Kailee

Miscarriage at 9 Weeks in May 2008

Miscarriage at 9 Weeks in September 2010

Phoenix, Arizona

I was blessed to marry my high school sweetheart and best friend in 2005. During this time I had gone to the OBGYN frequently with abdominal pains, irregular periods, and weight gain. I was diagnosed with PCOS, Stage 1 Endometriosis, and was told my chances of conceiving were going to be tough.

I went through rounds of birth control to help regulate my PCOS, and in December of 2007 I decided I was no longer going to fight the birth control battle. Honestly I thought my chances of getting pregnant were slim. After getting back from a wonderful wedding in California I woke up the next morning and with no symptoms or even missed period, my body told me to take a pregnancy test. When it read positive I almost jumped out of my body. I then took three more and woke my husband because I couldn’t contain my excitement. We were elated. Immediately I noticed my body change, the way I felt was completely different, I can’t really explain it and for the women on this site you understand.

We told everyone we knew and bought all the books you could find. Then one day I woke up and told my husband “I don’t feel pregnant anymore”, I couldn’t explain it I just felt different. I called my doctor and went in for an ultrasound, and there was no heartbeat. The doctor wanted to run tests to see if my hormone levels were increasing like they were supposed to. I received a phone call that morning from the doctor telling me that my hormone levels did not increase and I am in the process of miscarrying, and that I needed to come in to talk about the options I had. I then received a phone call from the same doctor’s office saying that my ultrasound and blood work came back fine, and the lady gave me a due date. I lost it. She immediately backpedaled and apologized, getting the doctor on the phone to explain that wasn’t the case. I ended up going in two days later and having a D&C, because I did not think I could handle waiting to miscarry.  They told me it could take anywhere from days to weeks. My heart was completely shattered, I felt like a failure.

The morning of the D&C I was wheeled in the operating room and the doctor leaned over and said “this will all be over soon”, little did I know the real pain was just about to begin. A day later I was having complications from the D&C and my husband decided to take me to the hospital, on our way we were involved in a hit and run car accident. We both walked away from the accident, but I felt like I was being punished. I felt like GOD was angry with me, like I needed to learn a lesson. As time passed I healed, but went through friend after friend after friend having a baby, and each shower I went to broke my heart just a little bit more. As happy as I was for my wonderful friends and their beautiful children, it reminded me that I had none.

I decided I did not want to try again, and I buried myself in my career thinking that would fill my void. I refilled my birth control and moved forward.

Then in August of 2010 I found out I was pregnant again. I thought “this is such a blessing, unexpected but wanted more than anything in the world.” We decided to wait to tell others until we felt the time was right. At six weeks my husband and I went in for an ultrasound and we saw the heartbeat. As we both sobbed tears of joy the ultrasound technician said “I assume those are tears of relief”. This felt real, I was carrying a child. We told family and friends, I hung the ultrasound pictures on our fridge, and we decided to go on a mini vacation to celebrate. Several weeks later I had a consultation with my doctor, because she was my new OBGYN and she wanted to answer any questions I had. We had just gotten back from vacation Friday and I went in for my appointment. I told my husband he did not need to come because it was just a consult. I shared my story about my previous miscarriage and how worried I am that it could happen again. To put my mind at ease she said she would grab a fetal monitor so I could hear the heartbeat.  After we could not hear a heartbeat through that, she moved me to another room to perform an ultrasound on an older machine. No luck. I was then moved into the ultrasound technician’s office on the advanced machine. She continued to go over and over my stomach, not saying anything. I could see she was trying to find a heartbeat and was unsuccessful. She turned to me and said “you need to go back to the patient room, the dr will be waiting for you.”

As I sat in the room waiting for the doctor my heart was in my stomach. I had just received a text from my husband saying “How’s it going, sweetheart?” I realized two hearts were about to be broken again, mine and his. The doctor entered the room and just looked at me. I said “are you serious?” and she proceeded to tell me there is no heartbeat, and no chance that the baby survived. I was then scheduled for another appointment on Monday to talk options. As I left the office, I contemplated running out in front of traffic. I failed again. I was too ashamed to face my husband, so for an hour I dodged his phone calls and drove around figuring out what I was going to do or how I was going to tell him. As I entered the house sobbing he started crying, he knew what I was about to say. We cried together for about an hour and then talked about the appointment I had on Monday. I shot a text message to friends and family and told them what happened, and to give me my space. I then took a week off of work because I was in no frame of mind to do anything.

After reviewing my options with the doctor, I decided to take the medication to help me expel the pregnancy on my own at home. The medication did not end up working and I had to have a D&C scheduled.

This time they sent the remains from the D&C for chromosome testing, which came back normal, but what crushed me after she gave me that news was this: the fetus was female. Not only did I lose a child, but I lost a little girl. After my follow up appointment I was given a referral to see a specialist for testing. I was angry. I was angry at everybody and everything. I was bitter towards pregnant people, including my sister in law who was pregnant, and delivered my niece on my birthday. It took months before I could hold her without wanting to run away crying. My sister in law is an incredible woman, who suffered through several chemical pregnancies, and struggled to get pregnant.

It breaks my heart to actually admit this, but the feelings were very real.

I am writing this as I am approaching what would have been my due date, and I just gained to courage to go in for testing. I received my results Friday that everything was normal, and that I shouldn’t have a problem. I’m terrified. I’m basically being told that it’s a roll of a dice. I figured if there was something wrong with me I could fix it, we could get a good plan in place and know where we stand. But I feel like I am back at square one. I’m scared, hopeful, sad, angry, you name it I feel it. While I am healing I still have my days.

While each of these devastating moments has scarred me, the one thing it has done was bring me closer to my husband. My husband has been my rock. He has cried with me, mourned with me, and prayed with me. He is the reason why I want children. I want to make a family with him.  Words cannot express how blessed I have to have someone who understands me more than anyone and is there through thick and thin.

My husband and I decided to put our faith in GOD going forward, and that he is in control. While I never got to deliver, hold, kiss, cherish a child, I loved both of those babies with the same undying love I feel for my husband. I will forever have two footprints on my heart.

I hope this letter helps someone who is suffering right now, as I wish I had found this website when I had my first miscarriage. Please feel free to contact me if you need support or would like to offer support as I greatly need that as well.

You can contact Kailee at kaileeannmurphy@gmail.com

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Comments

  1. Sally says:

    I feel so much for you and your husband. Know one truly understands how much pain and love is created from losing a child/ren that doesn’t even have a name yet untill you have been through it yourself. Good luck to you both in your search for a family.

    • Janille says:

      Kailee,

      I cried while reading your story as I too have encountered and felt all those feelings you have felt. I also have endometriosis. I also got married in 2005. I have lost four babies; the last one was a missed miscarriage at 10 weeks. I had my first D&C on 3/08/11 and had complications. It never gets easier. I focus on the fact that my babies had heartbeats, they lived if only in utero and some day I firmly believe I will see them again. :) While there is nothing I can say to ease the pain, know this that we can always carry each other’s burdens, we all have tiny footprints on our hearts and I trust that someday you will wake up to your miracle of being a Mommy. :)

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