It felt like a miracle. I was diagnosed with polycystic ovarian syndrome, or PCOS in high school. I was told back then that I’d probably have trouble getting pregnant. I’ve had painful cysts on and off since then, including one that required surgical removal. I just assumed when we wanted a baby, we’d find an OB to refer us to an RE and we’d do whatever it took to make that happen. So, finding out we’d conceived without trying and with no planning on our part felt like a very happy miracle. I thought this baby had such a purpose. I was thanking God for our little surprise blessing. Within two days of finding out, I was sore and nauseated and exhausted…I was pregnant!
But then on the 5th day, I started spotting…Just light brown, nothing my doctor was really worried about. My symptoms continued through that week, and I thought I was ok. Then on the 19th, I noticed they disappeared. Abruptly. I no longer “felt” pregnant. I wasn’t nauseated. My breasts weren’t tender. I wasn’t tired. I was worried.
I went to the doctor and they confirmed we were losing the baby. We were instructed to go home and wait. They told us what to expect, and it all went as they said it would. I didn’t see the baby- and I was thankful for that. But I did see the tiny sac where my baby had lived. It came out all by itself in the shower. I held onto it for almost an hour, waiting there until the water ran cold, and my tears ran dry. That sounds gross to some people, but that tiny sac was all I had left of the baby I thought I would welcome home in March.
The physical pain was not as bad as I expected, honestly. It was only terrible on Tuesday. The following days were manageable with Tylenol and rest, and by the next Monday it was all over. My hcg dropped from 56,000 to 14 in less than two weeks. In less than three weeks, I was back at zero.
What shocked me was how deeply this affected me emotionally. When you get that positive test, you don’t for one second think about the teeny embryo in your body. You think about your infant. Your toddler. Your nursery. I was thinking about only having 5 years to figure out how to pay for private school! I was a mom from that first minute. Then, in one horrifying moment, I realized it was all coming to an end before it even got started. I’d never know this baby at all. It was such a terrifying way to experience pregnancy for the first time. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to feel that same elation I felt when I saw that positive test. Next time it will be mixed with such fear… what if this happens again?