I was 37weeks 4 days pregnant with our 3rd and what we were calling, our last, addition to the family. Everything was in place, planned, prepped and ready for her arrival. I had been preparing for my first natural homebirth for the last 9 months and was extremely excited for labor to begin. The entire pg was excellent, healthy and the most active baby I have ever carried. I thought for sure she was going to be a huge child and very active (that or there were 2 in there).
The day before I had my 37/38 week MW appointment and everything looked great. Baby dropped and was engaged, she was ready to join us at anytime, anyday. That afternoon my 11 year old daughter blew up the birth pool, I sanitized it and got all the HB stuff in one spot, ready to go. Baby wasn’t moving as much as usual, but I figured she was just settling and getting ready to join us.
then all went black.
I woke up as they were pulling me off the operating table and wheeling me to recovery, I couldnt open my eyes and was in excruciating pain. I went back to sleep. Later, I remember seeing my hubby on his phone and the nurses who wouldn’t even look at me. I knew something was not right and then managed to ask if the baby was ok. The nurse didn’t even look at me and simply said the Dr. would be in to talk with me in a min. I closed my eyes knowing what was going to be told to me and drifted back into the black. After waking again, the Dr came in, crying to tell me that my daughter didn’t make it. That they tried everything in their power to start her heart when she was born to no avail. My pastor came in and said a prayer and blessed the baby. She was born still at 11:27am on Oct 28th 2010. She was 7lbs1oz and 19inches long.
All I could do was cry. I asked God to put me back to sleep. I slept for a little while then woke to my husband sitting next to me crying. We sat and cried together.
After a couple of hours, when the drugs started wearing off, I felt it, pain that wasn’t just physically excruciating, but emotionally crushing. My child was no longer in me, happily kicking my ribs and poking my hips. She wasnt in my arms or suckling my breasts. She was cold and alone in a seperate nursery than all the living babies. She was gone. And I was left in pain, cut open emptied and heart broken.
My husband held her, and wrapped her in a blanket, and talked to her, kissed her and told her how much we loved her and how absolutely perfect she was.
I couldnt understand how a child so perfect couldnt be living, breathing, cryng, warm. I still dont get it. There was nothing wrong with her, the placenta or the cord. She just didn’t make it and we will never know why. I never wanted to let her go, but knew she was already gone, out of that perfect beautiful little body we created, that I grew inside of me to perfection for 37 weeks and 4 days.
By Saturday I had to get strong, I am not sure how I could but, we were going home and had to plan a funeral for our little girl. We had a photographer come and take professional pics of Stella, I am hoping I can get those today. The nurses made a box of keepsakes and took pictures of Stella as well. They broght that in for me to look at. She is just so beautiful. I was wheeled out with no child, just a box of memories of a child I once carried in my womb, held once in my arms and now only get to hold in my heart. Life is not fair.