Immediately I called my boyfriend at the time and made him go get another box of tests. And I specifically said to get the “good” ones so we would know for sure!
Test #3… What? WHAT? Are these things all broken?
Dreadful test #5… Oh, Sh*t. I think I am pregnant… I think. Wait, what? I am going to have a BABY???
Before losing it and going crazy, I skyped Mallory to have her look at my possibly positive pregnancy test.
Ohhh, great. This might really be happening.
Mom- “What? Molly, what? Molly, damn it. Are you pregnant? What was the one thing I have asked you? Are you sure? Well, I guess we will have to figure it out.”
January 27, 2010 Pregnancy confirmed by doctor. 5 weeks and 6 days.
Wait, a baby is inside of me? Growing? Like, a real baby? Is this a joke?
I guess I didn’t have food poisoning afterall…
3AM. OMG. I don’t feel good. So, this is what “morning sickness” feels like.
February 21, 2010– Dehydrated beyond belief because of this terrible, terrible morning sickness. The best part was waiting in the ER waiting room for 8 billion hours. Then when they finally called my name the nurse looked terrified. I was like what the heck is wrong with this lady. Then, she whispered to the other nurse and shook her head ‘yes’ and replied it was p-p-positive. And, me being the loud mouth that I am chimed in, “What? My pregnancy test is positive?”. They looked at me like, heehahh?????? haha They were terrified to tell me because they thought I had no idea! Apparently, they didn’t get the memo when I wrote it on the check-in sheet.
March 15, 2010– Heard the heartbeat for the first time. The sound of that perfect little thump, thump, thump, was like music to my ears. I fell deeper in love with my little mango. But, once the ultrasound screen turned on and I saw that perfect little angel growing inside of me, I couldn’t control myself. Some may say it was because my hormones were all crazy, but I disagree. I had never felt a love like this before and my emotions were so overwhelming. I remember Dr. Melendez looking at me with a worried look, and then asked, “Are you okay?”. haha! I was like of course I am okay! Look at that perfect angel! I think this might have been the beginning of Dr. Melendez thinking I was a little cooky/crazy. But, thats okay. I will take it. I have heard love makes you crazy. And although I haven’t found “love” that has made me crazy through a significant other, I found that crazy love through my daughter… or, I guess at the time “it”.
So, I left the doctor that day with the biggest smile on my face. My cheeks hurt so bad when I got home. I went to my first doctors appointment by myself, because on the way my “boyfriend at the time” decided to fight with me the whole.way.there. Since I wanted it to be a happy day, I turned my little happy ass around in the parking lot and took him alllll the way back home and said BYE, BYE! I am going to the doctor to hear the heartbeat and see my perfect little angel without you! I think that was finally the turning point for me when I realized I didn’t need him and neither did my baby. I had all I needed growing peacefully inside! But, the childish little girl inside of me crawled back to him, hoping it would be different this time. Boyyyy was I wrong! haha! But, I am sure we will get back to that later…
April 12, 2010– Appointment for bloodwork. Nothing exciting happened that day, but the NEXT time I would be back in that room, I would hear the sex of my baby. I was so excited I felt like I couldn’t sleep for weeks! I wanted to know if I was going to have my dreams of having a little diva princess come true, or if I was going to have a little Pro football player! I, of course, would take either, but above EVERYTHING in the world I wanted one thing. All I asked for was ONE thing. And that was a healthy baby.
May 3, 2010– The big ultrasound!!!!!!!
Never have I been so excited for anything in my whole entire life. This was the day that my life was going to change. I could finally go shopping for my little mango! I was so, so excited.
So, I checked in and impatiently waited for my name to be called. The ultrasound tech comes out and says the one ultrasound machine is broken, but I can still find out the sex. ((Thank the lord, I would not have been able to wait one more second!)).
I follow her back to the dark room and lay down. It was so cold and dark in the room, but I knew within minutes I would be so happy I wouldn’t care if it was snowing inside. I pull up my shirt to reveal my little bump that had everyone questioning if I was pregnant or fat. Then she squirted me with COLD gel. Freezing cold gel. I looked over and saw my little angel on the screen and I was overwhelmed with emotions.
She looked at me and said, “You are having a baby girl.”
