Lanie
Mom to Jake and Sawyer
Jake, August 14, 2005 – August 27, 2005
Sawyer, November 17, 2009 – December 26, 2009
Atlanta, Georgia
 
I am a mother of four. Two of my children share a room down the hall from my room. Two of my children share a plot in a cemetery which is fifteen minutes from our home.

“A wife who loses a husband is called a widow. A husband who loses a wife is called a widower. A child who loses his/her parents is called an orphan. But there is no word for a parent who loses a child, that’s how awful the loss is!” (Neugeboren)
 

I don’t have the answers to why Jake and Sawyer predeceased me. I don’t have the steps to get through the enormous grief and sadness which comes from burying your child or children. I am trying to get through this hour by hour. I welcome any and all advice, encouragement or support. I am hoping that I can assist others through their difficult journeys. I want Jake and Sawyer to be remembered. I want to carry on their purpose in life (whatever that purpose might be).
 
People ask, “How are you?” It is a common greeting. I too used to ask the question. Now, I can’t answer it. Or, I cry as I try to answer.
“How are you?”
Not so great. In fact, I am awful. Our first son, Jake was born in August of 2005 at 26 weeks. He lived for 2 weeks in the NICU. The only time we held him was while he passed away. Jake’s funeral was August 28, 2005.
 
In November, 2009 we were lucky enough to have a beautiful full term boy, Sawyer. At 10:45 pm on December 25, 2009 I kissed my perfect baby good night for the last time. Sawyer’s heart stopped very early the next morning. No symptoms, no warning, he was just gone. Sawyer’s funeral was December 28, 2009.
I take life day by day. I keep thinking that there must be some purpose to all this grief. For the almost five years since Jake died I have been trying to figure out what to do with all my sadness. Since Sawyer died I am numb but I have to keep moving forward. I started my blog to create a purpose for Jake and Sawyer’s lives. And, perhaps help other families, or maybe just my own. . .

And can be contacted at: laniet829@yahoo.com
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Comments

  1. Di says:

    Dear Lanie
    You have 4 children. 2 are underfoot and 2 are in Heaven. You WILL see your boys again. One sweet day when we are reunited in His Kingdom, we will share that hug, feel their sweet breath on our face and see eyes filled with love. Make your boys PROUD. Let them see that in their death, something beautiful was shared. A part of you opened up that wasn't there before. Do it for yourself, do it for your other children, and please, please, do this for your lost babes.
    Be happy- they got to the front of line first. For us, I know that is heart-wrenching. For them, well, there are no words to explain what their time is like while they wait for you. HEAVEN!!
    All my prayers and love to you!

  2. luckyjinx7 says:

    I lost my 4-month-old son during the holidays, too.

    There really are no words.

  3. Shelly says:

    There are no words that anyone can say to ease the pain of losing a child but, from one mommy who’s lost a child to another, I am so, so sorry!

  4. Mirne says:

    Hello Lanie

    I am a mother of three. A daughter and two sons. But they are all dead. None of my children live this life with me. We also don’t know why our children died. They just did.

    My daughter Freyja we lost when I was 28 weeks pregnant. One of those days when I had a scan and the doctor told me her heart had stopped. For no particular reason. She was 1.4 kg and perfect. A year and a half later her brother Kees was born, full term and perfectly healthy. We loved and lived with our boy, until he died one morning when he was 7 weeks old. No reason for his death was found. A year and a half after that, our third child, our son Jet, was born. Full term and perfectly healthy. He was three days old when I woke in the hospital room (where I had given birth) to find him dead in his cot. No reason for his death was ever found.

    I didn’t think this happened to other people. That they would lose more than one child, with no reason found.

    I’m glad you have your other children to give you some joy and love in your life.

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