were having a little boy. Seeing my son moving around and seeing his face instantly bonded us. I loved this tiny human being more than anything in the world.

Around 25 weeks or so I started having high blood pressures but nobody seemed to be too concerned about it. At 27 weeks my blood pressure was so high that I had to go into the doctor and have some tests done. My labs came back and they were abnormal and with the elevated blood pressure it was determined I had pre-eclampsia. I was admitted into the hospital and started on a Magnesium Sulfate drip to try to get my blood pressure under control. The hospital I was in wasn’t equipped to deal with preemies and since delivery is the only way to cure pre-eclampsia, I was life flighted to the University Hospital in Utah. I was very very sick and could stroke or have a seizure, or even die, at any time. They admitted me in Utah and checked the baby. He was doing just wonderful. They then turned their attention on me giving me medication to lower my blood pressure, did blood tests, then gave me shots to develop the baby’s lungs. My blood pressure was starting to get better, so they had me on bed rest for the remainder of my stay in the hospital. It was looking like I had a long two months a head of me.

Two days later my blood pressure got out of control and they decided to deliver my baby. I was at 28 weeks gestation. After 23.5 hours of easy labor, my gorgeous 2 lb 6 oz 12 inch little boy was born kicking and screaming. They rushed him to the NICU and let my husband go and see him about when they got him stabilized. He was breathing on his own and had am APGAR score of 9. He was wonderful.

About 3 days later Will stopped breathing. They put him on the ventilator and gave him some time to rest. The next day he was off of it and back on Bubble CPAP. He kept doing amazing for a couple weeks and got moved to a less intensive care room. We were so proud of out little guy.

At two and a half weeks old, Will developed NEC. It was a very mild case and had an Andersen Tube placed in his belly to suck out all the free floating air and was put on anitbiotics. He was back to normal within two days. Justin and I were completely terrified when he was sick. I just couldn’t imagine not having him here.

At 25 days old he was doing amazing and was moved again. We were so elated we couldn’t help but celebrate. But the party was short lived.

The day following the move, Will got NEC again, and this time it was bad. His bowels were leaking into his blood stream and he developed a blood infection. They trasfered him to the children’s hospital next door to perform exploratory surgery to see if any of his bowel had died. If only a small portion had died, they could remove it and he would survive. I never gave up faith and hope. I just knew my little man would be okay. We took him to surgery and waited. What happened next was the worst possible outcome.

Will’s doctor came and told us that all of his bowel had died and there was nothing they could to for him. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t speak. All I could do was sit and cry. How could my little baby who was doing so well just two days before be dying?

We went back to the baby’s room and bathed him and dressed him. They then took him out of the incubator and his entire family took turns holding him. The doctor’s left it up to us to determine when it was time to take him off the oscilator. He was sedated and full of pain medication. He didn’t even know we were there. I wanted him to make it to 4 weeks old. I don’t know why, I just knew it was something we had to do. So we waited. Justin held him and sang to him. We called a photographer from Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep and she took some pictures. At 12:30 a.m. on the 2nd of April, we told the nurse it was time to let him go. They pulled the tubes out and he was free. No tubes, no wires, no alarms. Just us and the beautiful life we brought into this world, and were watching leave it. The photographer came back in and took more pictures. All the while baby Will’s heart kept beating. Finally, at 1:30 a.m., he died in the arms of his father.

The pain and misery and anger I feel inside is indescribable. My whole life is completely derailed and my future is not what we planned it. With pre-eclampsia there’s a high return rate, and I don’t think I can handle any of this chaos to happen again. My first baby, my angel baby, will probably be my last.

 

You can contact Becky at beky_lane@yahoo.com

 

 

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Comments

  1. Melissa says:

    I am very sorry for the loss of your sweet Will.

  2. Kelly J says:

    Just know I am praying for you….. *HUGS MOMMY*

  3. Shanna says:

    What a heartbreaking story! I’m so sorry Becky.

