Mom to Charlie Douglas
Born Still on September 23, 2010 at 12:59 pm
Our story began almost 16 years ago. I met my husband when I was 16. He and I remained friends while we went off to college in different states and through several boyfriends/girlfriends. We decided to start dating at the tender age of 22.
We couldn’t stand to be apart, so I moved to be with him 615 miles away from any family and all of my friends. We were married in September of 2003. We decided in November of 2007 to try and have a family.
After 2+ years of infertility and several failed treatments we turned to IVF. While at times the IVF process was trying, I didn’t find it to be that difficult or as horrible as they like to make it sound. I overdosed myself on Lupron and thought I had ruined the entire cycle. I was so devastated, but we carried on. On February 11, 2010 we harvested 13 eggs. Ultimately we would transfer 3 beautiful embryos on February 14, 2010. We waited what seemed to be the longest two weeks of my life for our first beta. 175…I was pregnant! Would there be more than one?! Well, yes, there were in fact 3 babies in there. All three embryos had stuck!
At six weeks we saw our babies for the first time and saw the tiny flicker of their heartbeats. Amazing, absolutely amazing. My pregnancy progressed. I got bigger and bigger. I watched my belly dance as the babies grew and moved. I had three of the most active babies, I swear.
Things were pretty smooth until about 32 weeks. I began contracting sporadically. I went in for my NST and was contracting every 6 minutes. I was sent to OB triage and given terbutaline to stop the contractions. It worked, I went home and rested. I ended up back on that Friday. Again, they stopped. Monday I had a doctor appointment…everything seemed fine. Thursday September 23, 2010 (34 weeks) I had a plan…NST, lunch, doctor visit. We went in for the NST.
Baby A was on the monitor, Baby B was on the monitor…then it came time to find Baby C. She couldn’t, so we went over for an ultrasound. I heard words that will forever be burned into my soul; “Baby C has expired”. All I could do was scream over and over “What happened”. That was 11:40 a.m. I was prepped for an emergency c-section.
The babies were born just over an hour from the time we found out our Baby C had died.
The girls went to the NICU and I held my son. He was perfect. He weighed 3lb 12oz. He had a head full of dark hair. He had my feet, hands, and lips. His daddy’s nose and chin. I held him for 8 hours. I wish I had held on to him longer. I wish I had asked for him to be brought back to me while I was in the hospital. I didn’t.
The doctor reassured me that it wasn’t my fault. I don’t believe him. I will never be convinced it wasn’t something I did. Did I lay wrong? Did I try to do too much? I need someone to blame. I cannot accept that babies just die.
We flew him home to St. Louis to be buried by our families. Ultimately, we want to move back so it only made sense for him to be where we ultimately want to end up. The morning we left for the airport there was a double rainbow at sunrise. I like to think that was my Charlie just saying hello. As I stood at his grave looking at his tiny coffin, I wondered if he knew how much I loved him. If he knew how much I wanted him. There will forever be a gaping hole in my heart.
There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think of him or ache for him. I’ve tried to do several things for him. I had a necklace made with all of their footprints. I had his name written in the sand. We put all of his ornaments on the tree for Christmas. No matter how many things I do it is never enough. Some days I am so consumed with grief, I can barely breathe. So I scream….I love you Charlie!
Jenn blogs at: http://www.haaketriplets.blogspot.com/
and she can be contacted at: firstname.lastname@example.org