OMG, OMG, OMG!
A baby GIRL! A girl. I am having a baby girl!
This lady thought I was crazy! I was so excited. I wanted to jump up off that bed and go buy the first pink thing that I saw.
She looked at the screen for awhile and everything kind of turned into a blur to me. She never said anything. Nothing. Not, a congrads, or something might be wrong, nothing. She just left the freaking room. So, here I am laying in this dark room all by myself and the second she walked out, I grabbed my face with both of my hands and silently screamed with excitement.
The next thing I know Ryan walks in and I burst into tears and tell him, “We are having a baby girl!!!!”. Well, someone wasn’t very happy! Surprise, surprise! I didn’t wait for him to find out the sex, but really I didn’t care and I didn’t feel guilty. He wasn’t there when I was in the hospital and saw the heartbeat for the first time. He wasn’t there when I heard the heartbeat for the first time and saw the profile. So, why the heck would he want to be there now???
Regardless of what Ryan was feeling, I was estatic. I was so excited. Nothing could bring me down at this moment.
But then I started thinking it was kind of strange the way the ultrasound tech left… Hmm. Is something wrong?
No. Are you kidding Molly? Nothing is wrong. That lady is just awkward. Ok, ok. Everything is fine. OMG. I am having a girl!!!!
My mind started racing a million miles a minute! I had so much to do and so much to get done before little one was here! I needed a name, I needed clothes, diapers, toys, bottles, wipes. Oh, no. I have so much to get. How am I going to do all of this?
Pshhh, who cares. I will worry later, because I AM HAVING A GIRL!!!!!
Dr. Melendez walks in and I scream, “I am having a girl!!! OMG, did you see her? She is so cute! She is so perfect! Can you believe this??? I am having a GIRL, Dr.Melendez, a GIRL!!!!”.
Well, unfortunately, he wasn’t so excited. He was like ummm. well. uh. Molly. Um. So. uh.
Come on dude. What’s the deal? Am I having twins or something? Why are you acting so weird?
“Molly, your baby isn’t perfect.”
Yes she is. Did you not see her? She is so perfect. I have never seen something so perfect in my whole life.
“No, Molly. She isn’t perfect. She may look perfect, but there may be some other problems.”
I am not so sure what happened after this…
All I remember is not being able to stand up. I felt like my world had ended. But, then I looked at my ultrasound pictures one more time and I had convinced myself that the doctors were wrong. I had a little bit of happiness left in me. I got to my car. Turned it on. Called my mom.
All of the sudden my happiness was gone again.
“Mom, there is something wrong with my baby.”
Turns out, baby had a cystic hygroma, fluid in her kidneys, blah, blah, blah.
I don’t remember driving home. I just remember arriving at my house and parking on the opposite side of the street. I opened my door, let one leg hang out, but I couldn’t get out of the car. This is a bad dream. This can’t be happening. I grabbed my steering wheel and threw my head down and screamed. I have never felt anything like this. It was the most painful experience. I felt like a someone shoved a gun down my throat and tried pulling it out of my chest.
I was so emotionally distraught, I was physically in pain.
I remember my sister and my nephews coming over. But, I couldn’t react to anything. I just sat there. I was just sitting in the study. I felt like I was watching my life through a TV screen. Nothing felt real.
I opened my laptop and typed in the dreadful words, “cystic hygroma“.
Around this time my other sister got home from work, hugged me, and cried with me. Everyone was crying. I didn’t know what to do.
We continued researching cystic hygromas. But, none of the information sunk in. It was just words on the screen. None of it made any sense. All I wanted to see or hear was that it would all be okay.
But, that was never stated anywhere.
May 5, 2010– My first appointment in Dr. Stanley’s office.
Once again, I was impatiently waiting for my name to be called. I had to wait forever and a day, because they had to squeeze me in, instead of me having an appointment set up weeks before.
So, I wait and wait…
Are you serious? Did they forget about me?
I sat in the waiting room with my mom, my two sisters, Ryan, and his dad. I felt so sick. I thought I was getting ready to have another “morning sickness” attack.
