Meredith

Mommy to Ava Meredith, Our Beloved Twin B

Passed Away April 14th, 2009

Born April 30th, 2009

Modesto, California


During an ultrasound at 12 weeks, my OB asked me, “Are you seeing what I’m seeing?“ The answer to his question, confirmed what I already knew in my heart, and would in fact, change my life forever.
Yep, there were two blobs on the fuzzy screen. We were expecting twins.

My Husband and I were still in shock that we were pregnant again in the first place (our Daughter Jordan was 5 months old at that time!), and to find out that we had twins on the way put us in a state of shock and excitement like no other. All I could do was laugh and cry and tell my Husband “I told you so. I told you there were two”. We told our families and everyone was over the moon, and so excited. Our happiness would be short lived however.

During an ultrasounds at 24 weeks, my twins were diagnosed with stage 2 TTTS. 2 days later, UCSF preformed laser surgery to correct their placenta. The surgery was successful, my babies were flourishing and Easter weekend was coming.
2 days after Easter, during a follow up ultrasound (which I attended alone), the tech was quiet, but I didn’t think anything of it, until she left the room suddenly. The perinatologist came in with “Not all news is good. We lost B”. I can’t tell you what was said after that…I try and remember-but it’s like a dream. Maybe I dreamt this too…but on the way home from that appointment, a lady bug flew into my car through the sunroof and stayed on the dashboard until I pulled up in front of my house, then it simply flew away. (Was that Ava keeping me company on the way home??)

The next 2 weeks were also a blur. One of the twins’ water broke and I was leaking fluid and in and out of Dr.’s offices and the hospital.

Labor started on April 30th 2009 at 28 weeks, and NOTHING was stopping the twins from coming.
Our survivor Kiah Lilly was born at 7:47am weighing 2lbs. 12oz. and was breathing on her own at that time. Our angel Ava Meredith was born at 7:49am weighing 1 lbs. 10 oz.
We had all assumed that Ava passed due to complications from TTTS, but during the delivery, I heard my OB mention something about her cord and the word “strangled”. We were able to spend lots of time with Ava after they were born to hold, kiss and take pictures with her. Her service was a week later, and was small but lovely. We had Ava’s remains cremated and placed in a tiny heart shaped urn that we keep in a glass cabinet here at home. We decorate her cabinet for the seasons/holidays, and have her keepsake boxes and other goodies in there as well. We hold her, and talk to her often, and of course is always included in family pictures.
Immediately following her birth, Kiah started her 12 week stay in the NICU. The 12 weeks we had in the NICU was a rollercoaster ride of a lifetime. Grieving the loss of Ava, and watching my preemie fight for her life everyday for 12 weeks. Feeling constantly guilty for leaving Jordan (almost a year old by then) at home all day to be with Kiah at the hospital and then feeling guilty leaving the hospital to go home. I still don’t know how we made it through those 12 weeks. Perhaps Ava was watching over us, helping us pull through it all.
Kiah is now a walking, talking, almost 2 year old ‘tornado‘. She is feisty and aggressive, but likes to cuddle.
EVERY milestone, Holiday, and DAY in general is bittersweet for us and I can’t seem to navigate through this “new normal” of ours. Everyday I feel ripped off, and short changed. I get more upset when I think of how my daughters will never know their sister, and how Kiah will never get to experience being a twin.
I long to hold my daughter in my aching arms and the sadness is overwhelming. There are days like today, where I put one foot in front of the other, take it day by day and think of ladybugs.

You can contact Meredith at m.smith209@yahoo.com

 

During an ultrasound at 12 weeks, my OB asked me, “Are you seeing what I’m seeing?“ The answer to his question, confirmed what I already knew in my heart, and would in fact, change my life forever.
Yep, there were two blobs on the fuzzy screen. We were expecting twins.
My Husband and I were still in shock that we were pregnant again in the first place (our Daughter Jordan was 5 months old at that time!), and to find out that we had twins on the way put us in a state of shock and excitement like no other. All I could do was laugh and cry and tell my Husband “I told you so. I told you there were two”. We told our families and everyone was over the moon, and so excited. Our happiness would be short lived however.
During an ultrasounds at 24 weeks, my twins were diagnosed with stage 2 TTTS. 2 days later, UCSF preformed laser surgery to correct their placenta. The surgery was successful, my babies were flourishing and Easter weekend was coming.
2 days after Easter, during a follow up ultrasound (which I attended alone), the tech was quiet, but I didn’t think anything of it, until she left the room suddenly. The perinatologist came in with “Not all news is good. We lost B”. I can’t tell you what was said after that…I try and remember-but it’s like a dream. Maybe I dreamt this too…but on the way home from that appointment, a lady bug flew into my car through the sunroof and stayed on the dashboard until I pulled up in front of my house, then it simply flew away. (Was that Ava keeping me company on the way home??)

 

 

 

 

The next 2 weeks were also a blur. One of the twins’ water broke and I was leaking fluid and in and out of Dr.’s offices and the hospital.
Labor started on April 30th 2009 at 28 weeks, and NOTHING was stopping the twins from coming.
Our survivor Kiah Lilly was born at 7:47am weighing 2lbs. 12oz. and was breathing on her own at that time. Our angel Ava Meredith was born at 7:49am weighing 1 lbs. 10 oz.
We had all assumed that Ava passed due to complications from TTTS, but during the delivery, I heard my OB mention something about her cord and the word “strangled”. We were able to spend lots of time with Ava after they were born to hold, kiss and take pictures with her. Her service was a week later, and was small but lovely. We had Ava’s remains cremated and placed in a tiny heart shaped urn that we keep in a glass cabinet here at home. We decorate her cabinet for the seasons/holidays, and have her keepsake boxes and other goodies in there as well. We hold her, and talk to her often, and of course is always included in family pictures.
Immediately following her birth, Kiah started her 12 week stay in the NICU. The 12 weeks we had in the NICU was a rollercoaster ride of a lifetime. Grieving the loss of Ava, and watching my preemie fight for her life everyday for 12 weeks. Feeling constantly guilty for leaving Jordan (almost a year old by then) at home all day to be with Kiah at the hospital and then feeling guilty leaving the hospital to go home. I still don’t know how we made it through those 12 weeks. Perhaps Ava was watching over us, helping us pull through it all.
Kiah is now a walking, talking, almost 2 year old ‘tornado‘. She is feisty and aggressive, but likes to cuddle.
EVERY milestone, Holiday, and DAY in general is bittersweet for us and I can’t seem to navigate through this “new normal” of ours. Everyday I feel ripped off, and short changed. I get more upset when I think of how my daughters will never know their sister, and how Kiah will never get to experience being a twin.
I long to hold my daughter in my aching arms and the sadness is overwhelming. There are days like today, where I put one foot in front of the other, take it day by day and think of ladybugs.
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