  4. Dear Sweet Becky,
    First let me say how very sorry i am for your loss of your son Will. What alittle fighter Will was.You both must be so proud of him.Your story had me in tears.I am an angel mama to a set of twin boys.(Mark and David) I lost them at 24wks4days.In 1973.Then in 1976 I lost my daughter Amanda at 22wks.Due to a cord accident.The cord was around her little neck so tight that it left a mark on her neck.And then in 1980 i lost my son Cody at 22wks.They never found a reason as to why is little heart just stoped beating.I know my losses were along time ago.But u never forget the day you had to say hello and good bye all in one day.The pain is still there.But nothing like it was when it first happened.And they arent on your mind 24/7.Like it was the first 10 years.It was a very hard time for me.For back then they werent very nice to us loss mama’s.I had a nurse tell me NOT TO TALK ABOUT MY DEAD BABIES.Why,cause NO ONE would want to hear about them.So i never talked of my angels.I was all alone.But thanks to wonderful women on BBC.I for the first time talked about them.And it last they did exsit.And they did have meaning.I am also an angel grandma to now 3 angel grandbabies.My youngest son Carl and his wife Misty also know our pain.They lost there first baby.A boy at 23wks.He had been gone for 3 and a half weeks.But i still wanted to see my beautiful grandson.To most people he wouldnt of looked so beautiful to them.But i could see how beautiful he was.Even tho from him being gone so long.Did alot of damage.But u could see beyond the damage done.KWIM? I think that hurt even more than all my losses.To see your child hurting like u once did.Just killed me inside.My son looked at me with tear running down his sweet face.Mama u cant fix this for me.CANT U????? I lost it and said no baby i cant.All i could do was hold them and talk with them when they wanted to.Well then they had a mc at 9 wks.But they were blessed a year later with a son named Owen.He is now 2 years old.Well about a week before xmas i was told i would be a grandma again.How happy i was.To only have all our dreams taken away in a short time.@ days before new years Misty lost the baby.As u can see i know alot about this pain honey.How i wish i didnt.And i so wish u both didnt have to know this pain.I want to give u so many loving hugs honey.I know your pain is GREAT!!! And i so wish i could take it all away.But i cant honey.This is such a long and painful road to walk.But im going to tell u like i told my children.Please dont give up honey.My other DIL had Pre E.They had to do a c-section.Cause my granddaughter Luciana was in trouble.Yes it is true u could get pre e again.I had pre e with my 3 living sons.But seeing they knew what to watch for.And back in my day.They didnt know half of what they no now.They can control it much better now.And with my last living son.I had NO pre e.And only a small problem with pre with the other two.As u can see God did bless me after all my losses.Had i given up like my family and friends wanted me to.My 3 wonderful loving sons wouldnt be here.As much as it hurt me to lose my angels.I just couldnt stop.I wanted to be mama to a living baby.That is what kept me going.When i look back.I dont know how i made it thru all that pain.It wasnt easy as u know honey.But dont give up on your dream of being a mama to a living baby.And Will would want u to have a brother or sister for him to watch over.Im sorry this is soooooo long.I was praying maybe if u heard my story.U would maybe not give up.My heart is hurting for u so much honey.I really thought Will would make it home.But in my heart i knew better or u wouldnt be here.I pray u can feel Will close to u all the time.Rest in peace sweet baby boy.Stay close to your mama and daddy.Send them your angel kisses when they are sleeping and wipe mama’s tears away for her.Becky i know this world can be very unfair.But know there are women like me who understand and get what it is u are going thru.Im here for u if u ever want to talk or vent.Or u need some loving support.Im here for u.I will keep u and your family in my prayers.Sending u more loving hugs your way.I hope they dont knock u over.Hang in there and take it a day at a time.Also dont let anyone tell u when its enough time to grieve for Will.There is no time limit on grieving.I feel it takes a life time to learn to live without them.And i know many of my friends and family waited for the old me to come back after my losses.Im here to tell u Becky.The old u will never come back.For our angels have taken a big part of us with them.But in time a new u will come.Just as a new normal will come as well.I have so much i would love to say.But i have wrote a book already.Im sorry about that.Your story has really touched my heart.Just know however u are feeling right now.Its very normal.I couldnt even look at a pregnant woman for along time.Let alone a new baby.I one point i hated them all.Cause they got to keep there baby and i didnt.Feelings like this are normal honey.In time u dont feel like that.Well i pray u can find a few moments of peace in your loving heart honey.Again im here for u anytime.My email addy is switch0457@yahoo.com. And on BBC it switsh0457@yahoo.com On BBC i guess switch is a bad word or someone else has it.LOL God bless u and give u the strength u need to get thru this.(Another story about God and how i hated him for years)But know i do really care about u.With lots of love and many hugs

    • Becky R says:

      oh my, i cannot, nor do i wish to, imagine what you have gone through. losing one is bad enough, i cant imagine going through that numerous times. you are so so strong, someday i will find that kind of strength and hopefully build my family more. right now that goal seems so far away. at 20 years old i never imagined to be in this situation. i have had to grow up so much which is both a good and bad thing. when i was a little girl and everyone would ask me what i wanted to be when i grew up, my answer was always a mama. well now i am a mama, just not the way i planned it. i NEED to mother a child. the instinct is so strong in me that i cant live without doing it. its been hard dealing with having to have my son in a different, and dare is say it, not normal way.