Finally, it was my turn to go back. I walk in to a super nice room. There was a huge flat screen on the wall in front of me, beside me was a high tech ultrasound machine. I was so tempted to squirt my belly with gel and find out how to work that stupid machine all by myself. haha I literally sat there and debated it many, many times. But, before I knew it, another ultrasound tech walked in.
Alright, lets get started.
Suddenly I wanted a little bit more time. I didn’t want to find out anything. I just wanted to sit there. Just me and my belly. I didn’t want anyone around me. I just wanted it to be me and baby.
But, I swallowed my pride, pulled up my shirt, and waited for the dreadful freezing cold gel.
Squuuuuirt. All over my belly.
Hey, this feels nice. It is all nice and warm! Why didn’t I come here in the first place. haha
“Here is your baby”…
Once again my eyes filled up with tears. She looked so perfect. Just like she did every other time I saw her on that dark screen.
The tech went through all of the measurements, but didn’t say much, except the usual… here is her arm, her little piggys, her little chicken legs… and so on.
She got a towel and threw it over my belly and walked out.
I was so terrified at this moment. I didn’t know what was going on. I didn’t know if the other lady was an idiot and made a mistake. ((Which I continued to pray for.))
I just sat there with both of my hands on my belly and tried to hold on to my baby the best that I could.
“Hi Molly, I am Dr. Stanley.”
Yeah, yeah. What’s the news? Sorry, not trying to be rude, but come on. I want to hear you tell me that everything is okay.
Obviously, it was never his intentions to tell me everything was okay. Because, unfortunately, the last ultrasound tech was right. Baby wasn’t “perfect”. Well, not perfect in the doctor’s eyes, but in my eyes she was the most perfect little thing.
Dr. Stanley told me to go ahead, get cleaned up, get dressed, and we will go into my office to talk about “options”.
Options? What does that even mean?
At this point I was crying uncontrollably. I got dressed and walked into another cold, miserable room.
There was a little round table with 4 chairs. I sat down in between my sister and my mom. I remember looking at my mom and asking her what to do. I so badly wanted her to make all of the pain to go away. I was like a little girl again. I needed my mom and I looked for her for advice and for once in my life, I was willing to actually do what she told me to. But, mom wouldn’t make any decisions for me. She knew this was my baby and I would have to look deep down inside of my heart and decide what I wanted.
Dr. Stanley came into the room, sat down, and told me that everything was confirmed on the ultrasound. The ultrasound tech was right. Baby wasn’t perfect, but she was imperfectly perfect. So, he explained what everything meant and gave me options. Every option he gave me he sugar coated. “We can terminate the pregnancy now. We can take more tests. Or we can just hang on and see what happens.”
Umm, excuse me. No, I will not terminate my pregnancy. God gave me this baby for a reason and I know that no matter what happens God will take care of it.
I decided to do the amnio. Holy cow. If only I knew what I was getting myself into. They started rubbing my belly with COLD stuff. boo. I thought this would be warm.
And then a needle the size of my leg was injected into my stomach.
It was so gross. They just stuck it right in, to the side of my belly button . It felt like hours were passing by. Amniotic fluid does not necessarily pour out like blood. It…takes…forrrr..eee…vvv..eee..rrr. seriously.
The next day, May 6, 2010– I went to school and waited for the genetics counselor to call me with my results from my amnio.
Being pregnant has made me realize how conservative I really am. There were some questions that they would ask me in the hospital and I would be like Dear Lord, are you even allowed to say that?
Let’s just say, I didn’t feel another contraction the rest of the night and I slept like a little angel.
Now the fun is about to begin.
For a long time each kick felt like, well… a kick. Nothing was ever different and it was basically what I had anticipated. But that last week or so of being pregnant, something changed. It still felt okay because I knew she was moving. It is really hard to explain what it felt like that past week. It almost felt like she was rubbing the outside of my belly softly. There were no more jabs or pokes, it was just a soft, smooth, long, graze against my belly. I enjoyed this more because I could put my hand on my belly and she would put her hand or foot up against it and softly touch it. It is so hard for me to explain and this might not be making any sense at all, but it was more of a warm embrace instead of a dreadful kick.
THUMP, THUMP, THUMP!!!
haha… why not!
June 23, 2010– Audrina Capri Williams was born at 9:24 AM.