We arrive in San Francisco two days after Christmas and spent the next five days going to and from UCSF Children’s hospital and Fetal Surgery Center to finish our tests and meet with all of the surgeons and other staff that will be taking care of my baby and I. We also got in a lot of sightseeing and walking because I knew once we had the surgery I would only be allowed to very minimal activity for awhile. On January 2nd at around 9pm we checked into Labor and Delivery. We didn’t get much sleep that night with doctors and nurses coming in and out all hours of the night to prepare me for surgery the next morning. Liam was kicking all night long and even the next morning when we woke. I kept telling him he was going to have to settle down because we were going into surgery soon. Little did I know that was the last time I was ever going to feel my little buddy kick. We got put under around 8am Monday January 3rd and I woke up around noon in recovery. The worst thing a mother ever has to hear is that your baby had to be delivered and he didn’t make it. The doctors said the surgery went well but when they were putting the last stitch in me Liam’s heart stopped. I then got an emergency c-section to get Liam out so the NICU team could try and resuscitate him. I was told they gave him aggressive CPR for an hour and a half but he never responded.
So what do I even do now. The first week in the hospital I was in complete shock. Having to be on the Labor and Delivery floor hearing other babies crying was even more heartbreaking. My husband and I got the chance to spend 2 days with Liam before they took him for his autopsy. We were very hesitant on wanting pictures of him taken at first. Thank god that the nurses convinced us to allow them to take pictures, we only have a few but they are so meaningful. We spent a lot of time crying and asking why? The doctors told us also that he was the first baby that they lost during this kind of fetal surgery and the autopsy showed nothing. I think not having any answers is the worst part of all.