  5. Kai says:

    Sobbing for and with you….sending you hugs from another mother who knows the horrible loss you have experienced.

  6. wilda street says:

    hi. my son and daughter in law have lost 2 beautiful angels 18 months apart. bryan died from sids in 1994 and in 1996 his brother tyler died from heart problems so i nkind of know mhow you feel and i am so deeply sorry for your losses. just know they bare watching over you always as mine are. i feel my 2 special angels with me every day , all day and all night. i am praying for you and your family

  7. Christa says:

    I am so very sorry for your loss. Your story is so very touching, I am sobbing reading it. Although my loss was nothing like yours, one statement I heard and always think of is; when a husband loses his wife he is a widower, when a wife looses a husband she is a widow, when a child loses a parent they are an orphan, but there is no word for what a parent is called when they lose a child. The pain is so deep that there is actually no word to describe. I know you do not know what your future holds but God does. I will be praying for you.

  8. Heather M says:

    I just wanted to tell you that I am so sorry for your loss. My son also died at Primary Children’s, so this hits close to home. This is all very fresh for you, so I wanted to thank you for sharing. You will be in my prayers. <3

  9. Jodie says:

    Becky, reading your story was like reliving a recent nightmare. I lost my baby boy Cullen today to NEC. I also was induced at 28 weeks d/t pre-e and he was doing so well and gaining weight the first two weeks and this last two days he developed NEC and we were told by the surgeon that his small bowel was completely destroyed and there was nothing that they could do to save him. We chose to have him brought to us so we could hold him while they took him off the vent. I held him and watched him slip away. I feel like something inside me died along with him today and I don’t know how to deal with that. I so understand what you mean about making it to a month. This Monday would have been four weeks and I told Cullen that we were going to celebrate. I am not sure why this time frame seemed so important, but I just thought if we could make it to four weeks we would be okay. I am so sorry for your loss. The pain I feel I would not wish upon anyone. Reading your post has helped me not feel so alone. Thank you.

  10. Melissa says:

    I lost my baby girl Olivia on July 27 2011 to nec… She fought hard I only knew her for 25days… She was born at 24weeks due to high blood pressure… When she got sick it was so hard, the doctors tried everything but they knew the infection was to bad she would not make it though the operation… My husband and I could not let her suffer anymore… My 9 year old son was so brave when we told him, he asked to hold her so he could be her big brother… I will never forget that moment… She has not been gone for long and my heart hurts still… This is hard for any parent and this infection is so bad… I love my princess peanut… I hate being sad… I could really use someone to talk to… So for all your loses…

  11. Jaclyn says:

    Becky, thanks for sharing your story about Will. Sometimes I feel like the unluckiest person alive. No one has ever even heard of NEC. What a horrible disease. My daughter was born at 32 weeks and died within 12 hours of NEC when she was 5 wks 5 days old.
    Wishing you peace.

    • Becky R says:

      I know what you mean. i didn’t even know what NEC was. Never heard of it. I come from a family where preterm babies are common, and yet nobody know about NEC. First I get HELLP, which you have about a .2-.6% chance of getting, then I deliver my son at 28 weeks, was told he had a 95% survival rate. Well he was part of that unlucky 5%.
      So sorry for your loss. I wouldn’t wish NEC on my worst enemy

  12. Shelly says:

    Aww, I’m so sorry. There is hope though hon. I lost my first baby girl/firstborn on February 1, 2005 when she was 7 1/2 months to a form of NEC, she also had AML (Acute Myologenous Leukemia) which they believe she developed in utero or shortly after birth as a result of her weakened immune system (she was born at 33 weeks, 4 days) also because of severe Pre-e, like you I also had to be airlifted to a major hospital. I’ve subsequently gone on to have 2 healthy, full-term babies (Leonidas Ronald, 4, and Baileyana Nicole, almost 3 1/2 months.) While it is true that once you have Pre-e you have a greater chance of developing it again one thingyou can do to try and prevent it is wait a while before becoming pregnant again, research has shown that the longer you wait the better shot you have for a healthy pregnancy the next time around. I have just over 3 years between the delivery of Kylee and Leonidas and almost 4 years between his and Bai’s births. It is scary but, so worth it in the end.

    To Linda: I’m sorry for yours and your sons losses as well.

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